Hollywood Blockbuster offers a Warning to Masturbators

Leaked Footage from Left Behind Shows Nicolas Cage Self Raping for 12 Minutes

Footage from the scrapped scene
Footage from the scrapped scene

Hollywood, CA – Leaked footage cut from the finished Left Behind, this year’s anticipated blockbuster Christian film from director Vic Armstrong and starring Nicolas Cage, apparently shows Cage masturbating for a full 12 minutes prior to the return of Jesus.

The books, written by Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins, did not include such a scene, although the script writers of the film felt it was necessary in providing a way for the audience to know why Cage’s character was not ascending to heaven with the rest of the good christians.

“At first, when watching Brad Johnson’s portrayal of Ray Steele, we were confused about why exactly he had been left behind,” says Paul LaLonde, head writer for the new film. “He seemed like a decent person, and he does his best throughout the film – acting with mercy and love – so why would he be left behind? What sort of god forgets someone like that?”

“And then it came to us. For the new film, we needed to show WHY to our audience. In our opinion, that’s why the first film did so badly – other than the fact that Cameron just walked around looking confused most of the time without doing any real acting. So we had a guy on the set by the name of Lonnie Childs, who was handing out pamphlets and talking to the actors on the set. He knew the head gaffer or something. Anyway, we were discussing why such a good man would be denied the gates of Heaven, and Lonnie gave us the idea. It was a really good idea, and Nic was up to it. Unfortunately, the test audiences weren’t so positive about it all.”

The footage was apparently cut from the film after initial test audiences reacted unfavorably to it, many leaving the theater and demanding their money back. “There just wasn’t any real reason for it to go on that long,” stated Vinnie Dago, a participant in the early screenings in Los Angeles. “ I mean, dude. Nicolas Cage is not exactly the prettiest man in the world, and watching him do… that for 12 minutes? Man. After 8 minutes, I told my daughter that we were leaving. She’s 7 years old, and I don’t think she needs to see anyone do that for 12 minutes.”

The film is set for release on October 3rd, 2014, in celebration of the day in 1941 that all elderly Jewish men of Kerenchug Ukraine were killed by SS, and the Nazis blew up 6 synagogues in Paris.

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BigLarry works at LonnieDale Farms, a wholesome and christian establishment that provides nutritious cat milk to all of our followers. Big and Bold, Larry doesn't mess around when it comes to Jesus, and he doesn't let anyone mess with Lonnie. Praise.

10 Comments on Hollywood Blockbuster offers a Warning to Masturbators

  1. Those horrendous image’s will forever be imprinted on my mind. Dear Lord, I ask you strike down this savage beast immediately. Amen!

  2. The drugs shelly was on was pain killers because the black dudes she was sleeping with tore that ass up with their monster 18 inch cock. Shelly is also confined to a wheel chair after screaming sexual congress with a brother.

  3. Nic Cage is the ultimate method actor. The lengths he goes to in order to portray the dangers of self-rape is nothing short of miraculous. I call on the US government to forgive all his tax debts.

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