Family Values

A Young Girl’s Dilemma – Ask Cassidy

cassidy - askDear, Cassidy.

I’m a 14 year-old girl attending Hickory Woods Middle School in Clydesdale, IL. There’s a creepy boy named Marty Swanson who wears baggy pants, a collar shirt, and has dirty beady eyes. He’s always slurping, wiping at his face, and making strange intestinal sounds in school. In my English class, he sits right behind me and his manners are becoming very irritating.

But that’s not why I’m writing to you for advice. Before we were supposed to line up for gym class today, Marty called my name while I was talking to my girlfriends on the softball team. When I looked at him, I was shocked to see he had a growing lump in his gym shorts. He had popped a boner. I’m glad none of my friends noticed.

What can I do? What if he embarrasses me? Should I talk to the gym teacher? I’ve enclosed a picture of Marty Swanson so you can judge him by his looks.

Very Worried.

borderDear, Very Worried.

Marty is no doubt an unrepentant masturbator. He lacks social skills because of his upbringing and his own devotion to Satan. Pray at him, but always keep in mind that prayer can only help so much. You would do best to publicly shame the boy. Here are a few suggestions.

  • Scream and point at his turgid trousers next time you see him excited.
  • Date a strong bullying type boy in school and ask him to take care of Marty.
  • Make copies of this picture and write up self rape shaming cards and posters to tack up around school and town. On them, write simple phrases like, “Marty Swanson-Self Rapist” and “Marty Pops Boners.”
  • Call and shame him from a pay telephone while disguising your voice.
  • Call the police and file a sexual harassment report against the boy. It is important to call during school hours to place a liability with the heathen public school district where you reside. You may be due a large financial settlement.

I hope this helps. God Bless you and your continued self celibacy.

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Deku
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Deku

You are promoting bullying you know that right. Also that boy was also born mentally retarred or something, so he can’t help himself. Smart Guy, I leave the rest up to you.

Saved by the truth
Guest
Saved by the truth

Mentally retarded are the worst.

Nigel Covington
Guest

Come on guys… he’s a retard who unknowingly is a nuisance to everyone around him. “Promoting bullying” of course this useless loser has it coming. Why do you ask in such a condescending tone? You should shut your gaping hole… its the sex hole located under your noise! Deku you wrote… “he can’t help himself” Yeah we know that, we just don’t care. Look I dunno anything about you, but if you’re anything like that dizzy, flaming homo Richard (below) than you have no right to show up here to shame good people here on this holy site. And if… Read more »

Go fuck yourself in the face
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Go fuck yourself in the face

I’ll fucking get a boner wherever The fuck I want

Richard
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Richard

That’s fucked the kid possibly has Down syndrome and you guys are encouraging bullying

Philipp B.
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Philipp B.

godisdead

Masturbationisgood
Guest
Masturbationisgood

God is dead and this website killed him

Ms Millie Tant
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Ms Millie Tant

That boy should have his penis cut off in a Sharia court. This was clearly sexual harrassment. This potentential rapist little shit would probably grow up to be a neckbearded men’s rights activist atheist Youtuber. Gross.

Hugh Mongous
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Hugh Mongous

Thats hilarious. This can’t be for real. Just.. wow.

Faggot, A.
Guest
Faggot, A.

Well holy shit (coincidentally is an apt description for this POS site) I had an idea that you fundamentalist types were fucking deficit in the mental faculties, but this really takes the shit-smeared cake. I could walk through each point, pointing out how absolutely inhuman, inhumane, and so typical of you all this advice is, but any person that has the capacity to slam two neurons together to form a coherent thought knows, despite how basic that thought is, just how incorrect this advice is. I understand though, why you spew this putrid bile some might dare call armchair, stay-at-home-mom,… Read more »

Amy
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Amy

It’s a satirical website

Koldobika (@koldobika2020)
Guest

lol this is a satire/comedy website.

Jocelyn (@JossWJ)
Guest

This article and website is a bunch of trash. The kid clearly has downs syndrome. You are awful people to promote bullying

Jesus
Guest
Jesus

I think the funniest thing here is that no one understands the humor of the joke

A A
Guest
A A

This is satire right? Like, you guys aren’t ACTUALLY that fucked in the head right?….

Brother Nidwin
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Brother Nidwin

May be we could use holy handcuffs, the ones with iron torns, so the clearly self rapist can keeps his hands cuffed behind is back to avoid self rape? And if he gets a horrible boner Very Worried would have it easier to help that boy to get rid of it with a kick in balls. Praying very hard for you Very Worried.

the truth
Guest
the truth

id love to talk to one of you clowns in real life and dissect this horrid twisted idea that’s self raped your fucking minds your close mindedness disgusts me with no physical proof that living this way is promotional to someones well-being you deserve to have the taste slapped out of your mouth for speaking that way I’m sure everything you did as a marine, killed and who knows what else happens within a platoon your a joke and don’t deserve to be a role model for anyone your life your religion your book (bible) is nothing more then a… Read more »

Deku
Guest
Deku

Sup Nigel, heard you were talking shut. I’d live to see what you really look like, not that Google Image phototherapy you have for your profile pick