I’m a 14 year-old girl attending Hickory Woods Middle School in Clydesdale, IL. There’s a creepy boy named Marty Swanson who wears baggy pants, a collar shirt, and has dirty beady eyes. He’s always slurping, wiping at his face, and making strange intestinal sounds in school. In my English class, he sits right behind me and his manners are becoming very irritating.
But that’s not why I’m writing to you for advice. Before we were supposed to line up for gym class today, Marty called my name while I was talking to my girlfriends on the softball team. When I looked at him, I was shocked to see he had a growing lump in his gym shorts. He had popped a boner. I’m glad none of my friends noticed.
What can I do? What if he embarrasses me? Should I talk to the gym teacher? I’ve enclosed a picture of Marty Swanson so you can judge him by his looks.
Dear, Very Worried.
Marty is no doubt an unrepentant masturbator. He lacks social skills because of his upbringing and his own devotion to Satan. Pray at him, but always keep in mind that prayer can only help so much. You would do best to publicly shame the boy. Here are a few suggestions.
- Scream and point at his turgid trousers next time you see him excited.
- Date a strong bullying type boy in school and ask him to take care of Marty.
- Make copies of this picture and write up self rape shaming cards and posters to tack up around school and town. On them, write simple phrases like, “Marty Swanson-Self Rapist” and “Marty Pops Boners.”
- Call and shame him from a pay telephone while disguising your voice.
- Call the police and file a sexual harassment report against the boy. It is important to call during school hours to place a liability with the heathen public school district where you reside. You may be due a large financial settlement.
I hope this helps. God Bless you and your continued self celibacy.