SAFFORD, ARIZ. — Masturbation is a sin that breaks God’s heart. Thus, the true soldiers of God have always been at war with The Masturbator. Professor Milton Grits explains how in the 20th Century the forces of good came together and struck down the enemy masturbator like a lightning bolt from the heavens. Permission to quote for school research, term papers, et cetera is granted provided proper credit is given.
Teaching a History Lesson at You Masturbators
by Prof. Milton H. Grits with Sister K. Truffle
As a professor of hermeneutics at Brother Lonnie’s University of FaithFacts™, and a licensed historian, I shall present an easy-to-digest account of our 20th Century fight against the forces of evil. From 1939 to 1945, what had what was called The World War Two. 60 million people lost their lives either indirectly or directly in this global conflict. Probably half of you were not even alive when it happened and know nothing about The World War Two other than having played Metals of Honor or The Duty Call on your Atari and Coleco sets. I’ll put it in terms so simple and common that even chronic self-rapers can understand them. I teach young people for a living, so I got this.
The Great War
It all happened because of The World War the First, in which many nations were allied with one another. When one fought another, all the rest of them were anxious to get in on it. You see, the large Hungaro-Austrian Empire wanted to keep the Yugos, i.e. the South Slavs in line. A hunderd years ago, a nationalist agitator down Serbia way named Gavrilo Prinzip, who made a habit of feverishly touching himself around monarchs, could not contain himself any longer. He parked his Yugo and walked over, grabbed his penis and shot the Archduke of Austria, Franz Ferdinand who was named after a popular British music group of the time. The Austrians said “Well, screw that, we are sick of your shenanigans and will bury you self-raping Yugos and your little cars once and for all!”
Since the Russians were allied with the Serbs in the great pan-Slavic alliance, the Czar mobilized their troops and semen around Austrian-Hungary and Germany too, who was allied with all their royalty, from the Duchy of Ballathon to the Principality of Goulasch. Germany mustered their troops and semen too. And since the sissy French were on Russia’s side, Germans marched in through the Belgiums to teach those Frenchies a lesson. That Kaiser was really on a roll!
America Enters World War I
All this hubbub angered Prime Minister Wilson Churchill and Queen Elizabeth, so they said, no, we will fight you in the trenches and on the beaches and so forth. And a then German penis-shaped torpedo sank the Lusitania cruise ship, which killed some Americans even though the cruise ship was actually was carrying weapontry for the British. President Woodrow Winston had to make money for the fat-cat arms merchants, so instead of keeping us out of war like he did promise, Americans went to war too and beat the Great Powers back. Many of our “doughboys” came back with cases of mustard gas from eating the European food.
Following the armistice, Woodrow Williston, the mysterious Colonel Edward House, the British Lord Baltimore Cecil and South African Jan Smut formed a panel called the Plague of Nations and made Germany sign the Treaty of Versace, which took away large parts of the country and obligated them not only to disarm but pay heavy reparations by purchasing expensive designer clothing.
Interwar Years: Depression, Inflation and Chaos
The end of the war left a lot of chaos in the Germany. The Kaiser fled to the Dutch in another part of Germany as the masturbators overran Berlin, and Germany went to the dogs, resulting in the Weimaraner Republic. After the masturbators took over, they printed a lot of money to pay off the Treaty of Versace and also for nude black & white pictures like Metropolis, Nosferatu, Doctor M’abuse and Dial M for Masturbator. These policies led to hyperinflation, since masturbators always spend money faster than they can make it. Economic crisis led to desperation as the German peoples elected the Commies, Nazi and Green Party to the Reichstag. Marinus van der Lube, a pyrophiliac Dutch masturbator, burned down the Reichstag and then the NSDAP (The Nasty Socialistische Dutch Arbeiter Partei) made the Adolf Hitler the Obama of Germany.
The Nazi Rise to Power
As the Obama of Germany, Adolf Hitler had unlimited dictatorial power, which means they gave him and the National Socialist Dutch Arbeiter Partei a say in everything. He built the Autobahns by saying here, here’s a shovel and some food rations and Kraftwerk records, so get to work you Krauts. The Krauts finally felt like they got their groove back. But Hitler and his henchmen fired all the Jewish lawyers and tailors and told them to get the hell out, even though he made it really hard for them to get out, since the jackbooted Nasties took all their money and paintings and broke all their windows, menorahs and tschotchkes on “Reichs Crystal Light.” Things started getting really rough for the Israeli people in Germany. They also nabbed all their guns, which may not have stopped the Nasties completely, but at least the Jewishers could have shot a few of the Nazi bastards while they were trying to put them in concentrated camps.
Fascism Advances in Europe
Indeed, dark clouds formed over Europe. Fascism had already swept over Italy with the rise of Benelli Mussolini. In Spain, the twelve-fingered General Victor Franco said “you don’t know Victor Franco” and held the country in the grip of his dirty dozen Phalanges. Hitler’s armies invaded countries in search of more “Lebensraum” (living rooms) to masturbate in. This was about the late 1930s, while America was watching Wizard of Oz and Ziegfield Follies on TV, so we were not really paying attention. But the forces of masturbation were really serious about world domination this time, and had to be stopped up. The Nazis annexed Austria and occupied Lebensraums in countries like Paris, Polacky, CheckoSlovaky and even the Commie Republics of the Soviet Russia.
America Prepares for War
At the time, the U.S. cooled its heels and stayed mostly out of sight. But President Howard Delano Roosevelt happened to be a good friend of Wilton Churchill’s, who named himself after a bar in Miami, Florida. Roosevelt loved the British and their Music Hall and all their TV programs like The Monty Python and Benny Hill Shows. He was determined not to let the Jerries (the Germans) beat up on England again, so to get a piece of the action, he pulled the same trick like Woodrow Winston and the Loositania with getting the Germans to sink our ships by U-boat so we would have a good excuse to get all up in their business too.
War in Asia and America’s Entry
In Asia, the Emperor of Japan sought to create the so-called “Greater Co-Prosperity Sphere” – by force. In China, the Fapanese killed every Chinaman they could get their hands on and raped the entire city of Nanking. Survivors witnessed Japanasian troops bathing and masturbating in the Yangtze River after the massacre. These atrocities are hard to believe, but they happened. Then, they bombed the American Navy fleet in Pearl Necklace Harbor, Hawaii in a sneak attack. The American people got really worked up about that and made a really bad picture with Ben Affleck and Kate Beckinsdale telling the story of it.
Roosevelt said in his Fireside Theatre chat that it was “a day that would live in infantry,” and we started making our own military-industrial complications. He then sent our boys over to join the Brits in hot-ass Africa, then landed in Little Italy. After some dustups, they told Benelli Mussolini to get-a the hell out, you’re not-a welcome here-a no more.
Allies Make Decisive Gains
The Yanks then got with the Britishers and Snow Mexicans and invaded France on The D-Day and gave les Bosch das Boot. General Dick van Patton was a great American commander and leader. Patton took the Third Army and crossed the Rhine Lake. He famously used to slap troops silly if they even touched themselves in their tents. It is leaders like him what we need today! He wanted to let the Germans fight the Russians just a little more, because he knew Nastie and Communist masturbators were cut from the same Kleenex and knew a cold war was coming after that war was over. The higher-ups didn’t like his no-nonsense attitude and said he died in a jeep accident while polishing his pistol.
In the European theatre, we have the brave troops of the Allied Forces who fought for faith and freedom on the side of God to thank for stopping the masturbating hordes of self-raping Nazis and their She-Wolves and concentrated camps and what-not. The remaining Nazi types got strung up at the Nuremberg Trial or fled to Argentina and the South Pole.
In the Pacific, we really gave the Japs the what-for on the islands and everywhere else. We then dropped two F-Bombs on the Japan, which were so effective they wiped out all masturbation in the cities of Hiroshima and Nag Champa in one day. The sneaky Japanesian threat was nipped in the bud. The battle of The World War Two was won, and the forces of good were victorious… for now.
So there you have the struggles against evil in 20th Century in a nutshell. Now you know the importance of why we fight masturbation to this day.
God Bless Some of You,
Milton H. Grits
Professor of History and Hermeneutics
Brother Lonnie’s University of FaithFacts™
With kind encouragement and assistance from
Sister K. Truffle
Note: Be sure to sign up for our new course, ‘Normal vs. Non-Normal History 2021’ when you register for the Fall Semester!