Europe’s Newest Country: Taxes Optional, Masturbation Illegal

Liberland: First Nation in History to be Liberated from Masturbation

LIBERLAND, EUROPE – Europe’s newest country, the tiny nation of Liberland, was heralded into existence earlier this week. The new nation-state, situated on the banks of the Danube River on a strip of land between Croatia and Serbia, was created by Normal European citizens looking to escape the high tax and regulatory environment of continental Europe.

Although tiny, the sovereign nation of Liberland is larger than Monaco or Vatican City, which are also independent countries. According to the Constitution of Liberland, there will be no mandatory taxes and no provisions for a military except for a heavily armed citizen militia. In addition, free immigration is encouraged and the only exceptions are those who have a Nazi, Communist or extremist past or have been convicted of serious criminal offenses such as masturbation. The Constitution also abolishes the practice of masturbation within its borders.

To be considered for Liberlandian citizenship, applicants must:

  • Not be a Nazi, Communist or other extremist
  • Respect other Normals and their private property
  • Not have been convicted of serious offenses such as rape or self-rape
  • Take the Stop Masturbation Now pledge™

The country has already received approximately 25,000 applications for citizenship at press time.

liberstaff1
The Normals of Liberland abolished masturbation in their country and declared themselves fans of Lonnie Childs

“This is indeed a first. Liberland is a country that has been liberated from the scourge of masturbation as well as LIEberal ideologies such as Nazism or Marxism. It goes to show there are still a few brave Christian souls in Europe who want their children growing up knowing the true meaning of freedom,” said Pastor Lonnie Childs from his office at Brother Lonnie’s University of FaithFacts™ in Safford, Arizona. 

“I am appointing Brother Thomas Kelly as B.L.U.F.F.’s goodwill ambassador to this newest addition to the community of nations. I am sending him to discuss establishing a permanent mission as well as plans to invest in a motor scooter factory.”

Brother Nikita Shalavin is an ambassador to the Slavic race and can speak their language, Russian. I have sent a diplomatic cable to the President to ask the governing council of Liberland to consider adopting Brother Nikita’s anti-fapping hymn ‘Do Not Masturbate!’ as their national anthem. It will come to pass, God willing.” 

Milton H. Grits
Professor of History and Hermeneutics – B.L.U.F.F.

With kind encouragement and assistance from
Sister Kate Truffle – B.L.U.F.F. UK

3 Comments on Europe’s Newest Country: Taxes Optional, Masturbation Illegal

  1. When travelling to Uberland, be sure to use masturbation-free luggage. Such luggage is marked with California’s Proposition 65; this statement warns that such luggage can cause cancer if it physically contacts the sin zones.

  2. I cant wait to see the annual running of the Masterbator! Praise Lonald warm praise all over my face.

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