Shorts: Satan’s Garment

Short pants bring out the Devil in masturbators.

A new study by the Foundation For A Better Tomorrow resulted in the discovery that there is a significant increase in self-rape rates in the warmer months of the year. Faith Scientist, Brother Richie Brinkman made the startling conclusion that one of the key factors to this spike in masturbation statistics is due to the “wearing of shorts and other inappropriate summer wear” on “beaches and common American city streets”.

Brother Brinkman asserts that, “Lesser gendereds, and even some men, take to wearing clothing that exposes and form fits the sinful, erogenous zones of their body in such a way that the common self-rapist cannot contain themselves.”

Brother Brinkman feels that shorts are an inappropriate choice of clothing for any public occasion. “To be safe, I’d definitely recommend any ‘short pants’ be worn as a private undergarment that are only shown to your SRAS during the scheduled time of procreation as dictated to you by Lonnie Childs. Any other display of these ‘short pants’ is unacceptable.”

Brother Brinkman’s findings do appear to have merit outside of academia. The news is full of incidents of public masturbation this summer. The increase in public masturbation this year goes further in proving that when temperatures rise, those with loose morals go near-nude. As a result, public places are transformed into a masturbator’s playground.

Lonnie, forgive them, for they know not what they do.
Lonnie, forgive them, for they know not what they do.

While degrading clothing like shorts do appear to lead to increased incidents of masturbation, they are not solely to blame.

“You can’t entirely lay the blame on the ignorant lesser gendereds, and some men, who wear what I like to call ‘Satan’s garment’,” explains Brother Brinkman. “Many of them are naïve and are unaware they are contributing to a worldwide epidemic. The ultimate fault lies in the sick and damaged mind of the self-rapist. A good, pious man like myself would be able to look at the disgusting display of flesh, framed by the short pants, and have the inner resolve to prevent my godly hand from touching my procreation vessel. A self-rapist sees that same disgusting display, and due to his mental deficiencies from the masturbation diseases, is unable to show restraint.”

Much like his mentor, Brother Lonnie Childs, Brother Brinkman feels that complete safety from self-rapists can only be achieved by the imprisonment of all suspected masturbators. “It’s really the only surefire way to keep everyone safe,” concludes Brother Brinkman. “Until the glorious day where all masturbators are rotting behind bars, we must remain vigilant and never fall victim to the temptations that Satan and the liberals put in front us of on a daily basis.”

About Cathy Redmond 104 Articles

Cathy Redmond is a graduate of University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire, earning degrees in English and Political Science. She likes long walks in the desert, strong Conservative leadership and America.

8 Comments on Shorts: Satan’s Garment

  1. You are a ginger. gingers have no soul , how are you working here? Anyway , I am not sure if your findings are correct. How about we run a test for accuracy. Let’s say you slide into a nice tight pair of hip hugging shorts around what I assume is an absolutely sin worthy body. Take some shots of yourself. Maybe one or two of them with your top off showing a glimpse of those stellar heaving bosoms. If you do that for me and I do not rub one out than your data is incorrect. However , if I am overcome than I will have to take your story more serious and perhaps change many of the ways of my life. Until then though I will have no option but to masterbate furiously to that wonderful face of yours with that sexy little grin. So this is your opportunity , I am reaching out for you to save me. Hurry with those photo’s as I am worried my soul is nearly damned already.

  2. I notice that, although everyone knows what short shorts look like so a picture is unnecessary, you feel the need to illustrate them, twice. Do you realize just how much sexual fantasy you’ve inspired through this post? Just by showing these pictures while condemning them?

    All this wonderful self-righteousness you’re feeling and inspiring is just as libidinal as watching porn, but drastically more perverse and hypocritical.

    Your desire to talk about, show and condemn all these ‘sinful’ things is a very effective form of mental masturbation, while escaping the responsibility of having to admit your motivation and your feelings. It’s a well documented form of sadomasochism.

    But I’m not judging you. Enjoy!

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