New Zealand, the World’s Self Rape Hell

An excerpt from the SMN FaithFact Book, available on Amazon and in the B.L.U.F.F. giftshop at a reduced rate of $59.99 for the four volume set.


New Zealand is a volcanic mass in the middle of the sea lying east of the Island nation of Austria. It has been proven that the earthquake and natural disasters which formed New Zealand were the point from which devils burst through the earth in the demonic ascension, one of Satanism’s blackest unholy days.

The Holy Bible contains countless references to this event. Ezekiel 16.3 speaks of “great rumblings of darkness where no souls care to tread” and the book of Lonvidicus describes of “those which thou better yet considered nay and herefore hath not been borne.” All this has now been confirmed. The earth was that of peace and blissful gardens of God’s creation until the day Satan tricked Eve. He had her tempt Adam using his appetite for her loins and fruits against him. Hell then broke loose. That very point where devils ejected Hell and burst out all over God’s Earth. That encouragement of seed spilling…is New Zealand.

Settled in Old Testament times by masturbating tribes of Maoyi people, or those adherent to chairman Mao’s style of communism. They used tactics like state run religious persuasion and penalty to persecute the people and enslave them in a masturbation bondage. At around 225 BC, their capital and most advanced civilization came to be the sprawling city of Masturbania

Recently completed B.L.U.F.F. excavations sponsored by the Foundation for a Better Tomorrow have unearthed disturbing FaithFacts about the Maoyi culture, who by the 5th century, became known as the Mao-Yang. They craved vegetables and cattle stock grown and grazed on nutrient-rich soil made disturbingly moist by hell’s fire. In fact, those pagans believed the hell fire rock to be perfect to cook on and use in a strange “pulling” ritual. They became a race of sodomites and, some argue, the first socialists.

So forsaken was the devil cursed hamlet of New Zealand that the first Caucasians to visit and conquer New Zealand were the lazy Dutch. England, France, and Spain passed on New Zealand. Even the Germans could not drum up the nationalistic will to dominate New Zealand.

The Dutch were not all that amazed to discover the natives in ceremonial circle jerks around lava beds near the core of the island. They eventually succeeded in trampling the Maomao under their jacked boots. The Dutch settlers were themselves escaping crackdowns on masturbation at home, but they found the island self rapers to be an easy conquest. The spoils came to be known as New Zealand. One may exercise self rape with a renewed zeal, or New Zealand. All this happened in the 16th century.

The Maoist tribes were not technically advanced in warfare, preferring a good choke to a fight. Where else would lonely masturbator people live but in a forgotten land all tucked away where no one can see? The resulting inbreed of white masturbators and theses Maoians created a mixed masturbation hell race.

Today, morality rates from respiratory illness and heart disease in New Zealand are higher than any red meat devouring nation on earth. The constant dust in the air, a mixture of fumes, hellish volcano ash, and masturbation residues, is a concern.

Thanks to all of you for the kind donations which provided facial coverings and masks for the B.L.U.F.F. Scientists who dug through the most hell cursed point on Earth.

New Zealand leads the world in those doomed for their devotion to Satan’s will. Masturbation and homogay lifestyles are not only allowed, but encouraged in the schools and entertainment culture that they wish to export to the rest of the world. Parents are advised to monitor their offspring for media material on Doomed New Zealand. Confiscate their Tiger Beat and Creem Magazines if you see write-ups and pictures of Mel Gibson or any of those alternative fluff-heads inside.

Praise Lonnie.

About Cassidy Pen 80 Articles
Cornelius Bartholomew “Cassidy” Pen, a retired US Marine, Actor, and Security Head-Receiver at B.L.U.F.F. Female Intake, now writes for a number of nationally respected news agencies. A winner of the prestigious Bill O'Reily "No-Spin" Award, Cassidy also runs a daytime street ministry to save souls from the sin of self rape. An avid hunter and manufacturer of distilled spirits, Cassidy would probably be found deep in the woods during his free time.
Contact: Website

15 Comments on New Zealand, the World’s Self Rape Hell

  1. Disgusting place! Only New Zealand can produce a filthy Mastertrilogy titled “lord of the Masturbaters” and that horrid self raping creature gollum gives me nightmares! Brother Lonald I could really use your infinite wisdom. Praise.

  2. You uneducated iditos even dont know the diffenence between Australia and Austria.
    And you think to tell people how to live?
    I really pray for you all!

  3. When will these self rapists see the error in their ways! And accept Brother lonnies golden shower of truth! Let lonnies wisdom surround, bind and penetrate you! Praise.

  4. The Dutch are still true to their lazy reputation. I, being Dutch myself and not proud of it, am deeply ashamed that my government refuses to create public awareness about the hazards of self rape even though it has been scientifically proven that it causes unwanted side effects like triple hell. It is not a coincidence that Amsterdam is the capital of hedonism and drug use. And i fear that this will expand to our next door neighbour Brussel, capital of Germany.
    At least i can keep my head up, knowing that i am now a proud non self rapist and am able to keep my hands to myself. But i still curse my lazy Dutch body for not being able to hold my precious seed inside, causing it to excrete it whilst urinating.

  5. What a load of crap go get a life! Nothing wrong with New Zealand but I’m sure there is definitely something wrong with you!!

  6. You people are certainly cracked!! Make sure you don’t get squirted on when you enter the gates of hell!! ⚡️

  7. I know my son will remeber the time he asked me to go to vacation there. I hope one day God strikes his soul just as my hand striked his face.

  8. We [in New Zealand] often still gather for the pulling ritual or circle of tug, lunchtime sees the largest gathering. Only last week my mate Rungi had masturbated so much he was blowing dust. Sometimes after a long lunch it is customary to ‘tea bag’ a nice cold glass of Foxton Fizz. Our hands bare the scares of self rape, we are in dire need of deliverance from from the moistness of Hells fire.
    I’ve yet to visit Masturbania, my mate Dave reckons its in the South Island, near Dunedin.

  9. Okay, it’s lord of the rings asshole, one of the most bible inspired stories of all time. Jesus is gandalf gollum is sin, and from is temptation. I highly doubt “masturbania” is a real place, and even if it is, it probably means some ting in their native language. People like you are the reason I have lost my faith in any god.

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