Stafford, AZ – The Lonnie Childs Private Library, operated and managed by Alicia Stephenhopper, has burned to the ground under suspicious circumstances. The state of the art facility, offering the latest dial-up internet access and dozens of books and publications to the members of the BLUFF compound, will be closed indefinitely pending a decision by the Normal Council of Men to rebuild the facility.
“I honestly don’t know who would do this. I’m just heartbroken about the whole thing. I’ve poured my heart and soul into building this great library from the ground up, and now it’s gone,” Stephenhopper stated. “It’s a tragedy and a great loss to our community, and I will make sure that the culprit is found and prosecuted for this.”
An anonymous tip went out at 2:14 AM from the compound, alerting the police and fire department in Safford. By the time units arrived, the building was completely engulfed in flames and beyond saving. Firefighters and locals from the community stood and watched as the facility burned throughout the night. Several children and a few men took advantage of the flames, roasting marshmallows at the entrance and laughing with glee.
Ms. Stephenhopper was scorned and shunned last year for forcing a divorce on her new husband, claiming that his
behavior with local delivery men and fast-food workers exhibited homosexual tendencies. The library helped to take some of the attention off of her divorce proceedings, and the community has regarded her separation from her husband as an unfortunate turn of events in an otherwise happy union. Not all of the residents are satisfied with Lonnie’s decision to ignore her act of defiance to Normal standards, as set forth in the Book of Lonnie.
“That woman is a disgrace to this community, and she should have never been allowed here in the first place,” said Justine Meadows, a long-time resident of the community. “She has a hole in her throat, did you know that? When she first arrived, she would flash it around to all the men, as if offering it in a sexual way. It was disgusting.” (According to reports filed, Ms. Stephenhopper’s affliction was caused by an unfortunate tracheotomy procedure that occurred after she choked on a hot dog after a Whitesnake concert in Phoenix.)
In addition, Ms. Stephenhopper has recently published a book, 50 Shades of Lonnie, that has caused quite a stir on the compound. While women there seem to be enjoying it during their extended 30 minute breaks from the field, the men haven’t had many positive things to say about it.
“I tell you what, you can’t just go around writing nonsense like that about our Savior and expect to not have some
sort of retaliation against you. I remember when it first came out, someone said we ought to burn that damn library to the ground. I guess we will never get that chance now, since the library has burned to the ground, and no one here had anything to do with it,” stated Thomas Kelly, the Dean, Professor, and Grand Magus Necromancer Wizard at BLUFF University. “It’s a shame that we didn’t get to burn the place ourselves, but we didn’t. I guess we will never know what happened. Must have been some sort of electrical mishap.”
Investigators on the scene say that the fire initially looked suspicious, as gas cans and propane tanks were littered about the premises and among the ruins of the facility. “It really looks almost like someone set this place on purpose,” said Robert Mathammer, a local police officer and chief investigator. “I can’t imagine anyone would do such a thing, however, so we are going to just call it a freak accident. I don’t see us charging anyone with anything at this point.”