(StopMasturbationNow) — A self-rape induced outbreak of EF5 tornadoes swept across the Masturbation Belt this Sunday, June 8, 2014. The damage left by this rash of twisters has been described by local authorities as catastrophic, crippling, savage, and atheist. Over 275 lives were lost and over 3.1 million people are said to be suffering from indian burn-like abrasions to their genitalia and palms.
The American Red Cross has reached out to President Obama for emergency relief. That request was promptly denied stating, “FEMA is reserved for acts of God, not terrorism. If the south is committing self-rape at such alarming levels as to cause statewide damage, then they should be prepared to face the stern consequences.”
It is rumoured that Bono, lead singer of U2 will hold a charity concert in Keokuk Iowa. When asked why he chose Iowa instead of the location of this disaster Bono replied, “The people of Keokuk are strong, resilient buyers, traders and swappers. Who better to raise the funds needed to send aid?”.
STOP Masturbation NOW- Meteorologist Christina McIerncock Rubright