Monsanto and B.L.U.F.F To Create Actual Fappy Mascot

D.N.A.s of Paul Horner and Original Fappy The Dolphin to be mixed on up!

Real Fappy is coming soon!


Brother Dr. Skippy Enis, B.L.U.F.F liaison to Monsanto Company announced today that the huge multi-national poison, tasty food, and G.M.O, super corporation, has begun production of the first human/dolphin chimera.

The x-rays of the Growthpod (tm) look promising.
The x-rays of the Growthpod ™ look promising.

Says Dr. Enis, ” Brother Lonnie Childs himself, and his personal attache Doug Pinnick, have been in talks for many years with Monsanto Company regarding this project. Long ago, it was decided that the possibility of a human wearing a furry dolphin suit might not be enough to stop the dangerous practice of masturbation, is indeed, possible. ”

Mosanto Company  is the #1 poison and GMO chimera company on Earth.
Mosanto Company is the #1 poison and GMO chimera company on Earth.

This fact is made glaringly evident by the trials and tribulations of ill-fated current mascot Paul Horner, who this week alone, has been arrested 22 times for public indecency.

Monsanto Company is confident it has addressed this problem to the fullest. Says Dr Enis, ” The man in the suit, Mr. Horner, is the problem. However, despite his frequent public shaming, he continues with his spiel. That is why we have crossed his own often wasted D.N.A with that of the preserved remains of Original Fappy The Dolphin. This chimera will succeed where the man in a furry suit cannot, and nay, will not. ”  He then went on to add the military potential of this creation has limitless profit potential as well.

Imagine a glorious navy of these guys! GOD BLESS AMERICA!!
Imagine a glorious navy of these guys! GOD BLESS AMERICA!!

The combination of the two D.N.As is indeed a banner moment for Faithscience and Mad Science, and has attracted public outrage from stupid people. Says one such idiot ” This is the stupidest thing I have heard”. That man no doubt later died while masturbating with his own  feces.

One might question the moral and environmental consequences of crossing a man with a dolphin, but Brother Dr. Enis ensures us it is all for the good. Says Enis, ” The Good Lord never speaks of his own accord. Well, Brother Lonnie only speaks of the Lord’s accord. “

About Thomas Kelly 62 Articles
Thomas Kelly, SMN Faithscience Editor, is the Dean of several B.L.U.F.F's, as well as the preeminent authority on Faithscience. In addition these lofty titles, he is also a powerful wizard, and holds over fifty non-secular PHDs.

9 Comments on Monsanto and B.L.U.F.F To Create Actual Fappy Mascot

  1. One of my Father’s shell companies in Eastern Europe was working on chimeras like this. It is highly possible that Monsanto is already working with them, but if not I can get them in touch. Father’s company was responsible for the creatures in the documentaries “Cloverfield” and “Godzilla” so something as simple as a man-dolphin mascot would be something they could put together quite quickly. Again, though, if this is already happening do not mind me. I haven’t spoken to Father in a while since it out to sea right now.

  2. Just think, after they perfect this chimera – maybe Monsanto can start making chimera athletes and chimera super soldiers. Any time some other nation decides they’re some big deal in the Olympics or in a war, Monsanto and America can just quickly put them in their place with no effort and without wasting the energy and lives of our normal citizens.

    Truly groundbreaking work being done at Monsanto these days. Praise them.

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