PYONGYANG, DPRK — (SMNNN) In a surprising move today, North Korean leader Kim Jong-un took time out from recording music with Snoop Dogg, to declare a recent film by Seth Rogen as an “act of war against all who oppose masturbation”. Rogen’s new film stars himself and fellow liberal masturbator and pot addict, James Franco, as masturbators who are tasked with assassinating world leaders such as Kim Jong-un and Lonnie Childs.
The state-run KCNA news agency referred to Rogen as a “masturbator” and asked the United States government to step in and ban the film. The Big Masturbation infiltrated US Government issued no response and is unwilling to even discuss the controversy in any way.
An unofficial spokesman for the Stop Masturbation Now movement, Brother Marty Stone, said the following, “The act of making and screening such a movie that portrays an attack on our top leadership is a most wanton act of terror and act of war, and is absolutely intolerable.” Lonnie Childs was unavailable for comment as he is currently overseas at an anti-masturbation world summit meeting in Iceland.
Brother Leo Colon at Brother Lonnie’s University of Faith Facts in Safford, Arizona also stated, “There is a special irony in this story line as it shows the desperation of Big Masturbation and masturbation culture in general.”
The North Koreans reluctantly offered support to Lonnie Childs and the Stop Masturbation Now movement; however BLUFF spokesman Colon said they are just assuming it was support. Since “no one here at BLUFF can speak that style of non-normal language. They could just be wanting to buy some surplus cat milk for all we know.”
The North Korean government has issued threats against other nations multiple times and never followed through with any of them. Especially since the death of their previous feared leader, Kim Jong-Il in 2011.
Lonvidians are most upset about the inclusion of our savior, Lonnie Childs, amongst such non-normal leaders as Kim Jong-Un and whichever non-normal is in control of Iraq this week. It just serves as further proof that Big Masturbation has dug their filthy talons even deeper into the U.S. Government and entertainment industry than previously thought.
Lonvidians can only hope this U.S. Government blessed “snuff film” gets buried by much more important documentary films set to release this October like “Paranormal Activity 5” and “Untitled New Line Horror Project.”
Cathy Redmond, reporting for StopMasturbationNow.org.