THE ISLAND OF UNITED KINGDOMS- (SMNN)
The world’s least funny man, noted filthy atheist Ricky Gervais admitted today, that he is also the world’s most prolific masturbator. Gervais admits to masturbating in excess of 300 times daily.
Ricky Gervais, horrible non-humourous atheist, has long been known to be pure evil, and devoid of morals, but his confession of such heresy has pushed even this lowly troglodyte to the very edge of what society considers tolerable.
Gervais himself, seems non-plussed by the statement, and when questioned about it, refused to give a statement, and began to vigorously rub and clean his Siamese cat with his own tongue, before cackling, and throwing various porcelain objects at our interviewer.
B.L.U.F.F Healers state that masturbation of this frequency shortens the lifespan of the individual by 6 years per day, making Mr Gervais effectively -568,450 years old.