The Latest in Anti-Masturbation Technology for Children

We heard the complaints from our more delicate followers

It has come to our attention that some of the lesser of our followers are a tad squeamish using the Anti-Masturbation Cross® on their children. While Brother Lonnie and God will deal with you eventually, in the meantime the Faithscientists at Brother Lonnie’s University of Faithfacts (B.L.U.F.F.)  have come up with a more “humane” manner to curb a child’s masturbatory urges.  We call it The Rodger® in honor of Brother Lonnie’s deceased brother who recently lost his personal battle to masturbation.

As good Christian parents we think about our children masturbating all the time and the ways in which to control the little heathens sinful urges. While the Anti-Masturbation Cross® is more hands on in its technique we have developed the Anti-Masturbation Underwear® for your child. When the child is placed in bed with the Underwear® for an evening of sin free rest, the alarm is armed so that any movement inside the underwear (such as a hand reaching for a sin stick or sin cave) alerts the parents that their child is on a pathway to Hell fire and brimstone unless immediate action takes place.

Being that Brother Lonnie has taken several general education online courses from Bob Jones University he is uniquely qualified to advise on how best to discipline your children. He finds that public humiliation such as that he experienced when caught self-raping to a picture of black pop singing sensation Tina Turner. Take your child to your local church and force him or her to confess to the congregation then take your child to their school so that they can confess to their peers as well. Finally, we recommend alerting the local police and having your child registered as a sex offender.

Through hard work, diligence and a little help from technology we can realize Brother Lonnie’s dream of a self-rape free America!

About Carlos Danger 18 Articles
Staunch anti-masturbation Christian soldier and former lifelong Echo & the Bunnymen fan until I learned the dangers of secular music. Brother Lonnie saved me from a life of homoerotic servitude in which I was paid with food items from McDonald's value menu. I co-founded Christians Overcoming Carnal Knowledge (or COCK) to help former homogays test their firm commitment to a heterosexual lifestyle. I enjoy Gladiator movies, Top Gun and Christian fellowship with Latino men.

30 Comments on The Latest in Anti-Masturbation Technology for Children

    • Is this site a joke? cuz if they are serious, I think Im gonna hang myself. btw, christians are just shitty jews

    • You can’t rape yourself, it’s physically impossible. And when last I looked rape isn’t enjoyable when masturbating is fucking amazing. If anything it’s a gift from God. I’m sorry you felt guilty masturbating as a teenager. And by the way you can’t mentally rape someone, that too is impossible thanks to imagination, you can imagine consensual sex fuck-tard. Lonnie Childs is a cultist, a racist, sexist, a bigot, and an all around terrible human being. And I’ll probably be told I’m possessed by the Devil, but since he and God don’t exist, not in the sense that Christians believe anyway (ALIENS) that’s physically impossible too. This site should be shut down, and Lonnie should be behind bars.

      • A good device, I hope it stops many children from masturbating, dry orgasms are extremely addictive, and can even lead to a child doing it 10-20 times a day, praying for a friend called Leon, who discovered it a 8, and his friend told me, from 13-15, he was so hooked, he used to masturbate up to 20 times a day- hope he has stopped, or cut down, as that is a serious deadly binge masturbation session.

  1. Korean jesus I think carlos’ eyepatch is sexy too. Read some of my other posts. I’ve been trying to get Carlos and Lonnie and Milton Grits together for a type of circle jerk where we touch each other’s sin sticks so that we aren’t self raping. I’ve also tried to involve Truffle who I have renamed Fluffle in the action as a fluffer for us in case we lose our erections andiI’ve invited Cathy Redmound to be the clean up bitch but no takers yet.

  2. Lonald your organization is just a front for the klu klux clan. And I’m going to be at the top of your prayer leaderboard soon. Stupid bitches!

    • FALSE. jimmy, who offers complementary skin bleaching to those cursed with non-normal skin? WE do, not the klan. Hope that clears things up. Though a masturbator like you will conveniently forget about that fact as you desperately try to link us to that racist organization.

        I pray to god that he finds the strength to cure you from stupidity and ignorance of your own faults

  3. The product pictured above is a bed wetting alarm. I know because I bought one for my son.

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