Animals / Death

Masturbating Teen Dies After Jellyfish Attack

A Florida man is dead after being swarmed by box jellyfish in the waters off of Apollo Beach over the weekend. Tampa Bay authorities have identified the man, Martin Robertson, 18, of South Tampa and have confirmed he was alone at the time of the attack. Initially it was unknown what caused the swarm of box jellyfish to attack Robertson, but further examination showed traces of semen on and around the area where Robertson’s body was pulled from the sea.

“It is most likely that Mr. Robertson was masturbating and unaware of the threat in the waters around him,” elaborated Jack Phillips, Chief Petty Officer of the Tampa U.S. Coast Guard Station. “Certain sea creatures, including some dangerous ones like the box jellyfish, are attracted to semen mixing with seawater. The old cliché is that ‘sharks are attracted to blood in the water’ but it is equally true that other bodily fluids can attract unwanted attention from sea life.”

The Medical Examiner is currently reviewing the case as even a swarm of jellyfish should not produce fatal stings to an adult human. “The type of jellyfish we get in Florida are not the really dangerous variety like those found in Australia,” added CPO Phillips. “We’re currently marking this fatality as suspicious until we get more information from the Medical Examiner. It is highly possible if Mr. Robertson’s masturbation habits caused him to be suffering from any number of masturbation created diseases. Most masturbation illnesses would have compromised his immunity to the jellyfish venom and ultimately could be the actual cause of death.”

One has to wonder if the increased jellyfish activity in Florida over the past few months is nature’s way of telling humanity to curb their sinful ways. The Lord sent the world Lonnie Childs to eradicate masturbation, that is proven faith fact. But He also has been known to send other Apostles to do His bidding. Perhaps these jellyfish are being steered by His Apostles to do battle with the deviant filth. Maybe they are doing His work on Earth, much like Lonnie does every day, in an attempt to purify humanity. We can only hope and pray.

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King loony Child ToucherDr. Cornelius FelcherCTLiam McKeyTruffle Recent comment authors
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Dark Mercenary
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Dark Mercenary

This is just Pseudo science. .. where is the evidence “beyond reason of a doubt” that masturbation killed this kid. I strongly doubt that this event ever took place. This is just a propaganda website. Adolf Hitler was a big fan of fear mongering propaganda- like this, but you clowns think its ok because you are doing the lords work… doesnt the bible teach against judgement?… because I have such a dislike for cults like this, you are no better than Islamic extremists. . I jacked off to the picture of your reporter… she looks like she could do with… Read more »

Lonnie Childs
Admin

He was masturbating in the sea and he expected nature to let him get away with it? I feel sorry for the family, but seriously, he had it coming.

topkek
Guest

“swarmed by box jellyfish”

haha no.

augustweisz
Admin

I hate the sea and everything in it.

Cassidy Pen
Member

Jellyfish ARE slimy and resemble ejactulated semen in water. It’s reasonable to believe that a masturbator’s salty seed would resemble another jellyfish.

Dark Mercenary
Guest
Dark Mercenary

Self Rape? I dont recall saying no to myself…. I cant understand how you people justify yourselves.. when ever something bad happens in the world someone must have been pulling themselves off or flicking the bean… not everything has to do with having a pull…. wankers… also seems ironic it was a “box” jellyfish.

Liam McKey
Guest

Consensual sex requires two or more people. Rape only requires the consent of one person, The Rapist. By masturbating, you are the only person consenting; hence, you are the rapist and you are raping yourself.

Dark Mercenary
Guest
Dark Mercenary

So what your saying I should buy roofies from your online shop to drug and rape myself?…. I would like sister cathy to rape me 😉

Dark Mercenary
Guest
Dark Mercenary

Never had that happen before? Baby ill blow your mind with other things you havent done before.

Cassidy Pen
Member

“Dark Mercenary” seems like an evil avatar name to post under in this forum. You should consider changing it when you next post in here, If not for your own redemption, please think of others and demonstrate some common decency.

Why don’t you think of yourself and who you’re trying to reach with your inane rhetoric? With a name like “Dark Mercenary,” you’ll never reach anyone around here.

Dark Mercenary
Guest
Dark Mercenary

Why would I want to reach or reason with a bunch of saddists any way…

Dark Mercenary
Guest
Dark Mercenary

Time and money is what I sacrifice Liam… never assume because it makes you look like a twat

fapfapfapfapfap
Guest
fapfapfapfapfap

My cock is throbbing uncontrollably right now…im basically leaking cum out of my ears…must…fap…

Dark Mercenary
Guest
Dark Mercenary

Im visiting their online shop to buy roofies to drug and rape myself… also they sell self rape tape turn that no no into mmm mmm

Truffle
Member

You two filthy savages will die from The Bad AIDS and wrist cancer. Satan is waiting for you with an Ebola buffet. Enjoy!

Dark Mercenary
Guest
Dark Mercenary

I’m sorry for being so rude to you, Truffle. Perhaps one of the enlightened Brothers could come explain this to me since I am very simple-minded.

Liam McKey
Guest

Unprotected Masturbation is the leading cause of STDs, and here is why:
Take the number of men and women that engage in unprotected masturbation and multiply that by the number of: door knobs, toilet flushing handles, crosswalk signal buttons, drinking fountains, handshakes, etc. and you have an STD pandemic on your hands (literally).
The only way to truly protect yourself is through self-abstinence.

This is how you get the bad AIDS from masturbating, you pervert.

Cassidy Pen
Member

OH NO, you mustn’t buy smn memorabilia and tell your heathen friends about this page. Please, whatever you do, stay off the cafe press page and stop contaminating the mission by purchasing things.

Dark Mercenary
Guest
Dark Mercenary

Begining to think this is some sort of scam…. But I will Buy nude Photos of Cathy…. Bitch likes the cock.

Dark Mercenary
Guest
Dark Mercenary

I direct this to Liam Mckey who disable me from replying guessing his faith is threatened by som3 of these responses… even if you didnt masturbate and touched all those things didnt wash your hands and ate something you run the rish of disease yes… but they are not STDs… STDs are exactly what they are they are Sexually transmitted from intercourse with more than one person involving the transfer of bodily fluids… by your response I am unsure you know the mechanics of any form of intercourse. … I think brother Lonnie has turkey slapped your face to many… Read more »

Liam McKey
Guest

I understand what sex is and I understand what masturbation is. Both are illegal, unless it is between two consenting adults, in private. Since you cannot have two people consent to a single person’s sex act, it is rape. That is why it is illegal to masturbate.

Dark Mercenary
Guest
Dark Mercenary

Under what law Mr Jizard

Dark Mercenary
Guest
Dark Mercenary

Oh Liam I have Found your Facebook Profile along with Cassidy Pens- nice moonshine still isnt it illegal looks like ill be tipping of ATF… and I also took the liberty of sreen shotting Cathy redmans profile pic to print off… so I can wrap it around my cock and beat it like it owes me money..
The force will be with you always

Liam McKey
Guest

Tip off the ATF all you want. Nothing will happen. Our prayers and “gifts” have purchased us a little leniency with those in-charge of enforcing such obsolete laws.

Dark Mercenary
Guest
Dark Mercenary

Granpappy pay off the gubberment? Obsolete laws? Thats pretty much what the bible is an obsolete rule book that not a single person with a shred of common sense give a shred of shit about… with that hat liam you look like Heath Ledger in brokeback mountain.

Dark Mercenary
Guest
Dark Mercenary

Long live the Confederacy eh Liam?

CT
Guest
CT

These comments are awesome! It’s like bear-baiting, but with the symbol-minded. I love how they can pray AGAINST something. Tell me, many animals ‘relieve the stress’ so to speak. Where in the commandments does it say not to?

Dark Mercenary
Guest
Dark Mercenary

Giving these cunts a hard time has mad me a better person

Dr. Cornelius Felcher
Member

And it’s mad you a better speller too, clearly.

Some people have no idea how stupid they sound.

King loony Child Toucher
Guest

Im gonna tongue punch your fart box

Dr. Cornelius Felcher
Member

CT, animals are often punished for their sins too. The King Lonald Version of the Holy Scriptures tells us in no uncertain terms that animals who do not repent of their masturbatory ways will suffer eternal conscious punishment in double hell. Have you not heard of Fappy the Anti-Masturbation Dolphin? Dolphins and other animals need to make a decision for or against Christ and Lonnie just the same as the rest of us.

Dr. Cornelius Felcher
Member

Masturbation gives you the bad jellyfish.