In a world where masturbation has run rampant, more and more people are having their arms or hands amputated due to masturbation injuries and diseases. While we do not approve of the activities that self-rapists involve themselves in, we do still care about the human species and the blacks, so Brother Lonnie has invented some amazing prosthetic limbs for people who lost their limbs as a result of masturbation. This will be our first of many advertisements for these products, but if you order before our next ad comes out, we will give you a 50% discount, just type “Self-Rape Amputee” in the coupon box. The rest of this page will describe the products and the benefits to the amputee that orders them.
#1) The classic “angry old man”. Excellent for general use, this prosthetic device will lend you a “hand” when kneading dough, defending yourself against angry juggaloons or any activity that requires a bare knuckle approach. Not intended for use by homosexuals or lesbians for fisting activities. We believe that this fist could have ended the “Black Panther” terrorist group, but the Liberals wanted extra rights for the tribals.
#2) The “Prayer Champ”. With this prosthetic, the amputee can constantly be close to Jesus or Brother Lonnie. They also have the ability to perform a double pimp slap on anyone who disrespects Brother Lonnie, or attempts to self-rape in their presences. A perfect match for Olympic diver, marijuanas injector, and self-rapist Michael Phelps. We just need him to agree to the amputation now.
#3) This is for the ambidextrous self-rapers who had both hands amputated due to the bad AIDS. It fits on one arm, but gives you the feeling of having two hands again(neither of which are available for masturbation. We call it tough love). I dare you to try masturbating with this prosthetic actually. If you get one hand to work on your sin stick, the other will be punching you in Satan’s eggs aka the testicles. Good luck, Self-Rapists.
#4) This item was created because apparently self-rapists enjoy the Stargate Trek Wars films. Dark Vapors was an evil character in the Stargate trilogy, and he used his “male privilege” aka “the force” to choke people with his glove. We believe that he was one of the best superheroes ever, and we appreciate his use of force, just like we appreciate the use of force by any Police Officer ever, unless they try to raid our compound.