A Word To the Masturbators

An editorial by our respected Dean and Elder Prof. Bro. Rev. Dr. Thomas Kelly, in regards to self-rape.

Prof. Bro. Rev. Dr Thomas is the preeminent authority on most things. You should listen to him.
Prof. Bro. Rev. Dr Thomas Kelly is the preeminent authority on most things. You should listen to him.

Hello fellow Chosen Normals, I, Professor Doctor Brother Dean Thomas Kelly, Necromancer of the twenty-fifth level, would just like to say a quick word about violating your sin-center for the foolish, evil, and disgusting purpose of sexual self-gratification:

Don’t.

Praise, and may God bless those that matter.

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Thomas Kelly
About Thomas Kelly 62 Articles
Thomas Kelly, SMN Faithscience Editor, is the Dean of several B.L.U.F.F's, as well as the preeminent authority on Faithscience. In addition these lofty titles, he is also a powerful wizard, and holds over fifty non-secular PHDs.

18 Comments on A Word To the Masturbators

  1. Oh Lord give me the Power to Wank all day Long!!! Because it is healthy and normal!!!

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  2. So you're trying to tell me that masturbation is wrong, but summoning the dead to do you bidding is okay? I really, really, really hope this site is fake, because there's no way someone can be THIS stupid.

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    • We would appreciate if you used a less offensive name than "sausage." There are young children and weak-minded individuals surfing this holy page. Your disgusting name could send one of them over the masturbation edge and then we'll have still more sin and stained sheets and underwear.

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  3. Sgt Sausage, did not GOD summon his dead son JESUS to do HIS BIDDING?

    Praying you read up on your Faithfacts before you spout hatred and ignorance!!!

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  4. Well since i cant masturbate i guess ill go spill my seed in the belly of a whore cause that is exceptable right. Then ill go do all the other literal things the bible and see how evil it all seems lol

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  5. I like to jerk it jerk it, I like to jerk it jerk it, I like to jerk it jerk it, I like to, JERK IT!

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  6. The holy Writings of the Church of Ponginae

    We are very proud to announce the inception and establishment of the Holy Church of Ponginae. We have established this church in response to the overwhelming interest in theological belief in the United States of America.

    Our intent is to offer an alternative religion to the established dominance of current theologies. The Holy Church of Ponginae’s sole intent is to discredit and openly ridicule ALL existing theological beliefs and religious institutions…including the Holy Church of Ponginae. Parishioners and practitioners of the Holy Church of Ponginae are strongly encouraged to actively deride and discredit any and all religious evangelistic efforts.

    The Holy Church of Ponginae was conceived of on April 1st, 2014 in a small house in the mountains, west of Conifer, Colorado. It began after an afternoon of heavy consumption of Alcoholic beverages, food and cannabis. An epiphany was realized by its founders while evaluating numerous documentaries and videos on religion, atheism and agnosticism. It was decided that evening, people needed an alternative to established religions, and a methodology and opportunity to openly parody and mock them.

    For the next two weeks, the council of Gigantopithicus convened daily to establish the foundation of the Holy Church of Ponginae, whilst imbibing mass quantities of alcohol, food and cannabis. Through the intoxicated debates of the council, many issues and disagreements were resolved, and a consensus was finally reached on its core beliefs, canonical texts, dogma and rituals.

    The following is an explanation of the Holy Church of Ponginae, and its respective rituals, beliefs, canonical texts, scriptures, dogmas, and deities.
    1
    The primary deity of the Holy Church of Ponginae is Pongo the Gigantic. Pongo the Gigantic is described as an immortal being, who has chosen the form of an eleven foot tall, male, completely hairless Sumatran Orangutan. He is an ethereal being by nature and possesses omnipotence and infinite supernatural powers, and has been in existence before the beginning of time, space and the universe.

    Pongo the Gigantic is the deity responsible for our known universe, having farted it into existence…otherwise known as the “Big Bang”. As referenced in one of the Canonical documents of the Holy Church of Ponginae, Douglas Adams’s The Restaurant at the end of the universe.
    “In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.”

    Pongo the Gigantic does inhabit the earth in physical form, and currently resides in a neon pink double-wide prefabricated home (commonly referred to as a “mobile home” or “trailer”), and moves around the United States of America at random intervals. He currently resides in a small trailer park on the outskirts of Yazoo City, Mississippi, however is planning to move “somewhere else in the near future”.

    Further descriptions of Pongo the Gigantic include his ability to exhale superheated plasma and fire at will, consumes a diet of various fruits (especially cherimoyas), aborted Water Buffalo fetuses, hallucinogenic funguses, cacti and toads, gastropods, and various cephalopods. He regularly defecates Hostess Brand Ding Dongs and urinates the Swiss alcoholic spirit Absinthe.
    As an immortal being endowed with omnipotence and infinite supernatural abilities, there are far too many descriptions to be mentioned here. Therefore anything that defies scientific explanation is automatically ascribed to Pongo the Gigantic.

    Pongo the Gigantic has provided humanity with a list of rules which must be indiscriminately and fanatically adhered to, and indiscriminately inflicted upon others by all of his subjects. They are all tattooed on Pongo the Gigantic’s immense scrotum and buttocks, they are as follows;

    Rule 1: I am the creator of all…I am your god…all gods are complete bullshit and false prophets!

    Rule 2: All must make crudely constructed images of me, worshipped upon and adorned with offerings of condiments, bizarre fruits, and anything else that is going bad in the refrigerator.

    Rule 3: Observe the holy Sabbath of Thursday afternoon, from 2:27 p.m. to 4:52 p.m. without fail, by continuing what you’re already doing at the time.

    Rule 4: Curse my name whenever possible, especially when agitated, injured, offended or it just seems like the right thing to say in the moment.

    Rule 5: Do not kill…unless you have a REALLY, REALLY, REALLY good reason, and if you must kill…do so in my name and insist I spoke directly to you, and commanded you to do so.

    Rule 6: Engage in sexual intercourse with anyone or anything willing, as frequently as possible…if unable to do so, repeated daily masturbation is mandatory.

    Rule 7: Do not steal…except from the obscenely wealthy, any multi-national corporation, politicians, political groups, or other churches and religious institutions.

    Rule 8: Want everything…desire what you cannot have and obsess over it endlessly. Lust after people you cannot have and be envious of others that possess what you do not.

    Rule 9: Always be honest and faithful…unless it’s going to get you into trouble, then utilize falsehoods, denial and shamelessly blame others.

    Rule 10: All felines must be hairless…a shaven pussy is beautiful.

    Rule 11: Ridicule, parody, satirize and misrepresent any and all theologies, religions and creeds…including the Holy Church of Ponginae. Utilize vicious and ruthless tactics whenever and wherever possible, and never apologize for doing so.

    Rule 12: Consume anything and everything you wish…gluttony is good. Sugar, caffeine, meat, cephalopods, gastropods, insects, crustaceans, alcohol, hallucinogens and other mind-altering substances are sacred foods and are to be eaten regularly…or whenever desired.

    Rule 13: Lethargy and indolence is encouraged whenever possible.

    Rule 14: Rage and be wrathful against all those you believe to deserve spite and revenge.

    Rule 15: Be arrogant and vain…narcissism and conceit is essential for unjustifiable self-worth…the universe revolves around you, and you alone.

    Rule 16: Donation of money to the Holy Church of Ponginae is not necessary or required, but encouraged…any money donated will be used for whatever is needed or wanted, and there shall be no accounting of church money whatsoever.

    Rule 17: Keep the kitchen and toilet as a holy place of worship, to perform acts of devotion, veneration, and religious study…for this is where all shit begins and ends.
    Time spent defecating is considered penance for transgressions against Pongo the Gigantic.

    Rule 18: Practitioners are required to evangelize the teachings of the Holy Church of Ponginae at every opportunity, by going to crowded public places and uttering obscenities at other religious evangelists or random individuals, do so as loudly and obnoxiously as possible, accompanied by inappropriate and offensive gestures.

    Rule 19: All rules of the Church of Ponginae are strictly voluntary and completely unenforceable…especially when inconvenient, inappropriate or burdensome.

    Failure to adhere to these rules will result in terrible punishment. Any who willfully break these rules will be force-fed hallucinogens, sent to the nearest economically depressed, violent crime riddled city or state, and flagellated with ridiculously named vegetation, by equally bizarrely titled, naked fictional entities coated in the condiment of choice. The punishment will continue for all of eternity…or until the condemned gets tired of it and is no longer amused…or falls asleep.

    The canonic documents of the Holy Church of Ponginae…

    The complete works of Douglas Adams

    The complete works of Hunter S. Thompson

    The complete works of John Steinbeck

    The complete works of Ayn Rand

    The complete works of William S. Burroughs

    The complete works of Samuel L. Clemens (a.k.a. Mark Twain)

    James Joyce -Finnegan’s Wake

    David Rees -How to Sharpen Pencils

    Luigi Serafini - Codex Seraphinianus

    May Cushman Rice - Electricity in Gynecology
    Gary Greenberg - The Pop-Up Book of Phobias

    Alison Jenkins - The Lost Art of Towel Origami

    Chad Orzel - How to Teach Physics to Your Dog

    Carlton Mellick III - The Baby Jesus Butt Plug

    Lawrence Wright - Clean and Decent: The Fascinating History of the Bathroom and Water-Closet

    This is just a preliminary and incomplete list of the canonical documents of the Holy Church of Ponginae. More texts will be added on future dates and as they are discovered.

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  7. Wait, I looked up your name on the Court-Wizard Registration Tome: Necromancy section and you weren't on there. You're an imposter! Shame on you, you liar! I'm going to report you to my advisors!

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  8. Even though I am a lesser-gendered female and, as such, matter much less than the men of our flock in the eyes of our Lord, I can't help but feel this power in this inspirational post. Praise our holy netsite for spreading the word, and praise you, Brother Thomas!

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  9. Pfft a necromancer you are not your just a mere mortal I'll show you true power, pick the place and see how you fail.

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  10. This is the funniest website I have ever seen 😂😂 but if Thomas Kelly is serious, you are the worlds biggest dickhead faggot wanker bloody idiot

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