Fred Durst, rapper, confirmed masturbator and disgusting mind behind rap music metal band “Limp Bizkit” admitted on a live mic during a recent interview that he “killed them all”. Durst, of course was referring to all of the unborn children he has murdered over the years by masturbating into various wads of tissue paper, toilet paper and onto various inanimate baked objects backstage at his satanic rap concerts.
Durst has long been a champion of Big Masturbation with his morally loose satanic metal rap band, “Limp Bizkit”, itself named after masturbation counter-culture slang. Sources close to the unrepentant masturbator speculate that Durst is nearing the end of his life, as evidenced by his aged appearance for a man who is only 44 years old. “Durst looks like he’s in his 70s because of all the masturbation over the years catching up with him,” said one anonymous source from the Durst camp. “He’s finally coming to terms with how much he has destroyed in his life due to masturbation. He also realizes the sheer number of potential offspring he murdered due to his wanton ejaculations. I firmly believe that Mr. Durst no longer has any fear and is owning up to all of the dirty deeds he’s committed in his life.”
A spokesman for Brother Lonnie Childs, Brother Burt Mangum, says that Lonnie Childs is in a difficult predicament after Durst’s admissions. “On one hand, Lonnie wants to be able to take Durst in and mold him into a true believer like He has done with countless other celebrity masturbators over the years. However, due to Durst’s advanced health issues from thousands upon thousands of masturbation incidents over his career, well, Lonnie feels that it may be too little too late.”
Brother Mangum could neither confirm nor deny that anyone in the anti-masturbation movement has reached out to Durst after his recent confessions. “We are keeping a close eye on the situation,” added Brother Mangum. “As the law in many of the more liberal states does not consider the acts Durst has admitted to as criminal we are not sure what Durst’s short-term future looks like.”
Durst is probably best known for his cover of Homogay™ George Michael’s pro-Homogay™ masturbation anthem “Faith” – one of the most inappropriately titled songs of our generation.