Emo rocker Lenny Kravitz recently embarrassed himself in public by way of a “wardrobe malfunction” while on stage performing to a live audience. The alleged “malfunction” occurred when Kravitz’s pants supposedly “exploded”; causing his unremarkable, rubbery genitalia to flop in time with the spastic motions his body was making to the unclean music being performed by his backing band. While the media is reporting on this transgression by Kravitz, they’re playing it off an as “accident”. Brother Ethan Applegate, a deacon at Brother Lonnie’s University of Faith Facts disagrees.
“We’ve been watching him (Kravitz) for a while now,” explains Brother Ethan. “He really messed up this time since he clearly wore the wrong pants on stage that day. His PR people are trying to claim that his pants tore, but we know what really caused Kravitz’s sin stick to be illegally exposed to minors.” Brother Ethan claims that Kravitz was wearing a special pair of leather pants preferred by “discriminating masturbators of all genders”. The pants reportedly have an “easy access flap” that allows unfettered access to the genitalia.
“Sickos like Kravitz have ready access to their junk at all times,” adds Sister Sarah Timmons, speaking with permission from Brother Ethan. “The Brothers have warned us lesser gendereds about horrible men like him and their special tricks and traps they use to lure the unclean to their diseased cause.”
Sister Sarah also speculates that these trousers are typically made out of leather because, “They (the masturbators) get a sick thrill from having animal skin against their diseased skin.” Brother Ethan agrees with Sister Sarah and added that the “eventual fornication with animals” is a “typical escalation” from masturbators “such as Lenny Kravitz”.
Brother Lonnie is currently too busy to waste his precious time issuing a statement about a common celebrity masturbator like Lenny Kravitz, but several deacons are keeping a watchful eye on this developing story.