A miracle has occurred this week, as Stop Masturbation Now founder and American Hero, Lonnie Childs, has intervened to save the immortal soul of a parishioner known simply as ‘Thomas’. ‘Thomas’ was asleep in bed when a miracle sent by Lonnie Childs awakened him in order to alert ‘Thomas’ to the fact that his hands had found their way beneath the covers. The ruining of ‘Thomas’s’ bed was a small price to pay for being spared from the most selfish form of rape found in modern society, and ‘Thomas’ himself describes his celestial wakening as a “wonderful feeling“. Would that we were all so fortunate as to experience one of Lonnie Childs’ famous miracles!
The warning signs had been in place for weeks leading up to this intervention, with ‘Thomas’ exhibiting troubling behaviour such as driving un-American vehicles, and dressing up as a Witch. That said, no amount of problematic behaviour could have alerted any lesser person than the anointed of God to the precise moment at which the incident was about to occur. This must be terrible news for the mockers and trolls who harangue us here on the holy site, as it conclusively proves them wrong for good and all. I do not give a good God dang how smart a guy thinks he is – there is simply no denying cold, hard facts.