Do Hollywood Zombie Documentaries Provide a Key to Defeating Masturbation?

In my past life as a secular masturbator I was unhealthily infatuated with zombie documentaries.   Since being saved by Lonnie Childs and the STOP Masturbation NOW ministries, however, I have come to the realization that zombies are possibly the most prolific self-rapists alive!  Zombies, like your typical masturbator, are brain dead.    It is a proven faithfact that non-masturbators use a higher percentage of our brains, causing the self-raping zombies to lash out in a fit of jealousy.  This is the new normal.  Welcome to the wasteland brothers and sisters!

Most non-normals such as masturbators and zombies choose to hang out in groups and inject themselves with marijuana, ellis dee and other drugs.  They are also attracted to obnoxious music which explains their obsession with The Burning Man musical masturbation festival and the David Mathews Band.

Friday-Night-Lights-21

 

SPOILER ALERT

There is hope, however!  In Zombie documentaries, the normals always prevail in the end.  So let us all pray for the apocalypse to set us free of all the dirty masturbating non-normals.

About Patriarch Jasper Centaur 1 Article
Brother Jasper was born into a beatnik family that followed the unholy graces of the Bob Dylan, Moody Blues and Dolly Parton. After he realized how these people were the scum of the earth he quickly found Lonnie Childs, together they saw first-hand that masturbating causes many of the world’s problems. It 1st hit home when President Carter was light-headed after a violent masturbation session and fell down the steps of Air Force One. Since he has been an advocate for the stop masturbation movement, he has worked with Mother Teresa in teaching 3rd world people the horrors of self-rape. How he became a Patriarch is still unclear due to the Church reassigning Fathers that may or may not have “diddled” his flock. Brother Jasper has been missing for a few months to make sure his offspring will never touch themselves...