It has come to our attention that some of the lesser of our followers are a tad squeamish using the Anti-Masturbation Cross® on their children. While Brother Lonnie and God will deal with you eventually, in the meantime the Faithscientists at Brother Lonnie’s University of Faithfacts (B.L.U.F.F.) have come up with a more “humane” manner to curb a child’s masturbatory urges. We call it The Rodger® in honor of Brother Lonnie’s deceased brother who recently lost his personal battle to masturbation.
As good Christian parents we think about our children masturbating all the time and the ways in which to control the little heathens sinful urges. While the Anti-Masturbation Cross® is more hands on in its technique we have developed the Anti-Masturbation Underwear® for your child. When the child is placed in bed with the Underwear® for an evening of sin free rest, the alarm is armed so that any movement inside the underwear (such as a hand reaching for a sin stick or sin cave) alerts the parents that their child is on a pathway to Hell fire and brimstone unless immediate action takes place.
Being that Brother Lonnie has taken several general education online courses from Bob Jones University he is uniquely qualified to advise on how best to discipline your children. He finds that public humiliation such as that he experienced when caught self-raping to a picture of black pop singing sensation Tina Turner. Take your child to your local church and force him or her to confess to the congregation then take your child to their school so that they can confess to their peers as well. Finally, we recommend alerting the local police and having your child registered as a sex offender.
Through hard work, diligence and a little help from technology we can realize Brother Lonnie’s dream of a self-rape free America!