BREAKING: Actor John Candy to Portray Lonnie Childs in Upcoming Biopic

Actor John Candy

HOLLYWOOD, CALIF. — Actor John Candy has been tapped to portray Pastor Lonnie Childs in an upcoming biopic about the prolific anti-masturbation advocate, according to inside sources in Hollywood, California. The long-awaited motion picture, tentatively titled The Passion of the Childs, is expected to be a first for the faith-based film industry.

Model Gracie Bauman
Model Gracie Bauman

The Canadian-born actor is said to have taken an active interest in Childs’ ministry some years ago. Since retiring from acting, Candy has often been seen in public with model Gracie Bauman, a longtime member of Childs’ church.

In a telephone interview from her home in Calgary, Alberta, Bauman noted that Candy opposes masturbation in all its forms. “John thinks it’s disgusting and vile. He always has.”

“John is very smart and kind and will be perfect for the role. He also treats me really well and takes me to overseas places like Los Angeles and New York,” said Bauman.

John Candy’s last film before retiring from show business was the 1995 comedy venture Canadian Bacon, directed by Michael Moore. Moore’s documentary Fappy, centered on a dolphin mascot that preaches about the dangers of masturbation to kids, is slated for release in December.

Screen test with John Candy as a young Lonnie Childs
Screen test with Candy as a young Lonnie Childs

Mr. Candy’s agency has not responded to questions regarding the film at press time, although we have obtained a video still of early screen tests for the movie.

Milton Grits
Stop Masturbation Now

with Sister K. Truffle
Brother Lonnie’s University of FaithFacts™ UK

26 Comments on BREAKING: Actor John Candy to Portray Lonnie Childs in Upcoming Biopic

  1. John Candy, like Lonnie, has an incredible sense of humor and is just a big, all-around lovable guy with a warm heart who can deliver a knockout emotional performance. I think it’ll be the performance of his life. The Passion of The Childs is going to be big. Really big.

  2. and it would be a great miracle if he was, and if someone was talking to him, BECAUSE HE IS FREAKING DEAD, you morons, he has been dead at least 10 years, get your freaking stories correct.

    • Where did you read that, the New York Times? Because they often run premature obituaries. Just because he hasn’t been starring in movies doesn’t mean he’s “dead.” Guess what, Abe Vigoda isn’t dead either.

    • Lonnie as been well known for his bringing normals back to life with prayer. Those who return to life are usually a bit shy of public exposure as a precaution against the reaction of non-normals, who can’t seem to accept it.

      • “The Passion of the Childs” is a multi-layered film which rewards the audience with a richer, increasingly rewarding experience with each additional viewing. It is strongly recommended that you see this powerful film up to a dozen times during its run in theaters.

    • Don’t make jokes like that on our website. Mr. Candy visits our facilities often, and I don’t think he would appreciate someone saying “aren’t you dead?” to him.

      • Don’t let them get under your skin. There’s also garbage about Elvis Presley, Jimmy Hoffa, and John F. Kennedy being dead. First Amendment excesses allow ANYTHING to get on the internet these days.

  3. Imagine my horror when I thought the first sentence of this article said “Actor John Candy has been fapped to portray Pastor Lonnie Childs …” I was planning to picket the theater!

  4. Please tell me why anyone would want to make a film about this notorious internet prankster.

    • Saint Lonnie, is an international iconic hero. Envy will get you a one-way ticket to triple-hell, non-transferable.

      Praying AT you!

      • Thankfully Brother Lonnie does not allow clickable links in the comments on this Holy Netsite. It was just another of many wise decisions he has made in regards to this netspace we are navigating.


  5. Now I know this website is here just to fool ignorant and gullible Christians. John Candy has been dead for 20 years. Well done.

    • Some might consider his career to be “dead” but the man is very much alive and returning to the big screen in a big role. You can try to fool people, Satan, but you are mistaken, Father of Lies. Demon, begone!

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