Classifieds

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85 Comments on Classifieds

  1. If any normal, healthy, lesser-gendereds, who no longer need their uterus, are willing to sell me said procreating tool, I am willing to buy at a very competitive rate.

    Praying AT you all in advance. Amen.

  2. Masturbating is evil, I just use my girl friend, she is free after all and I get a free meal after implanting my holy water in her vag.

  3. so i was fucking this guy in the ass, and he turned around and tried to kiss me. It really took me out of it since im not gay, but anything to stop masturbating right? Pray for that faggot or you might catch the gay

  4. so i was listening to lana del rey, and this guy was giving me head. But Florida Kilos started playing, so i started to make lines of coke, so i can snort in with the guy who was giving me head. But instead i fucked him in the ass while i snorted lines of his back. But my mom put meth in my coke, and i got really mad because i told her when she buys my coke not to put meth in it because i’m on a diet. But after the guy cummed in all my coke. Is it still okay to snort it?

    • Not a good idea. Rub it into your gums, or just place that sticky mess into a Catholic church. I hear they have nice water bowls at the entrances for people who are thirsty or have dry skin.

  5. Selling special masturbation bleach for a discounted price only for this website because we are in it together. Masturbate with vinegar and rid yourself of this evil sinful habit for a couple of months. Type “soremushroom” for a 5% discount.

  6. help me lord, i’ve gotten myself stuck in the “vipergina” rubber toy…when you try to pull out the hooked teeth pull you back in…it sucks!…but thats just a premium option

  7. Islam, Judaism , Budism,etc jerk off is ok (not sin)
    Damn Christianity masturbation is evil? Fuck dat shit. I’m gonna maturbate on my waifu you fucking moron piece of shit

  8. Sometimes I masturbate with a soggy pickle and then eat it. I will also like to put up my add for I am selling my penis, for I have no use for it. It is six inches long and black. Also my boyfriend cameran often licks my poop hole and bites off the crust.

    Pray for me, I need to stop my habits. God bless you all.

  9. Self rape implies that it is not consensual. How is that possible when the masturbator commits all acts thier self

  10. please help my damaged soul I am a young girl and once I /masturbated/ and clearly God found out because the next day there was blood gushing from my special area please help me i am only 12 please help and also one time I got offered the marijuana and I thought about it for 10 seconds I am so sorry please forgive me

    • Don’t even bother with this website young lady. What you’re experiencing is normal. The owners of this website are just posers and masturbation is not in any way a bad thing. If anything its a good thing.

  11. So yeah, I’m a sex addict from Texas and I can’t help but to keep fucking men and women then still feel the need to Masturbate soon after. Also I love popping my happy pills that end up making me trip and see all kinds of strange shit coming out of my walls that I jerk off to. Think you can help me? Or am I lost and should I just keep jerking off on the Japanese babes face?”

  12. This is the dumbest site in the world. Fuck all of you, fuck stupid jesus, fuck all your gods, fuck religion

  13. The holy Writings of the Church of Ponginae

    We are very proud to announce the inception and establishment of the Holy Church of Ponginae. We have established this church in response to the overwhelming interest in theological belief in the United States of America.

    Our intent is to offer an alternative religion to the established dominance of current theologies. The Holy Church of Ponginae’s sole intent is to discredit and openly ridicule ALL existing theological beliefs and religious institutions…including the Holy Church of Ponginae. Parishioners and practitioners of the Holy Church of Ponginae are strongly encouraged to actively deride and discredit any and all religious evangelistic efforts.

    The Holy Church of Ponginae was conceived of on April 1st, 2014 in a small house in the mountains, west of Conifer, Colorado. It began after an afternoon of heavy consumption of Alcoholic beverages, food and cannabis. An epiphany was realized by its founders while evaluating numerous documentaries and videos on religion, atheism and agnosticism. It was decided that evening, people needed an alternative to established religions, and a methodology and opportunity to openly parody and mock them.

    For the next two weeks, the council of Gigantopithicus convened daily to establish the foundation of the Holy Church of Ponginae, whilst imbibing mass quantities of alcohol, food and cannabis. Through the intoxicated debates of the council, many issues and disagreements were resolved, and a consensus was finally reached on its core beliefs, canonical texts, dogma and rituals.

    The following is an explanation of the Holy Church of Ponginae, and its respective rituals, beliefs, canonical texts, scriptures, dogmas, and deities.
    1
    The primary deity of the Holy Church of Ponginae is Pongo the Gigantic. Pongo the Gigantic is described as an immortal being, who has chosen the form of an eleven foot tall, male, completely hairless Sumatran Orangutan. He is an ethereal being by nature and possesses omnipotence and infinite supernatural powers, and has been in existence before the beginning of time, space and the universe.

    Pongo the Gigantic is the deity responsible for our known universe, having farted it into existence…otherwise known as the “Big Bang”. As referenced in one of the Canonical documents of the Holy Church of Ponginae, Douglas Adams’s The Restaurant at the end of the universe.
    “In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.”

    Pongo the Gigantic does inhabit the earth in physical form, and currently resides in a neon pink double-wide prefabricated home (commonly referred to as a “mobile home” or “trailer”), and moves around the United States of America at random intervals. He currently resides in a small trailer park on the outskirts of Yazoo City, Mississippi, however is planning to move “somewhere else in the near future”.

    Further descriptions of Pongo the Gigantic include his ability to exhale superheated plasma and fire at will, consumes a diet of various fruits (especially cherimoyas), aborted Water Buffalo fetuses, hallucinogenic funguses, cacti and toads, gastropods, and various cephalopods. He regularly defecates Hostess Brand Ding Dongs and urinates the Swiss alcoholic spirit Absinthe.
    As an immortal being endowed with omnipotence and infinite supernatural abilities, there are far too many descriptions to be mentioned here. Therefore anything that defies scientific explanation is automatically ascribed to Pongo the Gigantic.

    Pongo the Gigantic has provided humanity with a list of rules which must be indiscriminately and fanatically adhered to, and indiscriminately inflicted upon others by all of his subjects. They are all tattooed on Pongo the Gigantic’s immense scrotum and buttocks, they are as follows;

    Rule 1: I am the creator of all…I am your god…all gods are complete bullshit and false prophets!

    Rule 2: All must make crudely constructed images of me, worshipped upon and adorned with offerings of condiments, bizarre fruits, and anything else that is going bad in the refrigerator.

    Rule 3: Observe the holy Sabbath of Thursday afternoon, from 2:27 p.m. to 4:52 p.m. without fail, by continuing what you’re already doing at the time.

    Rule 4: Curse my name whenever possible, especially when agitated, injured, offended or it just seems like the right thing to say in the moment.

    Rule 5: Do not kill…unless you have a REALLY, REALLY, REALLY good reason, and if you must kill…do so in my name and insist I spoke directly to you, and commanded you to do so.

    Rule 6: Engage in sexual intercourse with anyone or anything willing, as frequently as possible…if unable to do so, repeated daily masturbation is mandatory.

    Rule 7: Do not steal…except from the obscenely wealthy, any multi-national corporation, politicians, political groups, or other churches and religious institutions.

    Rule 8: Want everything…desire what you cannot have and obsess over it endlessly. Lust after people you cannot have and be envious of others that possess what you do not.

    Rule 9: Always be honest and faithful…unless it’s going to get you into trouble, then utilize falsehoods, denial and shamelessly blame others.

    Rule 10: All felines must be hairless…a shaven pussy is beautiful.

    Rule 11: Ridicule, parody, satirize and misrepresent any and all theologies, religions and creeds…including the Holy Church of Ponginae. Utilize vicious and ruthless tactics whenever and wherever possible, and never apologize for doing so.

    Rule 12: Consume anything and everything you wish…gluttony is good. Sugar, caffeine, meat, cephalopods, gastropods, insects, crustaceans, alcohol, hallucinogens and other mind-altering substances are sacred foods and are to be eaten regularly…or whenever desired.

    Rule 13: Lethargy and indolence is encouraged whenever possible.

    Rule 14: Rage and be wrathful against all those you believe to deserve spite and revenge.

    Rule 15: Be arrogant and vain…narcissism and conceit is essential for unjustifiable self-worth…the universe revolves around you, and you alone.

    Rule 16: Donation of money to the Holy Church of Ponginae is not necessary or required, but encouraged…any money donated will be used for whatever is needed or wanted, and there shall be no accounting of church money whatsoever.

    Rule 17: Keep the kitchen and toilet as a holy place of worship, to perform acts of devotion, veneration, and religious study…for this is where all shit begins and ends.
    Time spent defecating is considered penance for transgressions against Pongo the Gigantic.

    Rule 18: Practitioners are required to evangelize the teachings of the Holy Church of Ponginae at every opportunity, by going to crowded public places and uttering obscenities at other religious evangelists or random individuals, do so as loudly and obnoxiously as possible, accompanied by inappropriate and offensive gestures.

    Rule 19: All rules of the Church of Ponginae are strictly voluntary and completely unenforceable…especially when inconvenient, inappropriate or burdensome.

    Failure to adhere to these rules will result in terrible punishment. Any who willfully break these rules will be force-fed hallucinogens, sent to the nearest economically depressed, violent crime riddled city or state, and flagellated with ridiculously named vegetation, by equally bizarrely titled, naked fictional entities coated in the condiment of choice. The punishment will continue for all of eternity…or until the condemned gets tired of it and is no longer amused…or falls asleep.

    The canonic documents of the Holy Church of Ponginae…

    The complete works of Douglas Adams

    The complete works of Hunter S. Thompson

    The complete works of John Steinbeck

    The complete works of Ayn Rand

    The complete works of William S. Burroughs

    The complete works of Samuel L. Clemens (a.k.a. Mark Twain)

    James Joyce -Finnegan’s Wake

    David Rees -How to Sharpen Pencils

    Luigi Serafini – Codex Seraphinianus

    May Cushman Rice – Electricity in Gynecology
    Gary Greenberg – The Pop-Up Book of Phobias

    Alison Jenkins – The Lost Art of Towel Origami

    Chad Orzel – How to Teach Physics to Your Dog

    Carlton Mellick III – The Baby Jesus Butt Plug

    Lawrence Wright – Clean and Decent: The Fascinating History of the Bathroom and Water-Closet

    This is just a preliminary and incomplete list of the canonical documents of the Holy Church of Ponginae. More texts will be added on future dates and as they are discovered.

  14. OOO….You gotta help me, I masturbated yesterday, and I went to confession, and said my ten hail mary’s and then an extra 10,000 hail marys to make extra extra sure I was forgiven. Please teach me to stop the sinning! Because of course the priests, only about half of whom are pedophiles, say that its wrong and I’m going to burn in hell.

  15. I’m a guy masturbating is good for you. Why r women look at as lesser people here. Plus why can’t women masturbate according to Ur nonsense there not ” killing unborn child” I must go to jail because I rape my self 1 to 3 times a day. And how is it killing unborn babies I’m just releasing bodily fluids which I’d rather release in a vagina on birth control but I can’t everyday don’t have the time for a girlfriend but I can’t afford my hooker everyday

  16. Lol what is this. Giving Christians a bad name. To all the people who are saying “wtf”, I am a Christian and am right with you. Wtf. First of all, masturbation isnt a sin, lust is. Your whole site is based off of a psuedo sin you made up. Nice job. Anyway, all you have created is one joke site that deters people away from the faith and gives it a bad name like Islamic extremists give Islam a bad name. What the hell….an “anti masturbation cross”?! Lol is that even legal? I also love the news stories on the side of the page. “Fire cuased by masturbation in CA”……………….? The only thing that needs to be prayed for are the admins of this site, as well as the parents who employs “anti wanking blankets” and “anti masturbation crosses” to keep their children from their own bodies. And “self-rape” is the dumbest and most misleading term I have ever seen in my life. Rape implies that the act is non consensual, and im pretty sure masturbation is always consensual unless someones pointing a gun at you telling you to whack it. I dont think thats the case. Done with my rant, may Jesus help you find your true path, cus this is some grade a bullshit. Makes good entertainment though.

    • Honestly, if you thought rationally and logically, which is hard to say because 100% of all Christians don’t, youd realize your little man in the sky is going to protect you? Jump off a cliff and call for god and see if he helps you, that’s the real test

  17. I’m so sorry.

    Once a few decades ago I touched my sin zone. I don’t know what to do. I tapped it, and this creamy substance came out of my sin zone. It looked somewhat tasty so I put it on my toast. Ever since then I’ve been afraid to urinate. It’s just too scary. Reverend, please help me. I’m in need of forgiveness. – Billy DeWanka

  18. I am one of the small few on here who know this is satire. I’m laughing so hard that I’m crying right now. Which is turning me on, and I’ve decided to use my tears as lube. I kinda think it would be hot to see Lonnie and JR Bob Dobbs get it on as the homogays do. I pray that one day my homogay fantasies will dissipate. Until then, I’ll jerk the bean to orange is the new black. That nun character is kinda hot in a gilf sort of way.

  19. I want to have a circle jerk with JR Bob Dobbs, Carlos Danger, Lonnie Childs, dexter battygardensiii and any other self rapers that I can find. Oh and maybe we could put a nativity scene in the middle so we can all jizz onto the manger!

  20. Hey how do I buy an hours worth of layovers from cathy… bitch looks like a demon in the sack…. also I will pay extra for anal and oral sex with Cathy. I get the impression she likes a bit of SnM Wouldnt m8nd some nude pics either to beat off to when I am at work.

  21. Please, everyone. Stop being butthurt about a radical website, and for the creators of this website, I will express an opinion politely if you allow me; the reason people are angry is because as I have been exploring this website many things I’ve seen both with and against this website are rude, radical, and just plain wrong. The problem is that Athiests are ignorant and take this website as a bad example, I am not blaming the website but I believe that BOTH the haters AND this website are both at extreme and radical wrongs.

    Thank you for letting me express my opinion.

  22. I am selling my self-rape items such as vibrators, hole-punchers, staple removers, nipple rings, and my all-time favorite: my couch. Don’t ask how I use these things, if you need to ask, then you shouldn’t buy them. Just know they are heavily used and show lots of wear and tear. I am putting them all in one package for the low, low price of $48.72. I ship UPS only.

  23. Dear Rev I just want to say that I enjoy a good toss every now and then I enjoy to wank myself when I’m in the shower , I Rub my balls in the shower screen I think going to the toilet and spread that white delicious cream all over the couch when I’m bored I go outside bush and jerk off while looking at the
    Neighbours God he was hot.. I enjoy to 120 times a day I doing the sofa I do it on the floor I hang from the chandelier and squirt cum all across the room whenever I get Randy it’s wrecked and I can’t help myself so I horny I came 20 times today am still erect so I want to come again. I like to stick my cock in my bum I bended over a stick in my asshole and shove it in and out until I come in my whole my dick is like a double ended dildo I can sit on it I can play with it I can stick it in an out like a pogo stick-when I shouldn’t of it and I fap and when I do the top of the shit I Again please Rev help me I’m sick man, so many dildos are my mums rolling pin shove it up my arse so hard that I get rid stuff coming up and I suck time it’s fun to do this this is why masturbating is not a sin because you cum all over the place you can even use it rape yourself.. Gaymen

  24. My boy kassra tugs his meat sword 14 times a day and I can’t stop him no matter how much I pray. He figured out how to jerk off through his chastity cage and now he won’t leave his room and there’s semen spewing out from under his door. Please pray for him.

  25. I’ve scoured the internet and I just can’t seem to find any nude pix of cathy REDMOUND! I don’t know how much longer I can stay in this world. And 1 question is she a real ginger? Does the carpet match the curtains?

  26. I don’t know if this site was started as a real thing, although I doubt it, but any of the morons who have commented, and think this is serious, should have their hands glued to their naughty bits!! What a bunch of idiots! Jerk on my friends….or off? Either way, rub one out!!

  27. I came here to have a good time but I feel so attacked right now.

    You should listen to the song Smut – Tom Lehrer.

    Small advice. Don’t get your buttocks onto Tumblr if you’re afraid of touching yourself. Just a fair warning, for the weak hearts.

  28. Satan is inside me and i cant stop masturabating, im slowly becoming gay please dear god someone help me. i think im going to die from all the marijuanos ive taken

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