SAFFORD, AZ — (SMMNN) It is with a heavy heart that I am tasked with this update to this holy netsite documenting the latest victims gallery of masturbation casualties.
As previously reported by my esteemed colleague, Erich Sean, masturbation kills celebrities in fours and that is a proven Faith Fact™. Unfortunately, we had another rash of celebrity deaths to kick off the month of June.
I was hoping the cycle was broken after the failed assassination attempt of actor Tracy Morgan on June 7th by Big Masturbation. However, baseball themed musician Bob Welch died suddenly on June 9th to complete the current cycle that was in play. Professional maid Ann Davis began the cycle on June 1st, followed quickly by helmet aficionado Don Zimmer and then lifetime sociology student Rik Mayall died without warning just hours before Welch passed on; completing the cycle. The mystery surrounding Welch’s passing just adds further indication that the Tracy Morgan incident was no “accident” and the shadowy forces of Big Masturbation had to claim an alternate victim in Welch to keep their sick and twisted “deaths in fours” tradition intact.
This serves as yet another stark reminder that masturbation has real world consequences and can impact anyone; including the famous and powerful. Do not let these victims die in vain. Do your part and spread the word about the horrors of masturbation.
Cathy Redmond, reporting for StopMasturbationNow.org.