Celebrity

Rapper, Masturbator Fred Durst Admits To Murder On Live Mic

Fred Durst, rapper, confirmed masturbator and disgusting mind behind rap music metal band “Limp Bizkit” admitted on a live mic during a recent interview that he “killed them all”. Durst, of course was referring to all of the unborn children he has murdered over the years by masturbating into various wads of tissue paper, toilet paper and onto various inanimate baked objects backstage at his satanic rap concerts.

Durst has long been a champion of Big Masturbation with his morally loose satanic metal rap band, “Limp Bizkit”, itself named after masturbation counter-culture slang. Sources close to the unrepentant masturbator speculate that Durst is nearing the end of his life, as evidenced by his aged appearance for a man who is only 44 years old. “Durst looks like he’s in his 70s because of all the masturbation over the years catching up with him,” said one anonymous source from the Durst camp. “He’s finally coming to terms with how much he has destroyed in his life due to masturbation. He also realizes the sheer number of potential offspring he murdered due to his wanton ejaculations. I firmly believe that Mr. Durst no longer has any fear and is owning up to all of the dirty deeds he’s committed in his life.”

A spokesman for Brother Lonnie Childs, Brother Burt Mangum, says that Lonnie Childs is in a difficult predicament after Durst’s admissions. “On one hand, Lonnie wants to be able to take Durst in and mold him into a true believer like He has done with countless other celebrity masturbators over the years. However, due to Durst’s advanced health issues from thousands upon thousands of masturbation incidents over his career, well, Lonnie feels that it may be too little too late.”

Brother Mangum could neither confirm nor deny that anyone in the anti-masturbation movement has reached out to Durst after his recent confessions. “We are keeping a close eye on the situation,” added Brother Mangum. “As the law in many of the more liberal states does not consider the acts Durst has admitted to as criminal we are not sure what Durst’s short-term future looks like.”

Durst is probably best known for his cover of Homogay™ George Michael’s pro-Homogay™ masturbation anthem “Faith” – one of the most inappropriately titled songs of our generation.

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augustweisz
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I say lock him away and throw away the key.

wolf
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wolf

You are a bunch of sad individuals. First all, I am a satanist and you whole things about “Limp Bizkit is satanic” is a bunch of hogwash. There is nothing in his music about Fred Durst relating to anything satanic. Also there is nothing wrong with masturbation. IT is proven to be part of the development of the human being as well as healthy, proven healthy by psychiatrists and doctors, for the average human being to masturbate. Are you so scared of something that is so normal for a person to do? Here. When you are done judging others, which… Read more »

jacobfranklin
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jacobfranklin

I had actually seen Limp Bizkits back in the late nineties but I left the show when Fred Durst encouraged everyone in the audience to Juggalo Teabag.
one of my friends that was at the show was hospitalized for over a week after combining marijuana and alcohol at the show.
I’m happy to see his sinful life has finally caught up with him.

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[…] know it may be a bit shocking, but Fred Durst once talked in public about inappropriate things! He bragged about having some alone time in a bathroom stall before one […]