Celebrity

Lenny Kravitz Wardrobe Malfunction Proves Status As Masturbator

Emo rocker Lenny Kravitz recently embarrassed himself in public by way of a “wardrobe malfunction” while on stage performing to a live audience. The alleged “malfunction” occurred when Kravitz’s pants supposedly “exploded”; causing his unremarkable, rubbery genitalia to flop in time with the spastic motions his body was making to the unclean music being performed by his backing band. While the media is reporting on this transgression by Kravitz, they’re playing it off an as “accident”. Brother Ethan Applegate, a deacon at Brother Lonnie’s University of Faith Facts disagrees.

“We’ve been watching him (Kravitz) for a while now,” explains Brother Ethan. “He really messed up this time since he clearly wore the wrong pants on stage that day. His PR people are trying to claim that his pants tore, but we know what really caused Kravitz’s sin stick to be illegally exposed to minors.” Brother Ethan claims that Kravitz was wearing a special pair of leather pants preferred by “discriminating masturbators of all genders”. The pants reportedly have an “easy access flap” that allows unfettered access to the genitalia.

Kravitz accidentally wore his masturbation trousers instead of his usual "crowd friendly" spandex performance hose as seen here.

Kravitz accidentally wore his masturbation trousers instead of his usual “crowd friendly” spandex performance hose as seen here.

“Sickos like Kravitz have ready access to their junk at all times,” adds Sister Sarah Timmons, speaking with permission from Brother Ethan. “The Brothers have warned us lesser gendereds about horrible men like him and their special tricks and traps they use to lure the unclean to their diseased cause.”

Sister Sarah also speculates that these trousers are typically made out of leather because, “They (the masturbators) get a sick thrill from having animal skin against their diseased skin.” Brother Ethan agrees with Sister Sarah and added that the “eventual fornication with animals” is a “typical escalation” from masturbators “such as Lenny Kravitz”.

Brother Lonnie is currently too busy to waste his precious time issuing a statement about a common celebrity masturbator like Lenny Kravitz, but several deacons are keeping a watchful eye on this developing story.

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Merle Chimball
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Merle Chimball

The man needs counseling and to be removed from the public sphere before he can influence other young boys into a homosexual lifestyle. He also looks like the dictator Hussein Obama and I have heard is a muslem as well

No Fuck Will Be Given
Guest

What in bloody fuck.

Deidra
Guest

I found this video you guys might like. It has lots of good info on temptations of the flesh

https://commons.m.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Masturbating.ogv

Pekoe Baggins
Guest
Pekoe Baggins

If I didn’t have a faithful wife-servant to clean the vomit off my computer screen and walls, I would have been seeing red right now. I am not angry. I promise. I’m just rolling my eyes. I will pray for you.

Patriarch Jasper Centaur
Member

We need to look into more half-Jewish celebrity masterbaters, there may be a common link to fapping.

The Masterbator extremeo!
Guest
The Masterbator extremeo!

LMAO! wow can’t believe this site exists…. you guys are so afraid to open your eyes and are so brain washed, probably brainwashed at a young age by your parents. I hope their is a special place in hell for retards.

Elise Renee
Guest
Elise Renee

I Am A Non Church Going Methodist, And I Say: PLAY AWAY, Dear Lenny! I’d Like To Have SEEN THAT! I’m In My Early 40’s, But I Have To Say As A Non Church Going Methodist, ROCK ON YOU HOT HUNK, Lenny!!!! Oh My Goodness, You All So Did NOT Just Say THIS About This HOT HUNK Of Meat Lenny?! Curses!

IM FRENCH
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IM FRENCH

Hi, i just masturbated myself and i found this website (don’t ask me how i landed there, idk) and i think you guys are funny “rape is from the demon” and other fcking stupid ideas.

We are civilised ppl, then i will express my feelings: this is an extremist website, catholic extremist, like extremist islam, with differents ideas. You have been brain brain washed by your family who tought that was a great idea, but see where you are going.

M
Guest
M

this is a satire site.