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Interview With a Masturbator: James the Juggalo – Stop Masturbation Now

Interview With a Masturbator: James the Juggalo

Cassidy sits "Down With a Clown"

Detroit, MI – My dear friends in Christ through the Lonaldian Way, in this edition of IWAM, I sat down (without shaking hands) with James Pearson, a 19 year old Juggalo, who naturally lives in the basement of his parent’s home in an undisclosed suburb of Detroit.

Although of normal complexion beneath his hideous white and black clown makeup, James is a filthy Juggalo, meaning a fan of the trip hop shock duo, Insane Clown Posse. Juggalos are a self-rape subculture, having used their hands for sin since the first ICP Faygo showers back in 1989. The band’s lewd lyrics focus on murder, gluttony, and a psychopathic method of masturbation dubbed, the “Jack-all,” illustrated on their breakthrough rap album “The Great Mil-yank-o.” I won’t even mention what a Juggalo would walk up and do in your macaroni dinner.

NOTE: The heavy use of ghetto gang slang and offensive expletives has forced extensive editing of the subject’s responses.

The subject seemed in an amphetamine state, in constant motion. I finally got him to sit down with his arms crossed and right leg nervously tapping the floor.

Cassidy Pen: Good Day, Mr, Pearson. What propelled you to become a Juggalo?

James Pearson: Be like jammin’ in the elementary trip when uptight straights peddling their establishment propaganda on the kids force me to shake my head at the sh*t and be all like what I wanna be, home.

CP: After you turned away from Faith to embrace the sin of self-rape, what did your parents…
JP: yo yo yo old punk-ass muthaf*cka be judgin and sh*t…who the f*ck you be rapping at me ’bout what I do wit MY HANDS and MY LIFE…you ol’ bastard, be hatin’ an think you f*kin’ above us wih yo g*ddam beard and hat and shit…f*ck this, man I’m outta here…crazy bitch ass mutha f*kin (further dialog inaudible)

At this point young James fled the interview. I placed my Glock 21 back on safety and released grip as he left. Thankfully, I was not forced to draw in self-defense.

Sadly, young James is beyond redemption, a prayer category classification of “Lost Soul” to the sin of masturbation. He’s a product of his peer group, the Juggalos and their anti-social lifestyle, forged by Satan…a mind and body addicted to the erection and the hand finale. Young James is a prisoner to the “pull & pop” lifestyle that has corrupted thousands of Juggalos.

Our efforts to redeem souls and point sinners toward the light of Lonnie’s Golden Love is best focused elsewhere for only frustration will result if we attempt to reach out to these dregs.

About Cassidy Pen 80 Articles
Cornelius Bartholomew “Cassidy” Pen, a retired US Marine, Actor, and Security Head-Receiver at B.L.U.F.F. Female Intake, now writes for a number of nationally respected news agencies. A winner of the prestigious Bill O'Reily "No-Spin" Award, Cassidy also runs a daytime street ministry to save souls from the sin of self rape. An avid hunter and manufacturer of distilled spirits, Cassidy would probably be found deep in the woods during his free time.
Contact: Website

9 Comments on Interview With a Masturbator: James the Juggalo

  1. I have no idea what that silly circus clown was saying… Probably just as well! However, I have witnessed masturbators speaking in tongues when possessed by Satan and its not that different.

  2. I think Cassidy’s interview truly depicts what’s wrong with this whole ICP, Jo’s & Lette’s crap. These worthless ignorant kids grow up today with mommy & daddy being their ‘friends.’ As their friends, not as parents, it’s so much easier to write your kids off as the little masturbating pieces of shit they are completely guilt free since our friends don’t scold us, don’t discipline us, don’t raise us, don’t teach us values, integrity or manners. Why? Because they’re our friends. Parents used to beat respect, honesty and integrity into their kids and they raised them proper as God intended. Decades after parents gave up on their responsibilities to raise their children properly the end result is this lost generation of felons, gangsters, masturbators and sodomites just like James Pearson.

  3. Where do these Juggelos get their money? They don’t seem employable. I think i saw one outside the hot topic, but I don’t think they were working. Probably living off some liberal handout.

    • Excellent point, August. I certainly would have no use for a person dressed like that! How long could someone with that hideous makeup even last up on a roof or in a hot factory?

  4. I’m surprised he was able to speak as well as he did in this interview with you Mr. Pen. I would imagine that the combination of masturbation induced diseases and the chemical breakdown of his brain due to the bootleg Faygo soda drink mixed with grain alcohol would have rendered him mute by now.

    Brother Lonnie needs to show up at Juggaloland Festival 2015 or whatever they call their annual poor man’s Roman Orgy and annoint them all with His Golden Shower of Truth and Love. That would be the only hope for them as a species.

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