Shorts: Satan’s Garment

A new study by the Foundation For A Better Tomorrow resulted in the discovery that there is a significant increase in self-rape rates in the warmer months of the year. Faith Scientist, Brother Richie Brinkman made the startling conclusion that one of the key factors to this spike in masturbation statistics is due to the “wearing of shorts and other inappropriate summer wear” on “beaches and common American city streets”.

Brother Brinkman asserts that, “Lesser gendereds, and even some men, take to wearing clothing that exposes and form fits the sinful, erogenous zones of their body in such a way that the common self-rapist cannot contain themselves.”

Brother Brinkman feels that shorts are an inappropriate choice of clothing for any public occasion. “To be safe, I’d definitely recommend any ‘short pants’ be worn as a private undergarment that are only shown to your SRAS during the scheduled time of procreation as dictated to you by Lonnie Childs. Any other display of these ‘short pants’ is unacceptable.”

Brother Brinkman’s findings do appear to have merit outside of academia. The news is full of incidents of public masturbation this summer. The increase in public masturbation this year goes further in proving that when temperatures rise, those with loose morals go near-nude. As a result, public places are transformed into a masturbator’s playground.

Lonnie, forgive them, for they know not what they do.

While degrading clothing like shorts do appear to lead to increased incidents of masturbation, they are not solely to blame.

“You can’t entirely lay the blame on the ignorant lesser gendereds, and some men, who wear what I like to call ‘Satan’s garment’,” explains Brother Brinkman. “Many of them are naïve and are unaware they are contributing to a worldwide epidemic. The ultimate fault lies in the sick and damaged mind of the self-rapist. A good, pious man like myself would be able to look at the disgusting display of flesh, framed by the short pants, and have the inner resolve to prevent my godly hand from touching my procreation vessel. A self-rapist sees that same disgusting display, and due to his mental deficiencies from the masturbation diseases, is unable to show restraint.”

Much like his mentor, Brother Lonnie Childs, Brother Brinkman feels that complete safety from self-rapists can only be achieved by the imprisonment of all suspected masturbators. “It’s really the only surefire way to keep everyone safe,” concludes Brother Brinkman. “Until the glorious day where all masturbators are rotting behind bars, we must remain vigilant and never fall victim to the temptations that Satan and the liberals put in front us of on a daily basis.”