Hollyweird, CA – Hollywood bad boy Charlie Sheen, star of the homosexual situation-comedy program Two and 1/2 Half Man, announced that he has been punished by God for masturbating and has been cursed with the HIV-AIDS. Those who have been monitoring Sheen’s masturbatory practices are not surprised by the news.
“Chuck was the first major success story for the SMN ministries self-celibacy/Normalcy program which he completed with flying colors, transforming himself from the pathetic masturbating Mexican named Carlos Irwin Estevez into the swashbuckling Caucasian hero named Charlie Sheen.” explained Lonnie Childs, founder and prophet of STOP Masturbation NOW ministries.
“Unfortunately, things have taken a turn for the worse,” lamented Childs, “It turned out that he could only ignore the siren song of self-rape for so long and God’s curse is his reward. Sad, but inevitable. He had it all; fame, wealth, adoring fans, a same-race spouse and beautiful Caucasian children. The last time I saw Charlie, the thousand-yard stare in his eyes said it all. It was clear that he was masturbating again.” continued Childs, “It was obvious that God had answered our prayers regarding the well-being of Charlie, and that answer was ‘no.”
Charlie Sheen leaves behind three ex-wives, five children, and a lifetime’s supply of unused Tiger Blood.