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A History Lesson to the Masturbators

SAFFORD, ARIZ. — Masturbation is a sin that breaks God’s heart. Thus, the true soldiers of God have always been at war with The Masturbator.  Professor Milton Grits explains how in the 20th Century the forces of  good came together and struck down the enemy masturbator like a lightning bolt from the heavens. Permission to quote for school research, term papers, et cetera is granted provided proper credit is given.

Teaching a History Lesson at You Masturbators
by Prof. Milton H. Grits with Sister K. Truffle

As a professor of hermeneutics at Brother Lonnie’s University of FaithFacts™, and a licensed historian, I shall present an easy-to-digest account of our 20th Century fight against the forces of evil. From 1939 to 1945, what had what was called The World War Two. 60 million people lost their lives either indirectly or directly in this global conflict. Probably half of you were not even alive when it happened and know nothing about The World War Two other than having played Metals of Honor or The Duty Call on your Atari and Coleco sets. I’ll put it in terms so simple and common that even chronic self-rapers can understand them. I teach young people for a living, so I got this.

gavrilo

Gavrilo Princip, SINstigator of The World War One

The Great War

It all happened because of The World War the First, in which many nations were allied with one another. When one fought another, all the rest of them were anxious to get in on it. You see, the large Hungaro-Austrian Empire wanted to keep the Yugos, i.e. the South Slavs in line. A hunderd years ago,  a nationalist agitator down Serbia way named Gavrilo Prinzip, who made a habit of feverishly touching himself around monarchs, could not contain himself any longer. He parked his Yugo and walked over, grabbed his penis and shot the Archduke of Austria, Franz Ferdinand  who was named after a popular British music group of the time. The Austrians said “Well, screw that, we are sick of your shenanigans and will bury you self-raping Yugos and your little cars once and for all!”

Since the Russians were allied with the Serbs in the great pan-Slavic alliance, the Czar mobilized their troops and semen around Austrian-Hungary and Germany too, who was allied with all their royalty, from the Duchy of Ballathon to the Principality of Goulasch. Germany mustered their troops and semen too. And since the sissy French were on Russia’s side, Germans marched in through the Belgiums to teach those Frenchies a lesson. That Kaiser was really on a roll!

America Enters World War I

All this hubbub angered Prime Minister Wilson Churchill and Queen Elizabeth, so they said, no, we will fight you in the trenches and on the beaches and so forth. And a then German penis-shaped torpedo sank the Lusitania cruise ship, which killed some Americans even though the cruise ship was actually was carrying weapontry for the British. President Woodrow Winston had to make money for the fat-cat arms merchants, so instead of keeping us out of war like he did promise, Americans went to war too and beat the Great Powers back. Many of our “doughboys” came back with cases of mustard gas from eating the European food.

Following the armistice, Woodrow Williston, the mysterious Colonel Edward House, the British Lord Baltimore Cecil and South African Jan Smut formed a panel called the Plague of Nations and made Germany sign the Treaty of Versace, which took away large parts of the country and obligated them not only to disarm but pay heavy reparations by purchasing expensive designer clothing.

wwi

As history teaches us, masturbation leads to Nazism

Interwar Years: Depression, Inflation and Chaos

The end of the war left a lot of chaos in the Germany. The Kaiser fled to the Dutch in another part of Germany as the masturbators overran Berlin, and Germany went to the dogs, resulting in the Weimaraner Republic. After the masturbators took over, they printed a lot of money to pay off the Treaty of Versace and also for nude black & white pictures like Metropolis, Nosferatu, Doctor M’abuse and Dial M for Masturbator. These policies led to hyperinflation, since masturbators always spend money faster than they can make it. Economic crisis led to desperation as the German peoples elected the Commies, Nazi and Green Party to the Reichstag.  Marinus van der Lube, a pyrophiliac Dutch masturbator, burned down the Reichstag and then the NSDAP (The Nasty Socialistische Dutch Arbeiter Partei) made the Adolf Hitler the Obama of Germany.

The Nazi Rise to Power

patternsofforce

Leaders of the Nazi Party

As the Obama of Germany, Adolf Hitler had unlimited dictatorial power, which means they gave him and the National Socialist Dutch Arbeiter Partei a say in everything. He built the Autobahns by saying here, here’s a shovel and some food rations and Kraftwerk records, so get to work you Krauts. The Krauts finally felt like they got their groove back. But Hitler and his henchmen fired all the Jewish lawyers and tailors and told them to get the hell out, even though he made it really hard for them to get out, since the jackbooted Nasties took all their money and paintings and broke all their windows, menorahs and tschotchkes on “Reichs Crystal Light.” Things started getting really rough for the Israeli people in Germany. They also nabbed all their guns, which may not have stopped the Nasties completely, but at least the Jewishers could have shot a few of the Nazi bastards while they were trying to put them in concentrated camps.

110-AugustCockpit

The Heroic Fight for Faith and Family Values

Fascism Advances in Europe

Indeed, dark clouds formed over Europe. Fascism had already swept over Italy with the rise of Benelli Mussolini. In Spain, the twelve-fingered General Victor Franco said “you don’t know Victor Franco” and held the country in the grip of his dirty dozen Phalanges. Hitler’s armies invaded countries in search of more “Lebensraum” (living rooms) to masturbate in. This was about the late 1930s, while America was watching Wizard of Oz and Ziegfield Follies on TV, so we were not really paying attention. But the forces of masturbation were really serious about world domination this time, and had to be stopped up. The Nazis annexed Austria and occupied Lebensraums in countries like Paris, Polacky, CheckoSlovaky and even the Commie Republics of the Soviet Russia.

America Prepares for War

At the time, the U.S. cooled its heels and stayed mostly out of sight. But President Howard Delano Roosevelt happened to be a good friend of Wilton Churchill’s, who named himself after a bar in Miami, Florida. Roosevelt loved the British and their Music Hall and all their TV programs like The Monty Python and Benny Hill Shows. He was determined not to let the Jerries (the Germans) beat up on England again, so to get a piece of the action, he pulled the same trick like Woodrow Winston and the Loositania with getting the Germans to sink our ships by U-boat so we would have a good excuse to get all up in their business too.

Jap3

“Wash up early, rush out door. Give Jap time to wank more”

War in Asia and America’s Entry

In Asia, the Emperor of Japan sought to create the so-called “Greater Co-Prosperity Sphere” – by force. In China, the Fapanese killed every Chinaman they could get their hands on and raped the entire city of Nanking. Survivors witnessed Japanasian troops bathing and masturbating in the Yangtze River after the massacre. These atrocities are hard to believe, but they happened. Then, they bombed the American Navy fleet in Pearl Necklace Harbor, Hawaii in a sneak attack. The American people got really worked up about that and made a really bad picture with Ben Affleck and Kate Beckinsdale telling the story of it.

Roosevelt said in his Fireside Theatre chat that it was “a day that would live in infantry,” and we started making our own military-industrial complications. He then sent our boys over to join the Brits in hot-ass Africa, then landed in Little Italy. After some dustups, they told Benelli Mussolini to get-a the hell out, you’re not-a welcome here-a no more.

patton

General Patton slapped and humiliated soldiers who were caught masturbating

Allies Make Decisive Gains

The Yanks then got with the Britishers and Snow Mexicans and invaded France on The D-Day and gave les Bosch das Boot. General Dick van Patton was a great American commander and leader. Patton took the Third Army and crossed the Rhine Lake. He famously used to slap troops silly if they even touched themselves in their tents. It is leaders like him what we need today! He wanted to let the Germans fight the Russians just a little more, because he knew Nastie and Communist masturbators were cut from the same Kleenex and knew a cold war was coming after that war was over. The higher-ups didn’t like his no-nonsense attitude and said he died in a jeep accident while polishing his pistol.

stg3

Remote-control Nazi weapons from The World War II such as the StG 44 autoerotic rifle are still used today by Muslamics so they can masturbate while fighting.

Final Victory

In the European theatre, we have the brave troops of the Allied Forces who fought for faith and freedom on the side of God to thank for stopping the masturbating hordes of self-raping Nazis and their She-Wolves and concentrated camps and what-not. The remaining Nazi types got strung up at the Nuremberg Trial or fled to Argentina and the South Pole.

In the Pacific, we really gave the Japs the what-for on the islands and everywhere else. We then dropped two F-Bombs on the Japan, which were so effective they wiped out all masturbation in the cities of Hiroshima and Nag Champa in one day. The sneaky Japanesian threat was nipped in the bud. The battle of The World War Two was won, and the forces of good were victorious… for now.

So there you have the struggles against evil in 20th Century in a nutshell. Now you know the importance of why we fight masturbation to this day.

God Bless Some of You,

Milton H. Grits
Professor of History and Hermeneutics
Brother Lonnie’s University of FaithFacts™

With kind encouragement and assistance from
Sister K. Truffle
B.L.U.F.F. UK

Note: Be sure to sign up for our new course, ‘Normal vs. Non-Normal History 2021’ when you register for the Fall Semester!

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Deon Adar
9 years ago

Excellent synopsis of what REALLY happened! I will loaddown a copy of this for my son to read!

tomasmaria
tomasmaria
9 years ago

Dear Professor, your text is full of errors, I wont start a debate with you .. but at least write the names correctly BENITO MUSSOLINI and FRANCISCO FRANCO and so on and so on… basically all of your names are wrong. May I ask why?

Nikita Shalavin
9 years ago
Reply to  tomasmaria

Tomasmaria, the man is a historian. If the names are spelled differently in your notes, than perhaps it’s you who are mistaken.

tomasmaria
tomasmaria
9 years ago

Dear Nikita Shalavin if you did just 2 min of research you would find out yourself.

Do you know why the bible is written in English? Because Jesus loves America the most.

Nikita Shalavin
9 years ago
Reply to  tomasmaria

I Bing searched “Treaty of Versace” and found that there really was such a woman, and her name was spelled correctly.

King Lonald Holy Bible was written in American, because Lonnie is an American.

tomasmaria
tomasmaria
9 years ago

Can you search more than only one event/name maybe?

The last one was a joke.

And what is King Lonalds Holy Bible?

treaty of versace and adolf hitler and kraftwerk are the 3 things spelled correctly here…and O B A M A …. This is 4 out of 20. Still pretty bad if you ask me…

Nikita Shalavin
9 years ago
Reply to  tomasmaria

King Lonalds Holy Bible is the latest updated version of Gods message to man kind.

tomasmaria
tomasmaria
9 years ago

sorry I misspelled myself this time 🙂 it is not the Treaty of Versace but the Treaty of Versailles. And what is the name of that woman you found?

tomasmaria
tomasmaria
9 years ago
Reply to  Milton Grits

Hello Mr Grits, Do you believe that NSDAP stands for The Nasty Socialistische Dutch Arbeiter Partei and not for The National Socialist German Workers’ Party, in German: Nationalsozialistische Deutsche Arbeiterpartei, abbreviated NSDAP? (if you do so it is a very serious mistake you are mixing up two countries and btw there is no such thing as the nasty socialistische dutch arbeiter partei) Benelli Mussolini, as you call him, was an Italian politician, dictator and facist. His name was BENITO not Benelli (he is not called Benelli any place in the world, not even in the UK or US) General Victor… Read more »

Nikita Shalavin
9 years ago
Reply to  tomasmaria

Tomasmaria as far as we are concerned, it’s your word against Professor Milton’s. And I’ll take a word of an esteemed historian over a Mexican masturbator any day of the week.

Pearl Harbor was an awful movie, don’t you dare deny this!

tomasmaria
tomasmaria
9 years ago

Now you are being rude, why do you call me a Mexican masturbator? Is it because I ask questions? You dont know who I am, where I come from or what I do. So please lets stay to the facts. Mr Grits may be the best professor in the whole history of humanity, but still he is saying wrong things. I repeat, search for yourself, RE-SEARCH! And you will find the truth! Search dont listen blindly to people just because they have a title and you will get much further in life. You dont need to believe me, just have… Read more »

Cassidy Pen
9 years ago

I agree with everything Nikita wrote. The Pearl Harbor movie DID blow chunks, at least until Doolittle’s Raid near the end, but what pain it is to sit through until that scene!

tomasmaria
tomasmaria
9 years ago
Reply to  Milton Grits

Ok I get it Dr Grits. You don’t know the language. Deutsche means German while Dutch means Dutch (person from Holland), you just changed Deutsche into Dutch (THAT IS TO MISINFORM). This probably happened when reading what the abbreviation NSDAP stands for (it stands for the name of a political party, abbreviated from, note carefully, German language) Nationalsozialistische Deutsche Arbeiterpartei meaning The National Socialist German Workers’ Party. How did you manage to translate it into The Nasty Socialistische Dutch Arbeiter Partei or as you write late rin the text the National Socialist Dutch Arbeiter Partei and where did you get… Read more »

Truffle
9 years ago
Reply to  tomasmaria

Oh boy, are you gona get a German lesson now!

tomasmaria
tomasmaria
9 years ago
Reply to  Milton Grits

Ok, so you write Dutch (person from Holland) instead of Deutsche (person from Germany) to make it easier to understand?

It is not very smart since they stand for two different nationalities.

tomasmaria
tomasmaria
9 years ago
Reply to  Milton Grits

and still, the phonetic spelling doesnt excuse these misspellings

Benelli Mussolini, why not BENITO?

General Victor Franco, why not FRANCISCO?

Howard Delano Roosevelt, why not FRANKLIN? It is your famous president abbreviated FDR FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSVELT

tomasmaria
tomasmaria
9 years ago
Reply to  Milton Grits

Mr Professor in History. Dutch and Deutsche are not the same! Germany and Holland were not the same. Even if the third reich expanded that far in late first half of nineteenth century. That map is showing the expansion of the third reich and netherland was under the reich. But they were not germans! In the same way greeks were not romans when the romans conquered them and made greece part of the sacred roman empire. Or Italians were not french when conquered by french napoleon and became part of his empire, and were tought french at school.. In reply… Read more »

tomasmaria
tomasmaria
9 years ago
Reply to  Milton Grits

German and Dutch are not the same when spoken, believe me. I live here in Europe! And I’ve studied and travelled in both germany and holland, just because their language is expressive doesnt mean its the same, even thou it might sound so for your ears. And this doesnt give you the permission to mix em up as you want!

Nikita Shalavin
9 years ago
Reply to  Milton Grits

Tomas what is your point? Are you saying that Pearl Harbor was a good movie because the Dutch like it better than the Douche?

You are SO confused. I think I will pray at you.

truth out
truth out
9 years ago

Just how much LSD did you guys do back during WWII?

Truffle
9 years ago
Reply to  truth out

The masturbators were known for smoking The EllisDee bongs, this is true. They smoked lots of it.

wonya
wonya
9 years ago

I really enjoy reading True history, I am tired of the slanted version pushed by Big Masturbation.

Truffle
9 years ago
Reply to  wonya

Thank you for your positive feedback and for showing such wisdom in refusing to believe the lies spread by Big Masturbation.

Praise and Lonnie bless you for eternity. Amen.

wonya
wonya
9 years ago
Reply to  Truffle

Thank-you for your encouragement. it means alot tooo me.Even coming from a lesser-engendered but still equal. Remember, even though you are weak,Truffle+Lonnie=PowerfullMightyStreghth

Truffle
9 years ago
Reply to  wonya

Spoken like a true Lonvidian. With Lonnie by my side, I surely am more blessed than any self-raping, lesser-gendered. And thankful for it.

It’s been a pleasure to make your acquaintance.

Richard
Richard
9 years ago

“Probably half of you were not even alive when it happened and know nothing about The World War Two other than having played Metals of Honor or The Duty Call on your Atari and Coleco sets… I teach young people for a living, so I got this.”

Yup, this line proves you have a connection with kids.

Oh wait it doesn’t…

Truffle
9 years ago
Reply to  Richard

Professor Brother Milton, spends every waking hour teaching the youth at BLUFF. It’s what he lives for. Your argument is invalid.

Praying AT you.

Richard
Richard
9 years ago
Reply to  Truffle

FYI:
It’s “Medal of Honor” and “Call of Duty”. And these games came out on the Playstation and Xbox, the Atari and Coleco sets have never had these games. Those 2 systems are about as old as a typewriter Every kid knows this, and will laugh his ass off reading this.

Pray at me Broh!

Truffle
9 years ago
Reply to  Richard

Ms Dick, your brain has become cloudy by masturbation induced psychosis. Every child knows, these electronic gaming machines are the latest models.

No amount of praying AT you will help, but I will continue, as it is my duty.

Dexter Battygarten iii

Great article Brother Moe and lesser gendered assistant; Praise! it really is amazing the things you find out when you put a little effort into finding out a thing or two about the world around you; it really set me thinking. Now,i don’t want to be an armchair historian here, but it seems to me from your summary that what really let Hitler down in the two world wars was his horrifically disorganised racial policy and the fact that he was always in thrall to big masturbation interests. Most conventional historians, like Noam Chomsky and the Discovery channel agree that… Read more »

Cathy Redmond
9 years ago

This, along with prayer, should be taught in all American schools.

Praise.

Joop van der Smut
Joop van der Smut
9 years ago

Is it possible that all of these problems stem from the fact that Europeans were such tight underpants, such as nylon bikini briefs and such?

Jerry
Jerry
9 years ago

Those people on a picture are leaders of nazi party? really?

Charles
Charles
9 years ago

A great article. I love history.

Truffle
9 years ago
Reply to  Charles

Praise on high, Charles!

It warms my heart when folks enjoy reading the true #FaithFacts of History.

Amen… Amen… Amen!

Marcos Sartori
9 years ago

Really can’t tell if it is supposed to be serious or a parody…

Queen Elizabeth on WW1… Franz Ferdinand being named after the band, not the other way around…

Truffle
9 years ago
Reply to  Marcos Sartori

Ms Marcos,

I pray Lonnie and Jesus H Christ, take mercy on your lost soul.

SomeFrenchGuy
SomeFrenchGuy
9 years ago

I’m far too busy masturbating to read any of this

Truffle
9 years ago
Reply to  SomeFrenchGuy

That’s because you’re French, a heathen and your nation of masturhaters achieved nothing during The Wars, part 1 or too.

SomeFrenchGuy
SomeFrenchGuy
9 years ago
Reply to  Truffle

Lolololol
I’m guessing you haven’t actually studied WWI or have any knowledge on the French Resistence.

Truffle
9 years ago
Reply to  SomeFrenchGuy

Resist against masturbation? No, you laid down and took it like a cheap harlot from the Moulin Rouge.

SomeFrenchGuy
SomeFrenchGuy
9 years ago
Reply to  Truffle

Why would the French Resistence be about masturbation? That’s a waist of our time if it’s 1942 and we have Nazi trucks and trains to blow up.

SomeFrenchGuy
SomeFrenchGuy
9 years ago
Reply to  Truffle

Thanks for proving my point though.

Truffle
9 years ago

I like you, Frenchie, even if you do come from a land of garlic breathing, Satan worshippers. You just need to swot up on the #FaithFacts, maybe enroll on one of Prof. Milton’s History classes next semester, at BLUFF. Knowledge is power, don’t be another statistic!

SomeFrenchGuy
SomeFrenchGuy
9 years ago
Reply to  Truffle

I’m sorry that I’m so busy reading up on history and having sex with my girlfriend to actually believe that your trolling is sincere and legitimate, but the satire on this webite is so obvious that I’m shocked that people think you guys are being serious. But I’m just a Christian Bisexual Frenchman in his Mid-Twenties who majoured in History and has way too much sex to not be considered the biggest sinner ever so honestly who has the time to listen to me point out that this website was made by Trolls? I’m a French stereotype that’s been studying… Read more »

SomeFrenchGuy
SomeFrenchGuy
9 years ago
Reply to  Milton Grits

Came back for a visit. Also here are me re-re-complaints. -Saying ‘we use the British spelling’ doesn’t mean you can misspell the names of people such as Winston Churchill who was British himself. You referred to him as ‘Wilson’ and you have Queen Elizabeth’s reign set to the wrong dates. Did you skip the existence of Kind George V and King George VI in history class? I use British spelling and you cannot tell me that British spelling means that you can get everyone’s names wrong and expect me to not think you are trolling. -Again, I think you missed… Read more »

Truffle
9 years ago
Reply to  SomeFrenchGuy

The only ‘trolls’ here, are the masturbators, like you.

Allow Lonnie into your heart, take the SMN pledge and enroll yourself at BLUFF, for the love of God!

SomeFrenchGuy
SomeFrenchGuy
9 years ago
Reply to  Truffle

So by me replying with valid arguments and your response saying just that I’m wrong, I’m the Troll?
Sounds like Troll logic to me.

dexter battygarten iii
Reply to  SomeFrenchGuy

why do all these pagans find Jesus so hard to believe in when they still believe in trolls? smh at all of them.

SomeFrenchGuy
SomeFrenchGuy
9 years ago
Reply to  SomeFrenchGuy

I am a Christian, not Pagan.

SomeFrenchGuy
SomeFrenchGuy
9 years ago
Reply to  SomeFrenchGuy

Oh wait, I just got the joke. ‘Still believe in Trolls’. That’s actually pretty funny!

SomeFrenchGuy
SomeFrenchGuy
9 years ago
Reply to  SomeFrenchGuy

You can’t just say ‘Youre wrong!’ and run away like that. You haft to have some sort of argument. You see why I’m calling you a troll? Try a real argument and/or stop being obvious.

SomeFrenchGuy
SomeFrenchGuy
9 years ago
Reply to  Truffle

At least Milton Grits was replying with some kind of argument, regardless of the fact that I was able to counter it. You can’t just go “You’re wrong!” that just makes you look like more of a Troll.

dexterbattygarteniii
9 years ago
Reply to  SomeFrenchGuy

well you’re wrong about everything anyway and I expect you sir, do look like a troll, like all the rest of you cheese eating surrender monkeys.
Praise and Brotherly Love!!!

SomeFrenchGuy
SomeFrenchGuy
9 years ago
Reply to  SomeFrenchGuy

You can’t just say ‘Youre wrong!’ and run away like that. You haft to have some sort of argument. You see why I’m calling you a troll? Try a real argument and/or stop being obvious.

dexterbattygarteniii
9 years ago
Reply to  SomeFrenchGuy

I don’t have to have any sort of argument at all, I have God on my side. 🙂 I’m real sorry to hear this whole masturbation situation has you annoyed but I’m not a historian. i wish i could help. 🙁 Say, If you have real complaints about this article, why don’t you take it up with Professer Milton Grits instead of bothering me with it. He is the one who wrote it, if you look carefully at the top of the article. . He’s here a lot and very approachable and always happy to talk to a student or… Read more »

SomeFrenchGuy
SomeFrenchGuy
9 years ago
Reply to  SomeFrenchGuy

Trollolololololololololololollolololololol

SomeFrenchGuy
SomeFrenchGuy
9 years ago
Reply to  SomeFrenchGuy

I’ve also noticed that some of my comments have disappeared. Do you not want to be discovered as a Troll?

augustweisz
Admin
9 years ago

Some have said that Lonnie looked up to Patton as a boy.

Ben Oliver
Ben Oliver
9 years ago

Hahaha oooh my, this is the single most outrageous article I have ever read. The blatant mistakes are to many to count and I wonder about the sanity of the author. Blaming WWII on masterbation and people who masterbate is a sceriously delusional concept, it reminds me of delusions that people with schizophrenia come up with. I have never ever heard of someone doing any real hard by masterbating, I have a million times and I turned out just fine. It is a natural part of being human, just as sex is natural. You wouldn’t be writing this garbage if… Read more »

Ben Oliver
Ben Oliver
9 years ago

Oh an any device that is used to physically restrain a child is child abuse and should be punished by law.

dexterbattygarteniii
9 years ago
Reply to  Ben Oliver

what about a seat belt?

oh, it must SMART to be you, right now.