Tim Tebow Convicted of Murder

Brother Lonnie Calls for Public To Withhold Judgment

Superbowl winning superstar quarterback for the Philadelphia Eagles, Tim Tebow has been convicted of first degree murder and sentence to life without parole.  Brother Lonnie has called for the public to withhold judgment until all the facts are known.  In his statement Brother Lonnie cautioned against judging God’s favorite white American quarterback and warned that Tebow’s anti-masturbation stance and moral upbringing have long made him a target of Big Masturbation.  The full statement can be found below.

“I have prayed long and hard on the matter and God has told me that this is a set-up by Big Masturbation to take the greatest moral pillar of our society down a peg.  This time George Soros and his puppet Barak Obama have gone too far and I call on a full presidential pardon for Tebow.  Obama has 24 hours to issue this pardon or I shall call upon my followers to raise up and overthrow the U.S. government and put Obama and his LIEberal allies on show trials to immediately be followed by execution.  Tim Tebow is the greatest American that has ever lived and he should be allowed to murder anytime he pleases.  Besides it’s not like the victim was white.

God bless some of you.”

Lonald “Lonnie” Childs

About Carlos Danger 18 Articles
Staunch anti-masturbation Christian soldier and former lifelong Echo & the Bunnymen fan until I learned the dangers of secular music. Brother Lonnie saved me from a life of homoerotic servitude in which I was paid with food items from McDonald's value menu. I co-founded Christians Overcoming Carnal Knowledge (or COCK) to help former homogays test their firm commitment to a heterosexual lifestyle. I enjoy Gladiator movies, Top Gun and Christian fellowship with Latino men.

11 Comments on Tim Tebow Convicted of Murder

  1. Okay, I have to ask: Is this site a parody news site, like The Onion? How come there are no sources? How come there are no mainstream news sites eating this up (and they would in a heartbeat)? I don’t believe Christians are behind this news site. I think it’s people trying to make a mockery of religion. I really don’t appreciate this nonsense; it makes terrible comedy.

  2. Wow, what Jon said, really makes sense…! I’m wondering the same now. But actually I really do hope it’s mockery because if it were serious, it’d be really screwed up… Could anyone answer this?

  3.  When a man strikes his male or female slave with a rod so hard that the slave dies under his hand, he shall be punished.  If, however, the slave survives for a day or two, he is not to be punished, since the slave is his own property.  (Exodus 21:20-21 NAB)

  4. What an ordeal for Tebow. I still remember his appearances in Leslie Nielsen’s “Naked Gun”” movies in the 80s. Boy, is he talented.

  5. Only the lord really knows hows properly stroke you and its on such an amazing spiritual level that the intensity of your faithgasm will be far greater then you damned sinners could ever understand

  6. Reading the first 3 words “Superbowl Winning QB”, I already knew this was fake. Tebow is gonna sue who ever made this.

  7. This is the dumbest site I have ever seen. This “news” is absolute bull. Your opinions are retarded, your “news” has no credible sources (like this OBVIOUSLY fake article), and anyone stupid enough to believe this crap is the ones who need praying for.

  8. Ok so these guys have done no research what so ever because of all the teams they could have picked they picked the one that has actually never won a super bowl. The Eagles have won the orange bowl but never the super bowl. Good job on screwing yourselves over in the first sentence

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