How Fast Were YOU Masturbating?

War. Earthquakes. Terrorists. Pot. Cancer. Snakes. Masturbation.

Human life is unpredictable and fragile. Disaster may strike at any point. No amount of money, fame, or success will save those of us that have sinned in the eyes of our Lord. The following celebrities have learned this lesson firsthand. 

A famous young Snow-Mexican rapper Justin Bieber is a well known pot addict and avid masturbator. On March 3, 2014 Justin barely escaped with his life after being arrested for driving whilst masturbating. According to Mr. Bieber’s Public Relations personal and General Surgeon; the only thing that saved him, was the fact that he could no longer maintain an erection due to his severe pot addiction. The other perverts on our list were no so lucky.

A B movie actor Paul Walker will never masturbate or race again. Paul was mostly known for starring in a series of Fast and Furious films – a story of forbidden inter-racial Homogay love between a cop and a criminal. On November 30, 2013 Walker passed away due to a fire that was started in his vehicle, most likely caused by masturbation related friction. Firefighters were able to retrieve a half-burned picture of Vin Diesel, Paul’s long time suspected Homogay lover. Mr. Vin Diesel was not available for comment.

The last victim of masturbation on our list was a troubled Rock-N-Roll singer Mitch Lucker. On November 1, 2012 Lucker drove into a pole whilst masturbating on his bike. This incident has caused a massive waive of cutting selfies among the online Emogay community. Mitch Lucker was an icon to troubled teens everywhere, dealing with life’s struggles such as acne and being grounded. Though he will be missed, his death was not in vain. Our hope, is that kids will learn from his mistakes, and educate themselves on dangers of self-rape before it’s too late.

About Nikita Shalavin 15 Articles

I used to live a lie. I was a leader of a Russian Prison Homogang and have once put a 12 gauge shotgun inside of myself on a dare. Brother Lonnie has saved my soul and shown me a new way to live.

8 Comments on How Fast Were YOU Masturbating?

  1. * Masturbating – is the correct way of spelling it. You would know this if you paid attention in school instead of fantasizing about your next self-rape session Jack (if that’s your real name).

    • Screw you Caleb. No one is interested in disinformation put out by Big Masturbation controlled media. You need to check your Faith Facts, pervert.

  2. Sorry Nikita Shalavin but when community tells intentionnaly LIES to people in order to gain more followers, in the real world we call it propaganda. If you want to look more credible start by saying the truth otherwise you just look really ridiculous and desesperate.

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