A woman’s health is a priority to roughly half of the human population. It’s where babies are made and it’s also where they come from. For a man, making sure his same-race wife’s vagina is in proper working order is no different than taking care of his tools. For the lesser-gender, having a ship-shape vagina is a source of pride, while having a loose and smelly one is a source of shame.
Many of our readers have asked about the physical toll that female masturbation can have on their body. Unfortunately, the news isn’t good.
B.L.U.F.F. University scientist have conducted a study on the effects that female masturbation has on a woman’s vagina, thanks to a generous grant from the United States Health Department. During this study, we looked at both “foreign body insertion masturbation” and “outside the sin-cave masturbation.”
The main effect of foreign body insertion masturbation resulted in the dilation of a woman’s female orifice, resulting in the inability for said woman to be assigned to a proper same-race husband. A secondary result was damage to the baby making areas of the female body. For those who use an insertion device that incorporates movement (vibrators) a third result is a heavier than usual menstrual cycle.
The main effect of outside the sin-cave masturbation, mirrors the effects of the mechanical insertion device. Our faith scientists concluded that the rubbing, buzzing and vibrating movements associated with mechanical inserts and over the sin-cave masturbation methods actually shake-loose the woman’s uterus and causes irregular and heavy-flow menstrual cycles. The result of this means more time for the ladies in the menstrual hut and less time in the kitchen, bedroom and gathering hall.
If you ever catch a woman in your charge masturbating, or if you suspect that a woman in your charge has been masturbating, we suggest you take emergency action and follow these steps:
- Ice-down her lady-area
- Either convince the woman to hold her breath or obstruct her airway in 30 second increments.
- Administer a spanking. This will help reverse the dilation that occurred previously.
- Consult with an exorcist.