Has The Walking Dead’s Carl Started Masturbating?

(StopMasturbationNOW)—The Walking Dead is a popular show that airs on the A&E television network on Sunday evenings. The premise of the story is that due to the Obama administrations mismanagement, some strange plague falls on the land, it turns people into some strange zombie like creatures that they call “Eaters”.

Carl's Father, Rick Grimes
Carl’s Father, Rick Grimes

One of the main characters is a kid named Carl. Over the many years the show has been on the air, young Carl has grown up in front of viewers eyes and is now a teenager being raised in a wasteland. However this season Carl’s story has taken a strange turn. Carl seems to be sexually active even though he is not married. Masturbation expert and frequent television viewer Dr. Lonnie Childs thinks that Carl is now masturbating. “The signs are everywhere. He killed his Mother, he is out of control, he goes off on his own, doesn’t play sports, and causes trouble for his father. These are all telltale signs of teenage masturbation.”

At it is proven, masturbation is a gateway drug to rape. It also leads to sexual dysfunction, erodes family values, and is a top ten cause of disease. It is probably a large contributor to the plague in the walking dead itself.

58 Comments on Has The Walking Dead’s Carl Started Masturbating?

  1. I just assumed by the title this show was about the life and times of random masturbators and haven’t bothered to waste my precious time on it. “The Walking Dead” is definitely a slang term that would apply to masturbators since they’re all doomed to death and are walking around in denial.

    • U sound like a retard this article is false and most if the stuff in it not even true the walking dead Is a epic show you sound and look like a dork lol why is there people like u in this world

      • I feel so bad for you man u been brainwashed by everyone u love and the government I honestly don’t get how you think like that your mind set I’m not trying to be mean cuz I’m actually a nice person but the way u talk feels like your more of a evil person then a good person I don’t judge on religion people can believe whatever they want but the way u talk and sound honestly scares me sir I believe in logic common sense all I’m trying to say it don’t be one of those people who lived there lives but they really never lived at all have a good day

        • I’m so glad this is satire because for a second I thought you were a legitimate fucktard and was considering suicide on behalf of the whole human race

    • Excuse me? This is about a zombie outbreak. And who cares if someone masturbates? Its natural and doesn’t need to be frowned upon. There are bigger problems out there, like ISIS and war. Fucktard

  2. Any show that promotes teen masturbation is not worth bothering to seek out and watch. I’ve heard the characters die very frequently on this show so at least they got that part of masturbation correct.

    • You have no idea what u talking about this is a false article like how dumb can u be don’t try to ruin the show for the true fans like me and 30 million other fans that watch and will watch the show thank u get a life talking about jerkoff and stuff is this what the world has come to ?

      • Dude, you realise all these peoples comments you are replying to are jokes right? They are not being serious. For Christ’s sake its a satirical article with satirical comments and you are taking them literal. You are calling all of these people dumb when they are going along with the joke. You are dumb for not realising that. Get a life and stop replying to all of their comments.

  3. I always suspected Carl might turn to the dark side when he reached the age of his purity challenge. I too saw the derelict signs of evil coming out in Carl’s role, at first I didn’t want to believe it. I assumed it was just scripted for the role of Carl, but no longer. As a fan of the show who’s never missed an episode this latest season depicts Carl as having an addiction for violating himself. Carl plays his role as a vile self-rapist to the hilt. The only way he could be so convincing in his role isn’t from having a technical advisor explain penial self-abuse to him, it therefore must be from his own personal experience. It will now be extremely difficult for me to continue as a fan. Just knowing Carl has condemned himself to an eternity in Hell will make it tough to watch his scenes.

  4. I knew this show was a tribute to masturbation right from the start, so I never watched it. A steady diet of Roy Rogers westerns, John Wayne war movies, and Dr. Who fuels me with the love of Christ and his fierce hatred of masturbation.

    • You are dumb my kind sir I hate people that don’t know what there talking but it’s like listening to an idiot there is no jerking off on the walking dead lmao what’s wrong with u people fucking weirdos

      • Would you please learn what satire is, and how to recognize it? Please? For your own sake. Because you really make yourself look like a far more ignorant fool than any of these commentators would be if they were serious.

  5. Please tell me that you all are joking. You’re nothing but a bunch of ignorant Christians. Masturbation and sex are two very natural things in humans and animals alike. You all need help if you think that the walking dead has anything to do with masturbation. And just to let you know, you don’t go to hell because of sexual activity. Hell doesn’t exist besides in the book that you all put so much faith into. Also your book, the bible, is filled with rape and murder. Even complete genocide of the entire human race. And you think the walking dead is blasphemy. God isn’t real. Its all in your feeble little minds. Grow up and let go of imaginary friends.

    • Never heard nothing more stupider in my life u my kind sir is what we call confused and retarded lmao there is no her king off in the walking dead only blood and gore and good story and acting get a life

  6. Its true 100% of masturbators die and go to hell where they jack off the devil and get glazed in his glorious devil cum. That’s how deamons are born male and female masturbatrs going to hell to get the devil to butternut all over themb

    • I’m guessing you honestly don’t see that u sound like the devil u speak like the devil my kind sir u need to find god in your life I’d y say u already did that’s bullshit because there’s no way God would want u talking like that amen

  7. You know who else is a masturbating sinner that michone lady also I heard she voices her own opinion. What is the world coming to. Another thing about that self rapist I hear she’s a black women. Who’d have thought a black women on tv. In this day and age, sinners masturbators and opinionated women all on a channel I can easily avoid by chancing but as a white American Christian I feel I shouldn’t succumb to the lowliness of doing something without the approval of fox news first. Amen, Hitler did nothing wrong and was anti masturbation too.

  8. I love GOD but u are all stupid there is no masturbating in the show at all what so Ever. So u ppl like to try to ruin stuff 4 everyone,and everywhere but not me bunch of dumbass’es. GO OUT AND RUIN UR MARRIAGE,LIFE,FAMILY,OR SOMTHING IN UR LIFE NOT EVERYBODY ELSE’S

  9. ._. Tis the most retarded think I’ve ever read. You uptight religious humans are stupid.

  10. You people are fucking retards. Anti-Masturbation? This is the stupidest thing I have ever heard in my life. You make Jesus cry with your stupid bullshit. Especially all you people commenting about how true or good this article is. It’s all a bunch of bullshit. I hope when you all die Jesus smacks the shit out of you and sends you to Hell for being so stupid.

  11. Not only is he masturbating, I think the next few episodes, he might be having premarital sex. Carl is not a good boy, and he will be punished soon. Rick is a terrible father for letting all of his people keep masturbating or having premarital sex, then dying. That’s why they’ve all died. Everyone hates Chris because he had premarital sex with Beth. That’s why he died. Clearly it’s an epidemic. I pray for their souls, but I doubt any of them will survive.

  12. I’m masturbating right now, like, I’m typing this one handed. See you in hell, fuckers, because that’s where your ignorant interpretation on God’s intent is taking you.

    Peace, niggas

  13. After reading this shit of an article has caused me to want to jerk it. Masterbation is so wonderful, it pains me that you have forsaken this wonderous act, because a book told you to.

  14. This is so stupid. God isn’t real, the bible is a fictional book and prayer is just talking to an imaginary friend. Grow up and get a life.

  15. I masturbate frequently to the show its a nice way to blow off steam after burning churches and eating Christians

  16. First off ,i believe in god, and i masturbate, but people who support this article, and believe in it, they are fucking retards. Realise that this is just a show and not real. Its all script, thats why its called acting. Maybe if you guys werent suck closed-minded assholes, who would just calm down and take EVERY SINGLE DETAIL ABOUT THE BIBLE SO SERIOUSLY, then maybe we can have pease. And stop telling people that they are condemned to hell. Maybe if you had a better, and nicer and more logical approach, maybe people wouldnt insult you that much. You say you follow the bible, yet you judge others, try to condemn and curse them, and rebute them……. Yea, you guys are clearly great followers of Christ. Please just stop being closed minded ignorants. And if you are really going to follow the bible, quit judging because the bible says that only god can judge, so follow that rule. Peace out

  17. War is the result of masturbation- it causes a deranged mind, is bad karma for the soul, and makes one murder- or be murdered, it also causes untimely death, I’m a Hindu, the scriptures say losing semen is a cause of a horrible death, whether old or young, I’m sure this involves shooting.

  18. please Dr. Who is a show about a normally attractive man who travels with normally attractive women. There is so much sexual tension on the tardis that the Doctor and his lady friend probably masturbate so much that it smells. So stop kidding yourself heathen. I love the show for that reason

  19. Of course he masturbates. Have you seen the women with him Maggie, Rosita, Enid and Tara are all worthy of masturbation. I’m a female and I masturbate to them I’m 99% sure Tara does it just as much if not more then Carl. Since shes a single lesbian surrounded by so many beautiful straight women.

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