Save Masturbators From Hell This Halloween!

Today is Halloween and while most moral Christians will be hunkered down in their homes with their children, Bibles and guns clutched close, the secular world will send their children up to stranger’s doors begging for handouts like the Obama-Socialist zombies they are. This year, we fight back! As Christians, we are called upon by God to spread His Holy Word to the unsaved so we must look at this otherwise wicked day as an opportunity from On High! Like some kind of miracle, unsaved masturbators and their children are actually being delivered right to your doorstep!

This year, instead of turning the lights off and pretending you’re not home, print out this special coupon for 5% off the Anti-Masturbation Cross® and hand them out to the wicked unbelievers! When a costumed child comes up to your door and screams “Trick or Treat!” look them dead in their eyes and ask: “have you ever masturbated?”, then, before their parents can protest, slip this coupon into their little welfare-starter bag and slam the door. Praise!

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About Lonnie Childs 38 Articles
Hello, my name is Lonald "Lonnie" Childs and I am the founder and president of the STOP Masturbation NOW anti-masturbation movement. Please visit my Facebook page here, and my unaccredited institution of higher learning here,
Contact: Website

24 Comments on Save Masturbators From Hell This Halloween!

  1. ROTFLOL. This while website has made me turn blue….with laughter.

  2. Asking children if they have ever masturbated and then giving them coupon for a disgusting device will only get you a visit from Child Protective Services and your name on the sex offender list.

  3. Not much of a Christian with a foul mouth like that. If I didn’t believe soap to be part of some recent liberal/left-wing conspiracy, I would was your pie-hole out with a bar of one right now, young man.

    • I think the only thing that will solve the problem of your existence is to shove a .44 Magnum down your fucking throat.

    • There it is folks, further proof that masturbators have a sick mind. Turning our device of forced self-celibacy into some kind of deranged pedophiliac S&M contraption. Praying now.

        • I’m more of an ass person, so I like to tie her up on the Xtian cross the other way around and ejaculate on her buttcrack after a good spanking. And since I am a switch, we then invert the cross afterwards and I allow her to tie me up upside down on it, where she then proceeds to take a baton and hit me repeatedly, on my testicles.

      • Danielle Nekoosak “she was cleansed by Brother Lonnie’s golden shower of purity” i see what you did there Mister…

    • I will make this page a target for community. Flame then down with bullshit until it wont work anymore! Spread my message! CAUSE I`M YOUR GOD NOW! and i want you to pray for my big and tasty love-stick!

Comments are closed.