Angelina Jolie Continues Anti-Masturbation Crusade; Has Ovaries Removed

Angelina Jolie
(image source: By pinguino k (Flickr) [CC BY 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons)

Angelina Jolie is a rare breed of modern celebrity. Beginning with her double mastectomy in 2013, Jolie has been determined to make sure no filthy men and women will masturbate to her ever again. The mainstream press attempted to spin Jolie’s mastectomy surgery as a “preventative measure” to “lower her chances of developing breast cancer”, however many Hollywood insiders know that Jolie had grown progressively disgusted by the growing masturbation culture surrounding her image on the internet. While Jolie’s actions from a few years ago may have seemed extreme, the move had a massive psychological impact on the average internet scumbag. Multiple users on masturbation forums lamented the removal of Jolie’s sinbags and the outlook of being able to masturbate to her image seemed dismal.

However, the average masturbator is determined to get their sinful dose of pleasure. Reports from Hollywood suggest that Jolie learned that “within a year, they (the masturbators) were willing to look past her no longer having breasts and began to focus on her raw, feminine nature to get their thrills”. Jolie, now completely sick of being used as masturbation fodder began to brainstorm any possible ways she could make herself less appealing to the average masturbator, yet still keep up her appearance as an average Hollywood celebrity. “It became obvious that Jolie was going to have to do her next move under the guise of surgery again,” claims an inside source. “The media quickly spun her breast removal as being done for ‘health reasons’ and Big Masturbation appeared to let her have a pass and didn’t blacklist her for her actions.”

It was announced today,  March 24th 2015, that Jolie had surgery to have to her ovaries removed. Again, the mainstream, controlled media is spinning this as her now taking “preventative” measures to prevent ovarian cancer. However, the inside sources claim that Jolie is “hoping this works in two ways. One, that any masturbation fantasies of impregnating Jolie will now be rendered impotent. And second, Jolie hopes to have her image in the mind of masturbators to be that of a person having their flesh flayed from their skin. She truly hopes that these types of people will just be completely disgusted by her and never consider her as a masturbation target again.”

It remains to be seen if Jolie’s radical methods will lower the number of self-rapists willing to defile themselves to her image. If it is successful, it is quite possible we will see other celebrities began having their sin zones removed or smoothed out to make themselves less appealing to the common masturbator.

Brother Malcom Lear of Brother Lonnie’s University of Faith Facts sums things up well, “This is a bold step in the right direction, however the simple self-rapist is quite committed to their devilcraft. Time will tell.”

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Kenneth Day
About Kenneth Day 12 Articles
Kenneth Day got his start doing The Lord's Work at a small church in Chandler, Arizona. He quickly rose through the ranks of his church and got the attention of several anti-masturbation crusaders who have enlisted his various talents. When Ken is not devoting his time to helping Lonnie's cause as well as other alternative religious organizations, he works as a video game reviewer.
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7 Comments on Angelina Jolie Continues Anti-Masturbation Crusade; Has Ovaries Removed

  1. Brother Nikita Shallavin aka The Holy Sexologist, would have performed her surgeries, had he not been on vacation. Such a wonderful man. He removed my uterus with his bare hands.

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  2. Angelina Jolie has always been a champion of Christian morality. I personally enjoyed her performance in "Die Another Day" with Pierce Brosnan. She probably killed more commies in that film than Cassidy Pen and !iam Mckey combined; I thank Lonnie that she got the Oscar for that one.

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  3. Is this some kind of joke? I'm gonna stastart coming to this website for my morning laugh because these people are messed up

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