Every NFL fan knows that The New England Patriots have dominated the sport for the past decade, compiling a winning percentage that is by far the best in the league while winning three Super Bowls in the process. Two seasons ago, the team were poised to continue their dominance for the next decade when management brought in God’s Favorite Quarterback®, Tim Tebow, to replace incumbent and aging quarterback, Tom Brady.
Tim Tebow was blessed by God with the talent and charisma to lead his team to victories on the field and spread the Word off it (and on it). While attending the University of Florida, Brother Tim won the Heisman Trophy in 2007, lead his team to a championship in 2008 and a 13–1 season in 2009. While in the NFL, Tim guided the Denver Broncos to the playoffs and set the league record for demonstrative on field praying, a record that stands to this day.
While preparing for his first season with the Patriots, Brother Tim held a players-only prayer meeting where he told the story of Lonnie Childs and the STOP Masturbation NOW ministries. He implored them all to take the pledge of self-celibacy and to accept Lonnie’s Golden Shower of Grace and Forgiveness. While some players immediately took the pledge, several of the dastardly atheist players complained to the coaches and Tim was subsequently released from the team.
By besmirching Tim, God and Lonnie Himself, the Patriots thought they were above the Holy Word. For the sin of pride, God has cursed the Patriots and they have won ZERO Super Bowls since.