Study: Self-Employed Are More Likely to Self-Rape

95% of self-employed found to be self-rapists


A recent study conducted by The Foundation For A Better Tomorrow has uncovered a new faith fact proving a link between self-employment and self-rape. The Foundation’s study concluded that the rate of self-rape among individuals who consider themselves “self-employed” was significantly higher than among individuals who work for someone else. “The self-employed are typically able to set their own hours,” explained Dr. Chester Grant of the Foundation For A Better Tomorrow. “This allows those masturbators to set aside extra time throughout the day to commit their sinful acts of self-rape, in between doing their actual jobs. Individuals who work for an outside employer are generally not afforded these luxuries. Those self-rapists either have to hold back their sick animalistic urges to times outside business hours or risk being rightfully shamed and ridiculed by co-workers who catch them defiling their bodies in the restrooms, break rooms and sanitation closets.”

Dr. Grant still affirms that the unemployed have the highest overall percentage of self-rapists making up their population. “Our concurrent study still found that 99.99996% of the unemployed in America are constantly masturbating,” added Dr. Grant. “With the liberal government of the United States handing these people free money and smartphones, it’s not surprising that the unemployed take these handouts and then spend their days destroying their own bodies.” The Foundation’s study on masturbation rates among the unemployed has a margin of error of 0.00004%.

The Foundation speculates that spike in self-rape incidents among the self-employed American workforce is due to the attitude many self-employed have. “It is very common to see the self-employed make a joke that they ‘love their boss’, because, ha ha, they’re their own boss,” surmised Dr. Grant. “That sick joke is merely cover for the fact that many of the self-employed have an unhealthy level of self-love and that they regularly show that ‘love’ in the form of masturbation.”

(data courtesy of The Foundation For A Better Tomorrow)

“All in all, we found that in 2014, nearly 95% of all self-employed workers in the United States regularly engaged in self-rape and self-rape related activities,” said a somber Dr. Grant. “That is up from 93.4% in 2013 and as of now we’re not sure what specifically caused the increase. One theory is that some of the masturbating unemployed decided to go into work for themselves and that the increase is only based on that. We’re hoping for that as we at the Foundation already know that the self-raping unemployed are basically a lost cause.”

About Cathy Redmond 108 Articles
Cathy Redmond is a graduate of University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire, earning degrees in English and Political Science. She likes long walks in the desert, strong Conservative leadership and America.

8 Comments on Study: Self-Employed Are More Likely to Self-Rape

  1. Hey, Butthead, wake up. I just found out the government will give us free money. Wake up, dill weed, I want some money for some cream for my monkey. Wake up.

  2. Last time I checked, Jesus was a self employed carpenter. Comparing Jesus to a cartoon character is not a point. Please tell your mother to upgrade your cable subscription. And I hope you are not injecting yourself with the weed?

  3. The foundation for a better tomorrow does such great work. One of the great forces of America is peer pressure. Peer pressure keeps you from doing things improper such as masturbating.

  4. I’m self-employed, I guess “I love being my own boss”!!! 😉 my husband loves to see me masturbate! I do it once in a while, that excites both of us, we end up having wild, dirty, kinky sex! I love masturbation as I love my husband!!! Nothing wrong by doing that! Completely normal, healthy and awesome feeling! We’ve been married for almost 12 yrs now! Nothing will change, except the fact that we get nastier and more creative wild ways of making love! I just got turned on by typing this! And here I go! Bye , lovelies XoXo

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