President Obama showed his true colors as a masturbator at a White House awards ceremony earlier today. The awards ceremony, honoring no longer relevant musician, Linda Ronstadt, for some reason; found Obama just mere inches away from someone he had spent his childhood fantasizing over. At point, Obama reached over and gently touched Ronstadt’s hand and whispered something in her ear. Obama later admitted to reporters that he told Ronstadt that he “had a crush on her” and “thought of her often during intimate moments alone as a boy”. Ronstadt appeared unfazed after being whispered to; however, she declined an invitation to have dinner at the White House later this evening. No reason was given by Ronstadt or her publicist.
Obama, speaking off the cuff with reporters after the event also said that he “thought of Ronstadt all of the time” and that she “reminded him a lot of his mother.” He said he was disappointed that Ronstadt would be unable to join him for dinner, but thanked the photographers for taking so many photos of him briefly touching Ronstadt.
“I’ll cherish this moment, and those photographs, forever. Long after I’ve left the Oval Office”, Obama said to the press. Questions then turned to why Obama was spending time “honoring” his boyhood masturbation fantasy instead of dealing with any number of problems facing the nation. White House Press Secretary, Josh Earnest, then abruptly ended the Q&A portion of the awards ceremony and Obama was escorted out of the room by Secret Service.
Calls to Ronstadt’s management for further statements were not returned by press time.