Masturbating Teen Dies After Jellyfish Attack

"Bodily fluids can attract unwanted attention from sea life." - Jack Phillips, CPO - USCG

(source: By BuzzWoof (Own work) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons)

A Florida man is dead after being swarmed by box jellyfish in the waters off of Apollo Beach over the weekend. Tampa Bay authorities have identified the man, Martin Robertson, 18, of South Tampa and have confirmed he was alone at the time of the attack. Initially it was unknown what caused the swarm of box jellyfish to attack Robertson, but further examination showed traces of semen on and around the area where Robertson’s body was pulled from the sea.

“It is most likely that Mr. Robertson was masturbating and unaware of the threat in the waters around him,” elaborated Jack Phillips, Chief Petty Officer of the Tampa U.S. Coast Guard Station. “Certain sea creatures, including some dangerous ones like the box jellyfish, are attracted to semen mixing with seawater. The old cliché is that ‘sharks are attracted to blood in the water’ but it is equally true that other bodily fluids can attract unwanted attention from sea life.”

The Medical Examiner is currently reviewing the case as even a swarm of jellyfish should not produce fatal stings to an adult human. “The type of jellyfish we get in Florida are not the really dangerous variety like those found in Australia,” added CPO Phillips. “We’re currently marking this fatality as suspicious until we get more information from the Medical Examiner. It is highly possible if Mr. Robertson’s masturbation habits caused him to be suffering from any number of masturbation created diseases. Most masturbation illnesses would have compromised his immunity to the jellyfish venom and ultimately could be the actual cause of death.”

One has to wonder if the increased jellyfish activity in Florida over the past few months is nature’s way of telling humanity to curb their sinful ways. The Lord sent the world Lonnie Childs to eradicate masturbation, that is proven faith fact. But He also has been known to send other Apostles to do His bidding. Perhaps these jellyfish are being steered by His Apostles to do battle with the deviant filth. Maybe they are doing His work on Earth, much like Lonnie does every day, in an attempt to purify humanity. We can only hope and pray.

About Cathy Redmond 104 Articles

Cathy Redmond is a graduate of University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire, earning degrees in English and Political Science. She likes long walks in the desert, strong Conservative leadership and America.

49 Comments on Masturbating Teen Dies After Jellyfish Attack

  1. This is just Pseudo science. .. where is the evidence “beyond reason of a doubt” that masturbation killed this kid. I strongly doubt that this event ever took place. This is just a propaganda website. Adolf Hitler was a big fan of fear mongering propaganda- like this, but you clowns think its ok because you are doing the lords work… doesnt the bible teach against judgement?… because I have such a dislike for cults like this, you are no better than Islamic extremists. . I jacked off to the picture of your reporter… she looks like she could do with a bit of cock and I tell you what it felt good.. if I am not aloud to pull myself off can she do it for me?

    • Ha. Ha. Yes. Read the article that I linked to talking about the massive swarm of jellyfish taking over Florida right now.

      Headline from that Washington Post story since I doubt you’ll bother… “Jellyfish swarm takes over Florida beaches”

  2. Self Rape? I dont recall saying no to myself…. I cant understand how you people justify yourselves.. when ever something bad happens in the world someone must have been pulling themselves off or flicking the bean… not everything has to do with having a pull…. wankers… also seems ironic it was a “box” jellyfish.

    • Consensual sex requires two or more people. Rape only requires the consent of one person, The Rapist. By masturbating, you are the only person consenting; hence, you are the rapist and you are raping yourself.

      • So what your saying I should buy roofies from your online shop to drug and rape myself?…. I would like sister cathy to rape me 😉

  3. “Dark Mercenary” seems like an evil avatar name to post under in this forum. You should consider changing it when you next post in here, If not for your own redemption, please think of others and demonstrate some common decency.

    Why don’t you think of yourself and who you’re trying to reach with your inane rhetoric? With a name like “Dark Mercenary,” you’ll never reach anyone around here.

    • “Dark” is kind of a racial term. Perhaps the first part of the avatar name should be “Non-normal” at the very least. Maybe… “Non-normal Adventurer” or something along those lines would be a step in the right direction.

      Praise.

      • Nah to be honest it just suited my mood looking at this pathetic page. I work hard, I pay my taxes I sacrifice alot so others can have a chance in this world. Im a good person and I like to masturbate, and I very much enjoy it as much as I enjoy casual sex. I treat others with respect (except you people, because you are all deluded and spread fear and hate) I masturbate and proudly what I do- what anybody does in their private times is none of your damn buisness. Your Propaganda steers many away from god and the teachings of the bible. You are lunatic radicals.. no better than the KKK or the Nazi Party… your conservative ways suggest to me 1 thing that you are all unhappy with your dull boring uneventful ways too busy condeming people to hell over something as trivial as jacking off..I suppose with so much negative thinking id be unhappy too…. my suggest ion to you people is go to your local hardware store buy a bay of cement eat it harden the fuck up! Or have a pull or flick the bean… or both what ever floats your boat… who knows you may find a glimer of happiness in your short meaningless lives…. and im still beating of to that profile pic.. I have a thing for red heads.

    • Im visiting their online shop to buy roofies to drug and rape myself… also they sell self rape tape turn that no no into mmm mmm

        • I’m sorry for being so rude to you, Truffle. Perhaps one of the enlightened Brothers could come explain this to me since I am very simple-minded.

          • Unprotected Masturbation is the leading cause of STDs, and here is why:
            Take the number of men and women that engage in unprotected masturbation and multiply that by the number of: door knobs, toilet flushing handles, crosswalk signal buttons, drinking fountains, handshakes, etc. and you have an STD pandemic on your hands (literally).
            The only way to truly protect yourself is through self-abstinence.

            This is how you get the bad AIDS from masturbating, you pervert.

      • OH NO, you mustn’t buy smn memorabilia and tell your heathen friends about this page. Please, whatever you do, stay off the cafe press page and stop contaminating the mission by purchasing things.

  4. I direct this to Liam Mckey who disable me from replying guessing his faith is threatened by som3 of these responses… even if you didnt masturbate and touched all those things didnt wash your hands and ate something you run the rish of disease yes… but they are not STDs… STDs are exactly what they are they are Sexually transmitted from intercourse with more than one person involving the transfer of bodily fluids… by your response I am unsure you know the mechanics of any form of intercourse. … I think brother Lonnie has turkey slapped your face to many times resulting in a long term brain deficit.
    May the force be with you.

  5. Oh Liam I have Found your Facebook Profile along with Cassidy Pens- nice moonshine still isnt it illegal looks like ill be tipping of ATF… and I also took the liberty of sreen shotting Cathy redmans profile pic to print off… so I can wrap it around my cock and beat it like it owes me money..
    The force will be with you always

  6. Granpappy pay off the gubberment? Obsolete laws? Thats pretty much what the bible is an obsolete rule book that not a single person with a shred of common sense give a shred of shit about… with that hat liam you look like Heath Ledger in brokeback mountain.

  7. These comments are awesome! It’s like bear-baiting, but with the symbol-minded. I love how they can pray AGAINST something. Tell me, many animals ‘relieve the stress’ so to speak. Where in the commandments does it say not to?

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