SAFFORD AZ (SMNNN)
Paul Horner, the man inside the Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin furry mascot suit has been sentenced to eight years in federal prison following his arrest for accosting sea-animals at Sea World aquarium.
Saul Reubenstein, Horner’s attorney says they tried really hard, but the evidence against Paul Horner was far too damning. ” We thought we were gonna get him off, Scott-free, but a new high-definition video taken by bystander Doug Pinnick, clearly shows him inserting his (censored) into a sea otter. ” Said Attorney Ruebenstein. ” The video really could have been anyone, but they audio recording was the damned icing on the cake! “.
On the video taken by Mr. Pinnick, Horner can clearly be heard identifying himself. ” I was minding my own business in the penguin enclosure, with my 25mp Nikon SLR camera, and I heard such a racket! I even lost my trousers in the all excitement! I barely had time to gain composure and tape this entire horrible spectacle! ” stated Pinnick.
A transcription of said recording:
I am PAUL HORNER! I AM INVINCIBLE! NO ONE CAN STOP ME! (inaudible…screaming…) I AM (censored) BANKSY (censored) I AM THE (censored) DOLPHIN, YOU (censored) BASTARDS! (crashing noises, glass breaking)
Mr. Horner was tased several times, before falling into the sea-otter enclosure, and being detained by Sea World security.
Brother Lonnie Childs offers no comment at this time, but has asked to be informed as this situation progresses.
Paul Horner has posted bail, but then fled in a westerly direction. Police have issued a $10,000,000 reward for his capture, dead or alive. Anyone sighting Paul Horner is asked not to approach him, and to contact local authorities immediately!