LIBERAL HOLLYWOOD, CALIF. — (SMNNN) Famous son of actor Alan Thicke (Family Ties, Tremors 2: Aftershocks), Robin Thicke has announced he has allegedly been masturbation free for four months in his latest attempt to win back his estranged assigned spouse, Paula Patton.
Thicke’s spouse, Patton, originally had “had enough” of Thicke’s unsavory tactics like grabbing female fans inappropriately and also having backstage masturbation orgies with his fellow performers at his live events. In February, Patton got official confirmation from Lonnie Childs that she could be re-assigned to a new spouse due to Thicke’s transgressions.
A spokesman for Childs said, “Ms. Patton reached out to us after walking in on another of Robin’s masturbation orgies in the backstage area of a concert with notorious masturbation advocates and deviants ‘Maroon 5’. Ms. Patton had had enough and quite frankly, we agreed with her. While Lonnie had no issues with Mr. Thicke grabbing his female fans, he had a BIG problem with the masturbation orgies and consorting with the likes of Maroon 5. It was decided to grant Ms. Patton a separation and make her eligible for spousal reassignment.”
Since the Childs sponsored separation, Thicke has made many efforts to try and “win” Patton back. However, such efforts as allowing the harpy known as Miley Cyrus to grind her buttocks on his pubis bone unsurprisingly did little to impress either Ms. Patton or the Stop Masturbation Now movement.
Thicke, not really having any guidance since Lonnie Childs turned his back on him in shame, broke down recently during an interview with the Christianity Today talk show on AM 1440 in Los Angeles. Thicke began weeping again, as he has done several times since being stripped of his assigned spouse, and then issued the following statement:
“I’ve let down both my previously assigned spouse, Paula, and more importantly have let down Lonnie Childs. I know due to my excommunication from the Stop Masturbation Now movement, there is no way to prove this; but I have not masturbated in FOUR MONTHS! (emphasis Thicke) I will do whatever Lonnie wants of me to allow Paula to be reassigned as my spouse and if that means no more masturbating, no more concerts with Maroon 5 – then that is what I’m willing to do.”
While Thicke’s speech seemed somewhat genuine and sincere, sources close to the singer’s entourage say it’s not entirely true. “I’ve seen him enter backstage rooms with (Adam) Levine, and we’ve come to know what that means as part of Robin’s crew”, said the anonymous member of Thicke’s road crew.
Lonnie Childs was unavailable for comment, however, the SMN spokesman we talked to for this story said He is being kept abreast of the Thicke situation. One would assume if Childs were to detect Thicke was ever genuinely ready to stop masturbating and become a moral man again, that the organization would reach out to Thicke for a re-programming retreat at one of the SMN dark sites.