McKayla is Not Impressed with Child Pornography


(StopMasturbationNow)—World-famous meme template and sometimes Olympic gymnast, McKayla Maroney, is not impressed. Not impressed at all. Pictures of McKayla were included among those leaked in 2014’s The Fappening.

Like all good Christian soldiers, she initially denied that the photos were of her (1 Thessalonians 5:22, King Lonald Version). McKayla clarified her statements and issued this press bulletin:


What’s he keeping that other hand free for?

“I am pursuing legal action to have these fake photos, which are not of me, removed from all websites currently hosting them. I hold the copyright to these fake photos which are not of me. More importantly, Someone Who Isn’t Me was underage when they were taken. I know this because the fake girl in these fake photos was radiocarbon dated to be 17 years old at the time.

Anyone who looks at these photos is guilty of possessing child pornography. This includes Someone Who Isn’t Me when I initially took and sent them, presumably to my perverted 52-year-old head coach, Arthur Akopyan. I mean, why else would you make a career of coaching underage girls in tight outfits if not to coax them into sending you nude photos? There’s no way you can look at those smooth thighs and toned buttcheeks all day, not to mention running your hands all over them, without fapping yourself silly when you go home to your ugly hag of a wife at night.


Masturbators often hide in plain sight and flaunt their wicked deeds in the face of the whole world.

I mean, it’s one thing for every man across the globe to ogle a 14-year-old girl’s legs, feet, mosquito bites, camel toe, and hungry bum on national television while greedily clutching their sin sticks. It’s another entirely to look at outdated nude pictures of a 17-year-old who is now a legal adult. You all need Jesus, you disgusting jizz junkies.”

Fellow teammate Aly Raisman is reported to be ‘furious’ over the photos: “This scandal is not funny. During the 2012 Olympics, I was known as Aly ‘Junk in the Trunk’ Raisman. And now no one even cares enough about me to hack the iClouds for the nude photos I sent to my aging old perv of a coach, Mihai Brestyan. My heart is broken.”


aly raisman
Looking away doesn’t make it any less of a sin, Ms. Raisman.


The photos have been removed from and various pornographic websites, but an afternoon on the internet down at your local public library should be sufficient to locate them.

About Dr. Cornelius Felcher 11 Articles
Dr. Cornelius Felcher, J.O. is the chief medical correspondent for Stop Masturbation NOW Ministries. Dr. Felcher specializes in Preventative Masturbatory Medicine. His motto is, "An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of sperm." He has been called the Mehmet Oz of masturbation, the Sanjay Gupta of self-rape, the Drew Pinsky of diddling, the Joseph Mercola of jacking off. Dr. Felcher earned his online degree in Biblical Biology from Brother Lonnie's University of Faith Facts (B.L.U.F.F.), a WASP-accredited reactionary arts college in Safford, Arizona. He is a fully licensed and certified GP (Godly Practitioner) with additional training in TCM (Traditional Christian Medicine), homogayopathy, supernaturopathic medicine, sackupuncture, and various other forms of Sinless Christian Alternative Medicine (SCAM).

16 Comments on McKayla is Not Impressed with Child Pornography

  1. Truffle, thank you so much for your support and kind words. I live to serve and inspire my fellow man. The lesser-gendered and lesser-specied have a place in my heart as well, somewhere in the back corner.

  2. Brother Lonnie, I am beyond blessed to hear these words from you. It’s like unto receiving your golden shower of love and forgiveness all over again.

  3. Are you a member of the klu klux klan as well doctor? And have you ridden on the town bicycle Truffle? Or as I have renamed her Fluffle!

  4. A cat who’s also a bicycle? This sounds like that Satanic witchcult snuff movie Transformers! We will be having none of that in all of Lonnie’s holy campound.

    • Pay no mind to, Jimmy, Dr Felcher. He is one of many masturhating, HomoGay™ savages, that frequent our Holy Netsite. He has been offered help many times and still refuses it. Jimmy will suffer with the wrist cancer and diabeetus before Satan welcome’s him into triple-hell for eternity.

  5. Fluffle I’m not a homogay I’ve been married for 14 years. As for this help you speak of you gave me a phone number for the klu klux klan. I fail to see how they are going to help me with the sin if self rape which I’m about to commit.

  6. Jimmy, if you had heeded the words of those who truly care about you, you may have at least been spared triple-hell. Double-hell is only 2/3 times infinity as bad.

  7. Jimmy I am here for you Lord oh Lord. Jesus looks upon you with grace. But not those skinny cock assholes

  8. Child porn is cleansing of the soul
    Yall need to go fly out to my little pony land and suck cupcakes fat cock

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