Apple Wearables Event Sparks Anti-Masturbation App & Device Rumors

iWatch

News of today’s Apple iPhone event has brought the continued speculation that the Cupertino based electronics giant also plans to unveil a “wearable” device. Apple fanatics have dubbed the proposed wearable the “iWatch” but so far Apple itself has not confirmed such a device will be unveiled at their “9-9-2014” event. The new iPhone mobile device, “iPhone 6”, is expected to be announced today in two different sizes.

The secrecy surrounding today’s event has led many in the anti-masturbation app developing community to leak developer only information that they have had access to in the hours leading up today’s event scheduled for 10am PST.

Developer Leo Bush of FaithApps, Inc. released information that he and his dev team have been building an app set to run on the iPhone 6 that will cause the phone to get unreasonably hot to the touch if the user views anything of a prurient interest. Bush’s app, expected to release in conjunction with the new phones, is tentatively titled “Burning Desire”. The app is still pending approval that it will work on both expected versions of the upcoming iPhones as, according to Bush, “Apple has kept us developers in the dark on the details up to this point. We expect no real delays however and are ready to work with what Apple announces on the 9th.”

Anti-masturbation advocates are most excited about the rumored “iWatch” as leaked insider information has led many to believe that the watch is a trojan horse anti-masturbation device. Dennis Sullivan, CEO of app developing firm Faith Maiden Industries, claims that his firm received prototype details that showed “buried in the proprietary code of the watch’s OS is some really incredible stuff.” Sullivan added, “Basically, there is an accelerometer that has been tailored specifically to the motions of both male and female masturbation. The watch will sense when someone is masturbating and send a shock pulse through the back of the device and then shut itself off for 24 hours as a form of ‘punishment’ to the offending user. I don’t expect Apple will announce this feature during their press conference, but it seems the developers are on our side yet again.”

What Sullivan is referring to is the fact that Flash, the popular web application that allows the wanton streaming of pornographic videos, was banished from both Apple’s iPhone and iPad operating system and will not run on the devices. It was shrouded in the late Steve Job’s claim, “If developers need to rewrite their Flash websites, why not use modern technologies like HTML5, CSS and JavaScript?”, but many knew that it was because web pornography lived and breathed on Flash based videos. Apple is also notorious for not allowing and adult themed apps in their mobile app store in another wonderful victory for family values.

This reporter is very excited to see some of these apps and devices implemented in the coming weeks and months. Bravo, Apple for taking a stand against masturbation!

Apple Event - 10am PST
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About Cathy Redmond 104 Articles

Cathy Redmond is a graduate of University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire, earning degrees in English and Political Science. She likes long walks in the desert, strong Conservative leadership and America.

3 Comments on Apple Wearables Event Sparks Anti-Masturbation App & Device Rumors

  1. This company has to be the most evil company in the history of evil. But its good for them to try to appear to stop masturbation.

    • Agreed, Senator. We shall see if these anti-masturbation technological advancements actually appear in the final version of the source code. I anticipate that the developers responsible get relieved of their duties and turn up in a Big Masturbation labor camp somewhere.

      Praise.

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