Profile Of A Famous Masturbator: Amanda Bynes

Amanda Bynes
Amanda Bynes in 2006, before masturbation nearly destroyed her life.
Amanda Bynes
Amanda Bynes taking Lonnie’s pledge in front the Council of Elders in Safford, Arizona on October 1st, 2014.

The allure of Hollywood draws in the unholy from all walks of life. Brother Lonnie has made it clear in the past that no one is safe from the dangers of masturbation; including and especially the rich and famous. In many of these cases, the actor / singer / songwriter / politician starts out with the best of intentions, like any good American Christian. And then, as they are in the public spotlight, it is extremely easy for the devout to see the warning signs of onset masturbation addiction.

One such example in more recent times would be the actress known as ‘Amanda Bynes’. Ms. Bynes began her career as an actress at an early age and by the age of thirteen had her own television program. At this time she was as pure as any American teen that was shielded from the cesspool that is the liberal public education system.

Throughout the 2000s, Bynes rose to star in several high-profile films that gained her financial success and earned points with the ‘powers that be’ in Hollywood. The trouble began in 2010 when Bynes, then 24 years old, began her descent into sin. She started the year with a troubling photo shoot with the Big Masturbation softcore magazine “Maxim”. Bynes stated, almost unconvinced herself, that the disgusting hussy shown in the filth magazine was “who I am”.

Not long after, Bynes announced her retirement from acting. Another stark warning sign that something was controlling Bynes and her decisions. Unfortunately, the downward spiral continued into 2012 when Bynes announced her intent to become a rapper. Much like Miley Cyrus, the trajectory appeared to be: pious child star + masturbation = degenerate rapper.

We all saw what becoming a rapper did to former pasta restaurateur, Hulk Hogan and it flat-out killed Slim Jim spokesman Randy ‘Macho King’ Savage. Getting involved with rap music is a gigantic red flag that someone has slid way too far down the slippery slope of masturbation dementia.

By 2013, Ms. Bynes found herself hopelessly addicted to marijuana to the point that in a society that has apparently decided smoking the sin weed is A-Ok – she managed to get arrested for it. During that incident, Bynes claimed that the police officer, who was just doing his job, slapped her ‘vagina’. Another common side effect of a masturbator is trying to blame their masturbation addiction on those around them. Most likely,Bynes tried to slap her own vagina in the presence of the officer and if anything he merely attempted to restrain her. Kudos for that officer for being proactive around someone clearly suffering from masturbation addiction.

Amanda Bynes in Safford, Arizona
Brother Lonnie took this photo of Amanda after she completed the first phase of her reconditioning on October 9th, 2014 :: photo by L. Childs

Bynes spend the second half of 2013 being held in custody and tested for mental competency. Of course, modern mainstream medicine refuses to treat masturbation addiction so by the end of 2013 this horrid deviant was let loose back on to the streets.

2014 foundBynes once again in trouble with the law as her masturbation addiction progressed to the point where her body required alcohol constantly for her to function. Shewas arrested for driving under the influence in late September. Again, the world of medicine refusing to address the core cause of her variety of issues.

It is then that Bynes’ family turned to the only person they could trust, Lonnie Childs. As Bynes had been offered a role in the upcoming season of the television program ‘Twin Peaks’, her family needed Bynes to be on the straight and narrow once again. Bynes’ was flown to the Safford, Arizona campound and was put before the Council of Elders. She reluctantly agreed to the take Brother Lonnie’s pledge. The hope is that through faith and the help of the Brothers and Sisters at Lonnie’s campound that Ms. Bynes can once again be a productive member of society.

We are all praying at her. Praise be.

About Cathy Redmond 104 Articles
Cathy Redmond is a graduate of University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire, earning degrees in English and Political Science. She likes long walks in the desert, strong Conservative leadership and America.

10 Comments on Profile Of A Famous Masturbator: Amanda Bynes

  1. I have just finished my first 24 hour prayer vigil at her. Although exhausted and weak, after I finish my compound chores today, I will continue to pray at her for a further 24 hours.

    A Lonvidians work is never done until all masturbation has been eradicated. Praise!

  2. Brother Lonald I heard this wonderful joke at your expense today… How does somebody who weighs over 600 pounds have the balls to teach people about self dicipline?… brother lonald I couldnt help but chuckle. .
    Praise! Warm sticky praise all over sister fluffle!

  3. This is retarded, she has a weed and alcohol addiction, the whole masturbation thing is just brought in, in a bad attempt to blame masturbation, which is a healthy activity for your body, on her behavior. This behavior is an effect of the weed/alcohol. Can someone intelligent please write these articles.

  4. So much potential with this one, but she has been tainted. I am praying that Dr. Childs can work some magic.

    • I am praying that “Dr” Childfucker dies in a horrible accident while he got assfucked by my mighty, big and glorious tube-steak!

  5. HOW DID Brother Lonnie take photo of Amanda after she completed the first phase of her reconditioning on October 9th, 2014 when it is clear that she is taking a “Selfie” FUCKING IDIOTS

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