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MASTURBATOR REFORMED – Stop Masturbation Now


Full Conversion Marks a Banner Day for Faithscience and SMN Ministries

Imagine a world without self-rape.


Often, we here at Stop Masturbation Now Ministries are asked just how successful are we at converting heathen, self-rapist, foreigners into useful, upstanding, God-fearing, productive members of society. Today, we lambast the nay-sayers, and sinning unbelievers, who mock us so readily, and often, with the masturbatory drivel, that irritates and sickens me so, that I have to strip naked, and run into the woods… but I digress, as I seem to have run astray of the point. We have succeed! Today we present our greatest success: Chris Sheehy!


Christopher Sheehy presumably spent most of his early years in Island Mexico, being upside-down and avoiding the entire berth of flora and fauna, as it is all poisonous.

No Normal American can truly say what it is like in that God-forsaken nightmare they call a continent, nor should we care. USA is #1, and you’d all damned well better remember it. Praise.


For some evil reason, Satan had pulled a fast one on Chris. He had taken to loose women, and incredible amounts of cheap beer and liquor. He was a loss, and barely a recognizable as a human. In fact, he resembled some form of sloth perhaps, or a particularly puzzling marsupial, as there are lots of those possum deals in Island Mexico, as it is savage and disgusting.

"Even though I co9uldn'r reckon him a man, with him being so very ugly, I am glad Brother Thomas stop me from sticking him with my "toothpick". He's become a real story, that's for sure"- Cassidy Pen
“Even though I couldn’t reckon him a man, with him being so very ugly, I am glad Brother Thomas stopped me from sticking him with my “toothpick”. He’s become a real story, that’s for sure.”- Cassidy Pen

Chris Sheehy began to masturbate, vigorously, and often, ruining his hands, and nearly ruining his very soul. But one day, he encountered a Faith-Wizard, and an old woodsman, who, after subduing and binding Sheehy, where able to help him regain his person-hood, by stringent and stern application of  the Lonnie Childs’ Golden Redemption Method. It was a long process, spanning nearly 18 months. It was feared he would not survive the physical intensity of the Faith and Love of Lonnie Childs being thrust deep inside of his very core. But by the miracle of absolute devotion to The Stop Masturbation Now Movement, Sheehy was finally able to be saved and was baptized in Lonnie Child’s Golden Shower of Love.


On the moon? For reals?  No. But that doesn't mean it won't happen...someday...
On the moon? For reals?
But that doesn’t mean it won’t happen…someday…

Mr Sheehy has now finally attained humanity, and is now permitted to speak publicly, so that he may preach our words. He has been outfitted with a modest black suit, and tie, and a 21spd 1990’s mountain bicycle, and along with Pr.Dr. Skipford Enis. PhD, is allowed to ride around in particularly bad areas of inner cities and distribute our literature to non-normal criminals and deviants in a feeble attempt to save their lesser souls.


What this means is that we have successfully converted a heathen foreign masturbator into useful crusader of Our Mission. This stands as irrefutable proof that we should be listened to.

Take the SMN pledge and become human today!


About Thomas Kelly 62 Articles
Thomas Kelly, SMN Faithscience Editor, is the Dean of several B.L.U.F.F's, as well as the preeminent authority on Faithscience. In addition these lofty titles, he is also a powerful wizard, and holds over fifty non-secular PHDs.


  1. Brothers Thomas and Cassidy, I shall kiss you both (in a non-sexual fashion), for the great conversion you blessed upon this once heathen, self-raping, Island convict.


  2. Australians are nondisgusting Italians; nor are they Euromexicans, who are improperly called Frenchmen. These are big factors in Mr. sheehy’s success.

  3. I met him last month, and he fondled my genitals. I doubt that he has been fully converted away from the homo-gay tendencies.

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