We are very proud to announce the inception and establishment of the Holy Church of Ponginae. We have established this church in response to the overwhelming interest in theological belief in the United States of America.
Our intent is to offer an alternative religion to the established dominance of current theologies. The Holy Church of Ponginae’s sole intent is to discredit and openly ridicule ALL existing theological beliefs and religious institutions…including the Holy Church of Ponginae. Parishioners and practitioners of the Holy Church of Ponginae are strongly encouraged to actively deride and discredit any and all religious evangelistic efforts.
The Holy Church of Ponginae was conceived of on April 1st, 2014 in a small house in the mountains, west of Conifer, Colorado. It began after an afternoon of heavy consumption of Alcoholic beverages, food and cannabis. An epiphany was realized by its founders while evaluating numerous documentaries and videos on religion, atheism and agnosticism. It was decided that evening, people needed an alternative to established religions, and a methodology and opportunity to openly parody and mock them.
For the next two weeks, the council of Gigantopithicus convened daily to establish the foundation of the Holy Church of Ponginae, whilst imbibing mass quantities of alcohol, food and cannabis. Through the intoxicated debates of the council, many issues and disagreements were resolved, and a consensus was finally reached on its core beliefs, canonical texts, dogma and rituals.
The following is an explanation of the Holy Church of Ponginae, and its respective rituals, beliefs, canonical texts, scriptures, dogmas, and deities.
The primary deity of the Holy Church of Ponginae is Pongo the Gigantic. Pongo the Gigantic is described as an immortal being, who has chosen the form of an eleven foot tall, male, completely hairless Sumatran Orangutan. He is an ethereal being by nature and possesses omnipotence and infinite supernatural powers, and has been in existence before the beginning of time, space and the universe.
Pongo the Gigantic is the deity responsible for our known universe, having farted it into existence…otherwise known as the “Big Bang”. As referenced in one of the Canonical documents of the Holy Church of Ponginae, Douglas Adams’s The Restaurant at the end of the universe.
“In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.”
Pongo the Gigantic does inhabit the earth in physical form, and currently resides in a neon pink double-wide prefabricated home (commonly referred to as a “mobile home” or “trailer”), and moves around the United States of America at random intervals. He currently resides in a small trailer park on the outskirts of Yazoo City, Mississippi, however is planning to move “somewhere else in the near future”.
Further descriptions of Pongo the Gigantic include his ability to exhale superheated plasma and fire at will, consumes a diet of various fruits (especially cherimoyas), aborted Water Buffalo fetuses, hallucinogenic funguses, cacti and toads, gastropods, and various cephalopods. He regularly defecates Hostess Brand Ding Dongs and urinates the Swiss alcoholic spirit Absinthe.
As an immortal being endowed with omnipotence and infinite supernatural abilities, there are far too many descriptions to be mentioned here. Therefore anything that defies scientific explanation is automatically ascribed to Pongo the Gigantic.
Pongo the Gigantic has provided humanity with a list of rules which must be indiscriminately and fanatically adhered to, and indiscriminately inflicted upon others by all of his subjects. They are all tattooed on Pongo the Gigantic’s immense scrotum and buttocks, they are as follows;
Rule 1: I am the creator of all…I am your god…all gods are complete bullshit and false prophets!
Rule 2: All must make crudely constructed images of me, worshipped upon and adorned with offerings of condiments, bizarre fruits, and anything else that is going bad in the refrigerator.
Rule 3: Observe the holy Sabbath of Thursday afternoon, from 2:27 p.m. to 4:52 p.m. without fail, by continuing what you’re already doing at the time.
Rule 4: Curse my name whenever possible, especially when agitated, injured, offended or it just seems like the right thing to say in the moment.
Rule 5: Do not kill…unless you have a REALLY, REALLY, REALLY good reason, and if you must kill…do so in my name and insist I spoke directly to you, and commanded you to do so.
Rule 6: Engage in sexual intercourse with anyone or anything willing, as frequently as possible…if unable to do so, repeated daily masturbation is mandatory.
Rule 7: Do not steal…except from the obscenely wealthy, any multi-national corporation, politicians, political groups, or other churches and religious institutions.
Rule 8: Want everything…desire what you cannot have and obsess over it endlessly. Lust after people you cannot have and be envious of others that possess what you do not.
Rule 9: Always be honest and faithful…unless it’s going to get you into trouble, then utilize falsehoods, denial and shamelessly blame others.
Rule 10: All felines must be hairless…a shaven pussy is beautiful.
Rule 11: Ridicule, parody, satirize and misrepresent any and all theologies, religions and creeds…including the Holy Church of Ponginae. Utilize vicious and ruthless tactics whenever and wherever possible, and never apologize for doing so.
Rule 12: Consume anything and everything you wish…gluttony is good. Sugar, caffeine, meat, cephalopods, gastropods, insects, crustaceans, alcohol, hallucinogens and other mind-altering substances are sacred foods and are to be eaten regularly…or whenever desired.
Rule 13: Lethargy and indolence is encouraged whenever possible.
Rule 14: Rage and be wrathful against all those you believe to deserve spite and revenge.
Rule 15: Be arrogant and vain…narcissism and conceit is essential for unjustifiable self-worth…the universe revolves around you, and you alone.
Rule 16: Donation of money to the Holy Church of Ponginae is not necessary or required, but encouraged…any money donated will be used for whatever is needed or wanted, and there shall be no accounting of church money whatsoever.
Rule 17: Keep the kitchen and toilet as a holy place of worship, to perform acts of devotion, veneration, and religious study…for this is where all shit begins and ends.
Time spent defecating is considered penance for transgressions against Pongo the Gigantic.
Rule 18: Practitioners are required to evangelize the teachings of the Holy Church of Ponginae at every opportunity, by going to crowded public places and uttering obscenities at other religious evangelists or random individuals, do so as loudly and obnoxiously as possible, accompanied by inappropriate and offensive gestures.
Rule 19: All rules of the Church of Ponginae are strictly voluntary and completely unenforceable…especially when inconvenient, inappropriate or burdensome.
Failure to adhere to these rules will result in terrible punishment. Any who willfully break these rules will be force-fed hallucinogens, sent to the nearest economically depressed, violent crime riddled city or state, and flagellated with ridiculously named vegetation, by equally bizarrely titled, naked fictional entities coated in the condiment of choice. The punishment will continue for all of eternity…or until the condemned gets tired of it and is no longer amused…or falls asleep.
The canonic documents of the Holy Church of Ponginae…
The complete works of Douglas Adams
The complete works of Hunter S. Thompson
The complete works of John Steinbeck
The complete works of Ayn Rand
The complete works of William S. Burroughs
The complete works of Samuel L. Clemens (a.k.a. Mark Twain)
James Joyce -Finnegan’s Wake
David Rees -How to Sharpen Pencils
Luigi Serafini - Codex Seraphinianus
May Cushman Rice - Electricity in Gynecology
Gary Greenberg - The Pop-Up Book of Phobias
Alison Jenkins - The Lost Art of Towel Origami
Chad Orzel - How to Teach Physics to Your Dog
Carlton Mellick III - The Baby Jesus Butt Plug
Lawrence Wright - Clean and Decent: The Fascinating History of the Bathroom and Water-Closet
This is just a preliminary and incomplete list of the canonical documents of the Holy Church of Ponginae. More texts will be added on future dates and as they are discovered.
I am a bit confused, if you could clarify the message you just left...
Are you wishing for the author of the church of ponginae to die in a fire or some christian-religious human beeing to do so?
Do you think religious people should not be allowed to breed and mentally abuse their children, or vise versa?
Hope you can enlight me!
Maybe I can help, advocates for this website are clearly a little slow. When someone says that another should die for forcefully strapping their child to mental institution-type device, they do mean advocates for this website.....not religious individuals. Hope this "enlightened" you! And please, don't hesitate to open a science book; it can help you with your other concerns such as sexual health, which will tell you is necessary to avoid little issues such as, oh, raping those young children you are so desperate to "save".
I'm a 16 year old male, who masturbates on a regular basis. Sometimes up to three times a day. I'm not dead, nor have I been struck by lightning. All of this fucking religious propaganda BS about masturbation being evil pisses me off. Seriously, this is actually the most idiotic, imbecilic thing I've heard in my lifetime.
There is no scientific -- oh dear shrek, please don't tell me that science is a sin -- evidence that masturbation is in any way harmful. It's proven to relieve stress, promote relaxation, improve prostate health in men, and also even help one fall asleep.
To anybody who is a serious follower of this organisation, I wish you nothing but the worst. If you're that stupid, stupid enough to blindly follow conspiracy without 'hard' (oh look, I made a sexual pun) evidence, there's no reason that you should alive contributing to society's descent to complete and utter doom.
Now, please excuse me, I'm going to go have a bat. OH NO! WAIT, I CAN'T. I'D BE SELF-RAPING MYSELF LOL.
Dear Ben, You need to turn yourself into the Department of Homeland security immediately, you are the worst kind of self-rapist, you're a HomoGay Pedophile Self-Rapist, anyone who rubs the genitals of a minor is a very sick and twisted individual who needs to be locked safely away from the rest of us Normal members of society. I'm praying AT you.
You are a reverend?! There is something very wrong with you to be spewing such hate....I thought only god can judge....I'm not even religious and I will pray that you get some anger management counseling from someone with an opposing faith to teach you good morals because apparently you have none.
Dude you are really fucking dumb. Maybe you should try re-reading some of these comments again and you might see the sarcasm. This whole website is a joke! Leroys post was hilarious. You must be a total moron to miss the humor and actually get angry. Cheers to the creators of this site it gave me a good laugh. Ben you are also a moron with your panties in a bunch. Too busy being offended to actually use your brain...people like you ruin the fun for everyone else. The internet is clearly no place for you. GTFO
Seriously, Amanda? You really are an idiot. If this website was a joke then you couldn't buy that torturous device for children but sadly you can. And if it WAS a joke then it's a pretty dangerous one as many people would take it seriously and actually use it. Maybe you should "GTFO" because apparently you are unable to spot sarcasm and are inadvertently advocating child abuse. It was actually fun and games for all of us on here until your lame ass started trolling on people fucking with these extremists. Fucking Moron.
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I know right?! I'm dying laughing at the people calling the writers "fucking retarded" and "so stupid". Like - you guys really don't get it?
And then calling the writers hateful people using hateful comments.
The irony is killing me.
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Misspelled science dumbass, and rape is when it's not consensual, so masturbaution is not rape: This is a website to prove I'm right, so yeah
Keep on your toes around this masturbator everyone! He told us he has an IQ of 140, works at NASA making $150,000 a year and, if there's any doubt left, his internet handle is "A Smart Guy". He's really, really smart!
I sincerely hope this is fake but I'm certain it i and it is awesome however on the off chance this is an actual site then whoever made this site and anyone who believes all of this are complete idiots who need to die and burn in hell for all eeternity. We all know pongo is the one and only god.
I mean, COME OOOOON PPL... Please tell this site is fake. I'm a christian but this is site is just plain nonsense. It's the worst anti-something propaganda I've ever seen in my life. If this site is good at something, is making real christians look dumb! I've not decided if I feel amused or offended by this site.
i am a devout fallower
Rule 18: Practitioners are required to evangelize the teachings of the Holy Church of Ponginae at every opportunity, by going to crowded public places and uttering obscenities at other religious evangelists or random individuals, do so as loudly and obnoxiously as possible, accompanied by inappropriate and offensive gestures
so praise you (YES IM ON THE SHITER) great and giant Pongo
FUCK YOU FUCK YOU 你他妈的 你他妈的 σκατά σκατά לזיין אותך AND vas te faire encule
.praise be apon you great PONGO
This website is disgusting and sickening. Not only does it oppress a humans write to their own body, it promotes rape! I honestly feel so grossed out I am uncomfortable and seriously can't believe this kind of nonsense exists. If this is not a joke I hope every mind fucked, brainwashed, rapist who has a say in this website rots in a cell for the rest of their lives. Where in the bible does it say to rape your child? The most important thing I have learned from the bible is every individuals right to free-will and what you are doing is completely against that. I am praying that your children will escape your horrible messed up lifestyle and morals and get far, far away from you. How about you actually have a look into christianity and stop twisting it so you can try and start some kind of whack community where child molestation is promoted and basic human rights are not.
You seem angry, but trust me, once you let go of your self-raping ways, the message will be so clear! All your anger will turn to ash. It's hard to be happy when you're a serial self-rapist, trust me. I hate to admit it, but even I used to like you, a... masturbator.
They aren't angry people, they are disgusted that people would actually advocate to disband sexual health practices. There is a reason why priests rape young boys, sex is human nature...even when it's with yourself. Read a fucking science book...oh wait...a book written during the Bronze Age is more logical....
Let me be clear because I'm not sure these idiots know what maturation is, it is a stimulus of ones genitals, there is no rape involved. Secondly the serious people on this site are twisted fucks who twist religion for the reason of hate. No religion promotes hate.
Oh god help me with my sins. I'm addicted masturbation. I masturbate 2-6 times every day. I pay for pornhub premium, and try to get laid so often I can. Is something wrong with me? Do you need to beat me with a bible?.
The devil is tickling in my pants, I'm feeling weird.
how much sperm is being produced every second on this planet...any estimations out there? as I looked out over Paris I wondered how many couples were coming now...now having pondered a year I wonder howmuch the planet produces...
What if I just fantasized about a disembodied hand that didn't really belong to anyone, and it was stroking away on my sin-bitten Love Shaft of Glory, but I wasn't even touching my stinky fuck trunk? Is that still a sin? Should I just lop off my offending piss stick? Should I mutilate my magnificent maypole?
Someone throw me a bone here.
HAHAHAHAHA. thanks for making me laugh because this whole website is such a JOKE!!! I cannot believe you would make up fake stories to try to stop MASTURBATION!?!? why would you want to and why would you care!? Its natural self stimulation. would you rather have your child go around having sex? masturbation is to NOT have that. i cannot stop laughing at this website hahahaha
Your website is difficult to navigate because it was probably made by people as uneducated as the ones writing these hilariously asinine articles, so I found the contact us before I found the comments. Sooo..... Attempt 2: I am realy curios about what part of the US the creaters of this site are from. My guess is its one of the lower populated, less culturally diverse areas of the northern central Us, because they are obviously sexist, racist, uneducated, homophobic, white,self proclaimed holly men. My first guess is Iowa! But I'm thinking it could be northern Minnesota, Wisconsin, Mississippi, Missouri, or Massachusetts (because that's where Salem is)...
not to say all people are like this in these states, but a majority are and if not, you should save up to move somewhere where people are more excepting 🙂
Yes, thank you for the laughs. My sin stick has been begging to be touched ever since I found this site and I have masturbated to the pictures quite a bit. I especially enjoy the pictures of lonnie childs! I'm getting wood right now just thinking about him! I wonder if he would stroke my sin stick for me so that I could avoid being a self rapist. Oh well, a guy can dare to dream...
Am I going to go hell? I had a wet dream about lonnie childs last night and the I touched my sin stick while I was still half asleep in bed thinking about. Pray for me, I can't stop playing with my sin stick whenever I think about lonnie childs. Maybe if he came and played with it for me I could escape eternal damnation.
Oh and carlos danger with that sexy eye patch makes my sin stick quiver as well. Just the thought of him and lonnie childs touching me at the same time makes me NEED to play with my sin stick immediately, pray for me. Carlos and Lonnie please stay out of my head so that I can stop raping myself every time I think about you!
I can't believe this website is real! I'm a spiritualist and I think masturbation is a good thing. Think about it (before you send hate at me), it helps headaches, helps people sleep better at night, it helps sexual frustration, and if you're a virgin (like me) first time having sex won't hurt as much. I believe Jesus and God won't HATE people for doing it, they are loving beings. I thought in the bible your not allowed to hate of other people. I never read the bible but I have some friends who are Christians. Anyway I hope you guys have a great day and thank you.
Dear Cathy Redmond,
Thanks for the Sex and thank you for swallowing my semem so it doesnt contaminate your bed sheets. I hope your box isnt to bruise and your coin purse isnt to sore.. also im sorry I left you tied up in that anti masturbation sex cross when I gapped it out of your prayer room this morning.... damn bitch you are a demon in the sack we need to do this again.
I was just wondering if you people know that if you put two dolphins of the same sex together in a tank that they will have sex with each other?! Yeah, they're a bisexual species! Males, females, whoever is in the tank with them. Great choice for a mascot morons! Also, I've been raped and I think that if they had been allowed to masturbate without being judged for it and were able to release their sexual frustrations out on themselves instead of people like me that maybe he wouldn't have done that to me. This is the worst waste of time and resources. They're people doing way worse stuff than masturbating going on! I'm praying that your stupidity is stopped!
Cant figure out whats funnier the religious who think its a great idea or the "sinners" who think its child abuse. I have started a similar religion its called the church of what feels good! Im not as organized or literary gifted as you guys but very similar concepts. Keep up the good work. Fucking pongo the gigantic.
I love wanking it makes me feel good i bet all your parents ane children wank aswell i love wanking over websites that hate wanking it sort of turns me on and makes me horny... I declare freedom for all the wankers out there!!!!!
Jizz is divine. The sauce of life. Rub one out, in the midst of night. Squirt some in your girlfriends ear, her eyes, or nose, and tell her thats just how it goes! Jerk it when your happy, even if your sad, just dont jerk it in front of your dad. Jerk it, before you jerk it, than jerk some more, why wouldn't you jerk it even when you score?
Oh lonnie, i can hardly wait for this week's circle jerk. Will you please stand next to me and we can stroke each other's sin stick, or maybe i can stand between you and jasper centaur, oh I'm getting erect just thinking about it. Friday night can't come soon enough for me (pun fully intended). Do you think that the rump ranger will be there with his sexy cowboy hat? I sure hope that the clean up and fluffer crew (truffle and cathy REDMOUND) bring their A game. See you soon sweetie!
WTF is self-rape? Don't you mean self-consensual? Religion reverses everything and poisons it. Do you know what people call it, its called TALKING OUT OF YOUR ARSE. Because that is what religion is, it doesn't require effort, understanding acquiring of knowledge via the use of a sophisticated and thorough and accurate method for making tests and analyzing against scientific theories to obtain facts (which you don't have any). All you need with religion is making stuff up. Most Christians are hypocrites when they tell me anything about their Bible especially when it comes to the 10 commandments and fail to realism to do the research that your religion is based off Canaanite polytheism from the late-neolithic period with a sprinkle of Satan derived from Zoroastrians (Also known as al-Satan who wasn't the serpent in Genesis it was Lilith - half women half lizard), adopted by Jews, and embellished by Christians.
I masturbated for 1 week and all my oats are dead I wish I knew
Well it doth seem that the Lord in his righteous fury decided to strike down my oats after I indulged in the process most sinful: MASTURBATION. After a week of me continuing to ignore the warnings of our Lord, and believe me the signs were quite clear indeed, as after only one day had passed of my doing of this vile deed I felt a sharp pain in my wrist. As I prayed for the Lord to deliver me from such evil in my head I still had the shameful urge to grab my sexual organ in my hand and stroke until I had satisfied the Devil. Soon I went to the fields and noticed my oats had all shriveled and died, there were only dry stalks left where grain used to be. I would also like to declare in my letter to thee good people at stopmasturbationnow that after I stopped masturbation and returned to having sex with my anime waifu, of whom I possess a pillow with her supple body plastered over it which is her way of interacting with me in our pitiful and inferior 3D world. 'Twas as if a miracle had happened and the Lord was indeed pleased with my deeds and repentance as my beautiful oats hath indeed returned to their healthy state, the golden glow of their grain reminding me of the beautiful hair of my waifu. As happiness filled my heart I felt safe, since now I do declare the Lord himself is back on my side. DEUS IN REGNIUM, AVE MARIA!!!