Big Masturbation To Use ‘Crisis Actors’ On New SMN Facebook Page

Unrepentant masturbatory mercenaries set to launch disinformation offensive

WEST PALM BEACH, FLA — (SMNNN) An unnamed source that claims to have infiltrated into the shady Big Masturbation organization has asserted that the group plans to use “crisis actors” to derail discussion on the newly christened Stop Masturbation Now Facebook netpage.

For the uninitiated, ‘crisis actors’ are hired guns who are sent to a live event or netsite to pretend to be suffering from trauma. In this particular case, Big Masturbation allegedly plans to send individuals to the “posts by others” section that claim to know firsthand the horrors of masturbation or that have previously taken Lonnie’s pledge to stop masturbating. In fact, these individuals are unrepentant masturbatory mercenaries that are only there to help fund their pornography addictions.

While it’s not known entirely what Big Masturbation hopes to gain by this offensive, my source speculated, “(Big Masturbation) hopes that by setting up a false sense of security on the new Facebook page that actual conversion and outreach work will slow. With a bunch of new faces claiming to be saved by Lonnie, the hope appears to be that Lonnie’s faith workers will get lazy and miss posts by actual masturbators who have come there to be saved.”

It is unknown if this sleeper cell of ‘crisis actors’ has been activated and sent to the new Facebook netpage as of yet. Brother Vince Klorthow from SMN’s “Brother Lonnie’s University of Faith Facts” sociology department said that this tactic is not unheard of and that, “They (crisis actors) can be used in drills to simulate actual emergencies. But, this seems like it’s a credible threat and these actors could do real damage. Big Masturbation would unfortunately have the resources to keep these masturbators housed in a facility and feed them steady injections of amphetamines so they could attempt to deceive the Holy Brothers and Sisters at all hours of the day or night. As an organization, SMN is prepared for this and has security measures already in place, but all Lonvidians should remain vigilant.”

Despite Brother Klorthow’s encouraging words, I know I will be looking a little more carefully at any unknowns, especially non-normals, that come out of the woodwork and claim to be a Lonvidian over the next few weeks. Praise.

The newly blessed Stop Masturbation Now Facebook netpage can be found at:


Cathy Redmond, reporting for

Cathy can be reached via her own netsite or on Facebook‘s netsite.

About Cathy Redmond 104 Articles
Cathy Redmond is a graduate of University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire, earning degrees in English and Political Science. She likes long walks in the desert, strong Conservative leadership and America.

8 Comments on Big Masturbation To Use ‘Crisis Actors’ On New SMN Facebook Page

  1. We can never be fooled by a bunch of bad actors! Our men are too smart for that!

    • You’re missing the point. They aren’t necessarily “fake” masturbators as much as they’re musturbators without shame. Woe to those who are so deep under Satan’s spell that they do his bidding through Big Masturbation, for their fate is secured in the depths of hell.

      • Exactly, Brother Cassidy. These “crisis actors” are masturbators who are pretending they want Lonnie’s guidance and in fact they are just there to waste Lonnie’s time and prevent him from helping actual masturbators looking to change.


  2. I’ve abstained from the traumatizing myself from the horrors of masturbation for 10 years. My dad barely survived the masturbation holocaust that was caused by homogays with the Neutral Aids (that was how they able to live a normal life they just got colds alot.) Lonnie Childs with the help of Fappy have helped me out. Pornos made my the gayosexual Big Masturbation industry have been known to create demons that send you to another dimension and then kill you. That’s why it’s always good to go to the Christian Porn store with holy porn. See the movie “The Lock In.” about a pornomag summoning a demon.

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