Masturbators for the most part look just like you or I but upon closer inspection subtle differences become apparent. Witness this lost soul, who we will call “Thomas Y.”, who has recently been diagnosed with stage-2 masturbation astigmatism. Please print out this picture and carry it with you at all times. If you encounter anyone who displays these symptoms DO NOT SHAKE THEIR HAND. If you must, offer a polite, sin-free fist bump and quickly excuse yourself and alert your local pastor for an emergency prayer session. You have done your part, the rest is between God and the self-rapist.

Be alert!  Be vigilant!  Be self-rape free!

– Lonnie


About Lonnie Childs 46 Articles
Hello, my name is Lonald "Lonnie" Childs and I am the founder and president of the STOP Masturbation NOW anti-masturbation movement. Please visit my Facebook page here, and my unaccredited institution of higher learning here,
Contact: Website


  1. Umm…. Dont You Guys Think That The Person Who Published This Article Is Going A Little Bit Overboard? This Looks Like A Normal Guy. And All The Writer Is Doing Is Pointing Out His Facial Flaws. Kinda Dumb If You Ask Me.

  2. Uh…. Masturbation doesn’t have these effects on our genetics…?
    What the fuck is ‘masturbation hair’? XD

  3. Thomas Y. is actually Thom Yorke of Radiohead/Atoms for Peace. As a huge fan, I think I’d know if he had some disease… The best part, however, is that they blame his eye problem that he was BORN with on masturbation. I’m so happy I found this article.

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