A day that was meant to be a glorious event full of love, the marriage of Myron Danus to Paula Austin, turned to tragedy today, but we at the Stop Masturbation Now compound are not people who let a death in our group stop us from helping to create new life and new bonds. Today, My Brother named Myron Danus was murdered in cold-blood by a Jew from Palastein. He had been fighting with this Jew for years, sometimes Myron would win, other times Myron would end up in jail for 30 days at a time. We reported this harassment of Myron to the authorities, but they turned a blind eye, because this Jew is very powerful and Myron was just a “Goyim”. Ultimately, the death of Myron has given us the ability to force the police to look into the threats that our group receives daily, because Myron’s death could have been stopped, and was foreseeable. R.I.P. Myron Danus. You will live at the right hand of God, Lonnie and Jesus (because left-handed people are evil and strange).
In the wake of Myron’s death, my father Dick Danus and myself decided that the wedding ceremony needed to happen in Myron’s honor, so we collected his last ex-girlfriend, before Paula Austin, and we decided to have a double wedding on his funeral day. I will be marrying Myron’s latest love interest, and my dad, Dick Danus, will marry Myron’s previous girlfriend named Ana Hollis. It would be what Myron would want.
The weddings were a great success, as both brides fell into the natural womanly roles almost immediately, mainly due to be sent to the Menstrual Hut for proper Golden Showers of Love from Lonnie, but also because the lesser-gendered know their place in life after marriage. Paula Austin spent a little time celebrating her celibacy though, which was unacceptable, and she is banned from my reproductive organs for a month.
My father, Dick Danus, married Myron’s ex-girlfriend also today, so we could make it a family day. Dick Danus and Ana Hollis were joined in Holy Matrimony today, and nobody can deny their love, even though they just met a week ago. It is like one of those romantic comedy movie films starring Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore.
I want to thank Senator August Weisz for the use of his home in beautiful Idaho. Thanks to everyone who attend this Memorial/Wedding also. I will name as many of you as I can remember, but I got pretty drunk on Mt. Dew and Jagermeister in honor of Myron, since it was his favorite mixed drink. I’ll try to post the photos from tonight soon also, but for now I will just tell you some of my favorite/worst moments from this amazing event.
Thanks to Salome Fernandez, Riley Lucas, Christina Grand, Georgie Baker, Allen Montgomery, Paul Horner, Nathan Fields, Nigel Covington, Matthew Perkins, Michael Tangerine Cole, Cathy Redmond, and many others who I can’t or won’t name (Like “The Smart Guy”). I hope to see many more of you at our events soon.
My favorite moments of this night, include Thomas Kelly, Matthew Perkins, and Roddy Black though. Three moments that will become historic. First, Thomas Kelly, who is a self-described wizard, shoved an entire 5 pound slice of prime rib in his anus (He used the Aus Jus sauce for lube). I would have been amazed at how he made it disappear, but he did it during my eulogy for Myron. Second, Matthew Perkins actaully spoke up during the “Speak now or forever hold your peace” crap, trying to get Paula Austin to NOT marry me. He failed, but I stil love him in Lonnie’s love and will find him a Same Race Appointed Spouse soon. Third, Our Youth Minister, Jacob Franklin drank too much of Lonnie’s blood at the bar, and decided that the only non-normal colored person at the wedding, Roddy Black, needed to move Jacob’s truck, then fetch Jacob’s pants from the tree that was 5 houses away. Roddy, being a White-washed tribal, actually did retrieve Jacob’s pants, but mostly due to the fact that Jacob refuses to wear underwear…ever.
More photos and stories from this night will be shared with our beloved followers soon, but we all need some time to enjoy this day, and mourn Myron. Please let us know in the comments how Myron Danus has touched you.