Today is Halloween and while most moral Christians will be hunkered down in their homes with their children, Bibles and guns clutched close, the secular world will send their children up to stranger’s doors begging for handouts like the Obama-Socialist zombies they are. This year, we fight back! As Christians, we are called upon by God to spread His Holy Word to the unsaved so we must look at this otherwise wicked day as an opportunity from On High! Like some kind of miracle, unsaved masturbators and their children are actually being delivered right to your doorstep!
This year, instead of turning the lights off and pretending you’re not home, print out this special coupon for 5% off the Anti-Masturbation Cross® and hand them out to the wicked unbelievers! When a costumed child comes up to your door and screams “Trick or Treat!” look them dead in their eyes and ask: “have you ever masturbated?”, then, before their parents can protest, slip this coupon into their little welfare-starter bag and slam the door. Praise!