“Jam Band”: A Rising Problem

An important editorial by Thomas Kelly, our respected Dean, Deacon, Professor and Wizard

A Jam Band Masturbation-orgy recruitment flyer.





…every song the Grateful Dead wrote was about masturbation, Satan or fornication!
Some lyrics: ” Born in the jungle, raised in the lions,den. Numba one occupation, stealin’ wimmens from dey mans.”- One of their songs
TRANSLATION: I am a sub-human beastophile. My job is to rape non-Normal females as I cuckold their men, whom I consider lessers.
” And if you go, no one may follow. That path is for, your steps alone…”-Some other song by them
TRANSLATION: Masturbate constantly. Masturbate now, often and profusely.
“…a friend of the Devil is a friend of mine…”- Yet another offensive song by those heathens
TRANSLATION: I am BFF with Satan! Satan is my liege! Hail Lord Satan!
“…make me jump like a Willy’s in four-wheel-drive…”- One of the MOST pornographic songs they did
TRANSLATION: My unmarried female associate gives me “hand-jibbers” constantly, and I am fine with it as I am a disgusting sinner, and I wish myself and others to burn in eternal hellfires!…

Dean Professor Reverend Doctor Brother Thomas Kelly, excerpt from  address to graduating class of 2013, B.L.U.F.F Ohio


Hello flock, welcome to this column, wherein, I shall reinforce my own, and Stop Masturbation Now’s, opinions and findings.

Today, there is a problem that is widespread amongst the obscure relics that still pay attention to it, and that problem’s name is Jam-Band. Jam-Band, and the craven hippies that infest them, are a leading cause of masturbation, and a way to pedal illicit Marihuanas to under-age Christians, and then influence them to becomes whores of Satan, and forfeit their very souls.

The huge number of masturbating hippies present at this local Jam-Band show is disgusting!
The huge number of masturbating hippies present at this local Jam-Band show is disgusting!


Jam-Band was created in the epicenter of the Homogay Virus outbreak of the summer of 1965, at Haight-Ashbury , San Francisco. There, the concentrated Satanic Evils, free use of marihuanas, and loose sexuality, resulted in the formation of psychedelic drugs which could be easily injected, and naturally lead to a 1000% increase in masturbation.

Soon the area was not large enough to contain the huge number of Communist sympathizers and freedom-hating gayosexuals who had flocked to Haight-Ashbury to participate in the perpetual circle masturbation ritual that was held right outside, in the middle of the street, for 72 consecutive months. San Francisco began to develop environmental problems, such as sewer-back up, do to the high amount of semen clogging the storm drain system, and corrosion of the Sears Tower and cable car system by airborne masturbatory residue particles changing the Ph of the atmospheric moisture to incredibly acidic.

Soon, the entire West coast was depleted of crucial stores of Hydrox sandwich cookies, the preferred cookie of the perpertual masturbation ritual that had become known as ” The Grateful Dead” . Danforth Hydrox IV, the heir to the great Hydrox Fortune, and CEO of Hydrox Brands, issued a ban on all forms of Hydrox within any part of San Francisco, forcing the huge mass of depravity to become transient.

Hydrox, a brand that will not take being sullied by a masturbation-circus lying down!
Hydrox, a brand that will not take being sullied by a masturbation-circus lying down!

Masturbation, or “Jamming Out” as it was called, was the crux of this new, huddled mass of unclean, hairy, reprobates, Soon, The Grateful Dead, helm-ed by non-Normal Mexican Jerry Garcia, developed a sort of Masturbation-Circus, which traveled the globe gathering the indigent and malformed cast-offs of society.

After being sued by every Christian Church in the USA, The Grateful Dead then hastily re-classified themselves as “musicians”, though there is no evidence that any core member of their “group” played any music at all. None the less, this was accepted, and The Grateful Dead went on to continue advocating self-rape and Satanism for many more years, until Jerry Garcia succumbed to his own ugliness, and self-raped himself to death with a marihuanas water pipe.

The death of head-masturbator Jerry Garcia elevated him to heathen false-idol status, and he is still deified by many Satanists to this very day.

Jerry Garcia was grandfather of the Jam-Band movement
Jerry Garcia was grandfather of the Jam-Band movement


Sadly, today’s very stupid youth are flocking, in very small, but significant numbers, to Jam-Band held in local areas. Modern drugs such as “X” suppositories and “Wacked-out Goof-Balls”, along with the pervasive nature of Liberal Evil Thought have encouraged the horrible Jam-Band culture, and it is gaining momentum with modern mainstream Jam-Band bands such as Fishes, Rusted Roots, Owl City, Beyonce and Kanye West.

Owl City is one of most well known Jam-Band bands.
Owl City is one of the most well known Jam-Band bands.


Faithsceintific studies I have headed, agree with my assessment that Jam-Band is a serious problem that should be eliminated completely. I propose a world-wide ban on this filth and the sinners that support this debauchery, and I pray they be condemned to Triple Hell.


About Thomas Kelly 62 Articles
Thomas Kelly, SMN Faithscience Editor, is the Dean of several B.L.U.F.F's, as well as the preeminent authority on Faithscience. In addition these lofty titles, he is also a powerful wizard, and holds over fifty non-secular PHDs.

17 Comments on “Jam Band”: A Rising Problem

  1. That’s not Jerry García, that’s Frank Zappa hahaha. And that’s not Owl City, that’s Black Eyed Peas. Now definitely confirmed: this site’s a whole joke. I was really starting to believe it was true!

    • I agree with Brother Danger, whole food shoppers are tree hugging, marijuana injecting horrible people.

  2. Jerry Garcia was a prolific masturbator and his guitar solo-ing has been described as masturbatory. He was a sinful leader of counterculture and infected thousands of youth into a life of sin and depraved drug-orgies.

  3. Phil Collins left the jam band he was in and immediately recorded “In The Air Tonight”, an Anti-Masturbation classic anthem. Nothing good happens to anyone in a jam band. If a jam band is able to escape before the marijuana, bad mushrooms and masturbation kill them; then they are the lucky ones.


  4. Let us not forget how Jerry Garcia lost his finger. His father caught him masturbating behind the shed (again) and removed said finger to teach him a lesson! Lets all pray for Bob Garcia, he is a true inspiration to us all!! Praise on High!!

    • What?! That’s not what happened!!! Where the hell do you get all this false information? I mean, you REALLY have a problem. You all lie and have no problem with it. You just do it as natural as breathing. You talk about masturbation issues….Well you have compulsive pathological lying. Most of the things you claim people have said are ALL LIES. So, indeed, you have pathological lying. As you pathological liers would say: PRAYING AT YOUR!

  5. Collins’ former band, named Exoous after the book in the bible, had another escapee named Gabriel Peters. His story, however, took a turn for the worst when he succumbed to Big Masturbation’s lure, He returned to jamband music when he came (pun not intended) out with the self-rape anthem, “Shock the Monkey.”

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