Staunch Anti-Masturbation Ally Turns Normal

a STOP Masturbation NOW success story

It’s easy to get discouraged in the fight against masturbation.  Big Masturbation and its allies for years have been undermining the moral fabric of this country through the schools, Hollywood, the LIEberal media and sports.  Today marks a turning point in our struggle.

International black baseballing super star Sammy Sosa has recently revealed the secret to his touchdown prowess.  While other players were injecting their bodies with all manner of filth in order to gain a competitive advantage, Brother Sammy used prayer and a strict anti-masturbation lifestyle to transform his body into a prolific touchdown machine who shattered the all time touch down record previously held by Baby Ruth.  This has caused some of more exuberant sports fans in our congregation quite a bit of grief as baseball is a sport dominated by Normals and it’s God’s plan that it remain that way.  But now a miracle has occurred.  Our ethnic outreach succeeded in bringing Brother Sammy to the fold.  Despite being pure of heart Brother Sammy had yet to take Brother Lonnie’s official STOP Masturbation NOW pledge of self-celibacy and technically remained a non-Normal skinned negro.  As preached by Brother Lonnie and proven by tax-payer funded studies, once Brother Sammy took the pledge and allowed the love of Brother Lonnie to enter his sin holes, his skin became the most beautiful shade of Normal.  Big Masturbation and scLIEnce will tell you this is impossible but here in the above image before you is the truth.

Now Brother Sammy is fit to hold the all-time touchdown record and as an added benefit has begun paying his bills, doesn’t waste all his money on tire rims, stopped fathering children out of wedlock, has caught up on his back child support, can obtain loans and no longer dates chubby white women with self esteem issues!  The claims of racism are now falling on deaf ears as Brother Lonnie seeks to share white privilege to all while the real racists seek to keep it for themselves.  Praise Brother Lonnie, God, Jesus, America and nothing else!  Bless!

About Carlos Danger 18 Articles
Staunch anti-masturbation Christian soldier and former lifelong Echo & the Bunnymen fan until I learned the dangers of secular music. Brother Lonnie saved me from a life of homoerotic servitude in which I was paid with food items from McDonald's value menu. I co-founded Christians Overcoming Carnal Knowledge (or COCK) to help former homogays test their firm commitment to a heterosexual lifestyle. I enjoy Gladiator movies, Top Gun and Christian fellowship with Latino men.

7 Comments on Staunch Anti-Masturbation Ally Turns Normal

    • Oh lord help me I just masturbated to this comment. Cory, you made me think about Sammy Sosa having homosexual relations with our lord and savior and that made my wing ding harder than my priest was at the children’s day picnic. I wish I hadn’t done it, but it was no use. It was as if Satan was whispering “Do it bitch” in my ear, and it just felt so wrong, but so good at the same time. What will I tell my girlfriend? What if I’m actually gay and am going to hell? Anyone please, I am in need…. Please pray for me, I deeply regret my actions.

  1. Slammy Salsa played for the Mets and Chicago White Sox at Wiggly Field. He hit a record number of three pointers with a corked bat but came in second to Barry MacGuire of the St. Louis Blues.

  2. Praying that brother Salsa, now that he is normal, gets elected as next Grand Dragon of the Ku Klux Klan. That would be the American Dream come true

  3. Do you think Big Masturbation cares about your puny church? For every paltry victory your church claims, I claim thousands and tens of thousands. My ad campaigns have the youth of the world reaching inside their pants as fast as they can. You are but a gnat to be swept aside. The homogays will be descending on you soon to scrub your church property clean for a new amusement park with lots of vibrating rides and lurid twitch music. You will fall beneath my heel. Pray while you still can. See what good it does you.

  4. Interesting. By no means do I agree with you folks, but I figured the existence of this site was innocent because anti-masturbation is all a matter of choice. In life, God has given us the beauty of free will, and you all can choose to partake or not partake in whatever. The only instance I have an issue is when people are persecuted because of factors out of their control. Dark skin isn’t normal? I honestly want to believe irrational thoughts born of irrational people no longer existed, but sites like these prove racism and ignorance are like viruses. Tell you folks what, I’ll be praying for you. I’m sorry you have to live in such hatred.

1 Trackbacks & Pingbacks

  1. Chicago Cubs Greats: What Are They Doing Now? « Martinis at The Blue Max

Comments are closed.