Australian Man Marries Hand in Secret Ceremony

Shocking Masturbation News From Down Under

One’s own hand may, sadly to some, become known as a lonely man’s only friend, but one Australian has taken his self love to an entirely new level by marrying his cherished appendage.

According to the Down Under Times, Joe Grosser wed his hand, which he named, “Honey,” under a withered tree in the Queensland town of Wombatia. The groom donned a formal suit while the “bride” wore a decorative glove with an attached flowing veil-like string.

Grosser’s friends and family attended the unorthodox and unsanctioned wedding farce, which concluded with the groom getting down on one knee to plant a kiss on his own hand. “You’re my best friend and you make every part of my day better,” Grosser, 20, told his hand, according to the New York Tribune.

Though local self celibacy groups have slammed the nuptials, Grosser has laughed off the criticism, saying that he loves his hand. “It’s completely sexual,” he told the DUT, noting that the event was simply a “lighthearted” way to celebrate self rape with friends. “You can’t actually marry a hand.” And it sounds as if the honeymoon period might already be over for the new couple: “I think [Honey’s] a bit angry about all the friction; ‘she’s’ been giving me the silent treatment,” the DUT quotes Grosser as saying.

Truly, the man is sickened by masturbation and the guests have only encouraged his bizarre behavior with gifts of hand lotion and rubber gloves.

About Cassidy Pen 80 Articles
Cornelius Bartholomew “Cassidy” Pen, a retired US Marine, Actor, and Security Head-Receiver at B.L.U.F.F. Female Intake, now writes for a number of nationally respected news agencies. A winner of the prestigious Bill O'Reily "No-Spin" Award, Cassidy also runs a daytime street ministry to save souls from the sin of self rape. An avid hunter and manufacturer of distilled spirits, Cassidy would probably be found deep in the woods during his free time.
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3 Comments on Australian Man Marries Hand in Secret Ceremony

  1. I find this repulsive! A man should never be allowed to marry another man’s hand! The bible clearly states that a union is to be between a man and a woman’s hand. What’s next? A man and a dogs paw?! What is this world coming too? =(

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