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Jesus To Attend “Lonnie Days Celebration” in September – Stop Masturbation Now

Jesus To Attend “Lonnie Days Celebration” in September

Chosen Normals prepare to greet King of Kings.

He's coming! Repent now!
He’s coming! Repent now!


Jesus H. Christ Almighty, son of God, and personal best friend forever of Lonald Childs, has just been confirmed as the guest of honor of the 17th annual “Lonnie Days” holy celebration.

Says Metatron, Seraphim Voice of The Lords, in a brilliant immolation of the B.L.U.F.F campound main crucifix: ” LO! THE SON THE MAKER, THE KING OF KINGS, JESUS H.CHRIST ALMIGHTY, SHALL GRACE THESE GROUNDS ON THE 19th OF SEPTEMBER, IN THE FATHER’S YEAR OF 2014. REPENT NOW, OR FACE HIS JUDGEMENT! ”

Though two people died from the announcement explosion, there is much joy and energy at the B.L.U.F.F Campound as the Chosen Normals begin preparations for the event.

Recently appointed triple-doctor Leonard Chimball says there is still much work to be done. ” Well the place is a mess. Merle and I will have to pressure-wash everything and everyone. We’re gonna need more muratic acid, some stuff around here is down-right rank. ” He then added that even though he would we working around the clock until the celebration, he feels fortunate. “Jesus, this mess is crazy. Just my luck. ” Said 3xDr Chimball.

Cassidy Pen, noted ancient, venerable, and very hairy man, has sobered up for the first time in nearly six months. ” A man can only drown in his sorrows for so long. ” Says Pen. “Eventually, there comes a time to put the shine jug down, and take action. ” Mr Pen was last seen naked, and armed with his Rambo III survival knife, and according to witnesses, has entered the swamps to slay many bears for the upcoming feast.

Even the women of B.L.U.F.F are a-buzz with excitement, and as such, the stockades have remained occupied around the clock, and several extra guards have been placed around the Menstrual Hut.

” This is good news. ” Said Senator August Weisz. ” I’m very happy to hear The Lord will be attending the festivities. This is going to be great P.R for the upcoming election. ”

Several large oil-soaked crucifixes are being constructed in honor of Lord Christ’s visit. Prepared by ancient non-normal crack-pot Chadwick Nonormelle. ” I am so happy. I am so freakin’ happy. So happy..” Said Mr Nonnormelle, before breaking down into hysterics and convulsions of joy.

The 17th Annual Lonnie Days celebration is the largest faith-based anti-masturbation festival in the known universe, and will be held on the 19th of September at Brother Lonnie’s University of Faith Facts Main Headquarters/Campound in Safford Arizona. This year it is expected to attract tens of visitors.

About Thomas Kelly 62 Articles
Thomas Kelly, SMN Faithscience Editor, is the Dean of several B.L.U.F.F's, as well as the preeminent authority on Faithscience. In addition these lofty titles, he is also a powerful wizard, and holds over fifty non-secular PHDs.

12 Comments on Jesus To Attend “Lonnie Days Celebration” in September

  1. Is there a way to talk to an admin or another kind of EDUCATED faithfact representive.
    I self-rape and want to stop, but I simply can’t I try to pray, but the devil lurks nearby and when he eavesdrop on my prayers he gives me the “urges”. I don’t want to be a filthy self-rapist and I don’t want to go to hell.. PLEASE HELP ME!!!!

  2. Dude. You won’t go to hell for masturbation. You go to hell for not believing in the REAL TRUE son of God– the one who died on the cross and rose on the 3rd day… Just so you know..

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