NEW YORK, NEW YORK, NEW YORK — (SMNNN) Former pop artist and Lonvidian rising star, Justin Bieber, failed in an attempt to justify vandalism he allegedly committed against his neighbor back in January. Bieber’s legal team contended that the “egg throwing” was for “religious purposes” and not a random act of vandalism.
Bieber’s legal representation, Bill Jones, Esq., stated that “(We) tried to explain that Justin’s egg throwing was directly related to his current status as a holy man with the Stop Masturbation Now movement. But, the corrupt judge wouldn’t buy it. It is well known that menstruation wastes eggs and Justin asserts he was mainly trying to put those eggs to good use while trying to convert his heathen neighbors to the cause.”
The alleged “egg incident” on January 9th was just one of many incidents where Bieber’s actions were misconstrued as vandalism or miscreant behavior. In fact, Bieber has been seeking guidance from Lonnie Childs since early 2013 and all of these alleged “transgressions” have all been part of his therapy and conversion. In July 2013 an alleged incident occurred that the Big Masturbation controlled media spun to say Bieber “urinated in a bucket and spouted obscenities about Bill Clinton”. Big Masturbation went so far to doctor video footage to further implicate Bieber due to their distaste with his newfound alignment with the Stop Masturbation Now movement.
“The thing back in July 2013 was a joke,” added Jones, Esq. “The media tried to say he was urinating in that mop bucket but in fact he was only mocking a non-normal masturbator he saw earlier in the day. My client’s sin sword did not get unsheathed that day in that back room. Also, the audio on that tape was added later and while no one would be ashamed to say something negative about the disappointing Bill Clinton, Justin does not use such language anymore.”
Jones, Esq. went on to theorize that Big Masturbation could have potentially paid off the judge to make sure Bieber suffered for his alleged act. Despite Jones, Esq.’s efforts Bieber was charged with “wasting eggs” and “wanton vandalism” and was sentenced to pay over $80,000 in fines, to complete five days of community service and take part in anger management classes. The charge of “wasting eggs” being attributed to a man is extraordinary insofar that the charge is typically an additional charge levied on women who commit crimes while menstruating. That precedent alone proves that Big Masturbation’s shadow lurks heavily over Bieber’s sentencing and true justice was not served.
“Justin has no problem with the community service as he does community service every day for Lonnie Childs and the Stop Masturbation Now movement,” said Brother Don Robbins, an outreach director for Brother Lonnie’s University of Faith Facts. “He only harbors anger towards non-normals and masturbators so we’re certain he can easily complete Brother Nikita Shalavin‘s ‘Anger Management for Lonvidians’ course. As for the fine, Justin is obscenely rich; even after donating 66% of his assets to the SMN movement, $80,000 is like buying a cup of coffee at a gas station for him.”
Justin Bieber did not attend the hearing as he is currently sequestered at BLUFF in preparation for his performance at the Grand Opening ceremonies of the Childs Youth Procreation Adventure Theme Park this Friday.